Should I put up with this?

GeekyJoe

My wife and I are going through some serious issues with our marriage. We've been married 12 years now and have 3 lovely daughters (aged 8, 5 and 3). My wife has been very controlling from the outset and you could say I let her so my fault really. But it gets unbearable each year. The main issue is with the children. She treats them that they are only hers. So she books holidays with them (mostly to visit her family in the US) whether I like it or not and only tells me once she has booked the tickets. So her excuse is the tickets are booked and I can't cancel now. Her family are rich and sponsor all her holidays for her to come and visit with the children. Her family and I don't really see eye to eye and I can't let them sponsor my ticket (I don't like taking holidays I can't afford). A few days back she said she wants to now go for two holidays during their term break and one during Christmas which means I'll be all alone at Christmas time. I like spending Christmas as a family but she says its my choice not to come

Recently she booked my younger daughters birthday party and I came to know from a friend. I was quite hurt that she didn't even consult regarding the costs or even give me a chance for my input. He excuse basically is that I do everything anyway. Well I would like to do everything too if she could be bothered to work and I could stay at home with the kids.

Most of the time she loves telling me what a horrible person I've become and how I've made her life miserable and how she is putting up with me for the kids and she is waiting to get away. Since I can't have really have a proper discussion with her (our discussion mostly ends up her draining me out with name calling or verbal abuse) I keep to myself at which point she says I'm sulking and she's sick of me.

My question is really, do I have any rights? Can I put my foot down and say "No you cannot take the children during Christmas?". I'm not allowed to take my children all by myself, she thinks I'm not a fit enough parent

Please help, I'm almost going mad I can't live with her but can't live without my children. Life is nothing without them

raven83

GeekyJoe wrote: »

My wife and I are going through some serious issues with our marriage. We've been married 12 years now and have 3 lovely daughters (aged 8, 5 and 3). My wife has been very controlling from the outset and you could say I let her so my fault really. But it gets unbearable each year. The main issue is with the children. She treats them that they are only hers. So she books holidays with them (mostly to visit her family in the US) whether I like it or not and only tells me once she has booked the tickets. So her excuse is the tickets are booked and I can't cancel now. Her family are rich and sponsor all her holidays for her to come and visit with the children. Her family and I don't really see eye to eye and I can't let them sponsor my ticket (I don't like taking holidays I can't afford). A few days back she said she wants to now go for two holidays during their term break and one during Christmas which means I'll be all alone at Christmas time. I like spending Christmas as a family but she says its my choice not to come

Recently she booked my younger daughters birthday party and I came to know from a friend. I was quite hurt that she didn't even consult regarding the costs or even give me a chance for my input. He excuse basically is that I do everything anyway. Well I would like to do everything too if she could be bothered to work and I could stay at home with the kids.

Most of the time she loves telling me what a horrible person I've become and how I've made her life miserable and how she is putting up with me for the kids and she is waiting to get away. Since I can't have really have a proper discussion with her (our discussion mostly ends up her draining me out with name calling or verbal abuse) I keep to myself at which point she says I'm sulking and she's sick of me.

My question is really, do I have any rights? Can I put my foot down and say "No you cannot take the children during Christmas?". I'm not allowed to take my children all by myself, she thinks I'm not a fit enough parent

Please help, I'm almost going mad I can't live with her but can't live without my children. Life is nothing without them

no advice really but she sounds like a right old witch! i would see a solicitor and find out your rights.

oh and i would pack my bags and leave, its not a healthy situation to be in.

claire16c

She sounds incredibly controlling. And not like a partner more of a housemate who likes to order you about. I dont know how you can have lived with it for so long. You need to put your foot down.

If you are still together by Christmas though, can you not just go on the holiday if they are going to pay for it? Surely it would be worth it to be with your kids?

BitterAndTwisted

You're being used and abused in the most appalling way but only you know quite how much you are prepared to put up with and what precisely the emotional cost is going to be by trying to assert yourself. I'd gamble on the asserting, myself. Making important decisions about your joint-finances and your children without your input is absolutely disgraceful.

amyloofoo

You should absolutely not be putting up with this.

Her controlling behaviour is very worrying and it sounds as though you're no longer interested in having a relationship with her. If this is not the case then maybe Relate or another relationship counsellor would be a good idea. If you are planning to leave then before leaving, I'd speak to a solicitor as (is she from the US?) as it's possible she could try to leave the country with your children and deny access.

It must be a really anxious time for you, sorry I can't be more helpful or positive but I hope others are along who can help more with your specific situation. I hope this resolves itself for you, *hugs*

System

One thing ive learned in life. The more you put up with, the more your expected to put up with.

marisco_2

Your children will be picking up on the upset and angst between youself and your wife. They will also be viewing the way your relationship works as being the norm. What to expect from future relationships of their own and how to behave in a partnership.

It does sound as if you have a very unbalanced relationship. There is little or no compromise or any suggestion that you two communicate effectively or work together as a team. Would your wife agree to marriage counselling with an organisation such as Relate?

One thing that really confused me is when you said that you cant let your wifes family sponsor your air ticket. Are you saying that they would pay for you all to visit them as a family, but because you dont get on well you turn down their offer. Or that they leave you out and only want your wife and kids to visit?

If you feel you cant reach an agreement on any positive way forward with your wife, then I would suggest seeking legal advice. Tread very carefully though because there is always the risk that your wife could take the kids to the US and decide not to return to the UK.

ukjoel

You need to get over it.

What your saying is that her family are giving her money to pay for flights to see them.

You dont approve and your putting it down to lack of choice and discussion rather than the real issue which is you dont have the money to offer them an alternative.

So rather than have an arguement every time your wife wants to see her family she just books it.

Yes its a pain in the backside but I get the feeling this has been discusssed to death in the past with an arguement every time. If you wanted to go you could but your being a stubborn alfa male.

whitewing

I think you should allow her family to pay for air fares for all of you for once or twice a year (whatever's affordable/desirable), but I also think that nothing should be booked without asking you.

I also think that them buying plane tickets does not automatically mean that you go their for Xmas etc.

You do need to compromise a bit or presumably your children will end up living abroad without you.

Make-it-3

OP glad you recognised that a relationship works in a particular way because the individuals in it chose to act the way they do. (I got lambasted on here the other day when someone misinterpted my point about a similar problem as the woman letting her man treat her badly).

Generally, I think you are being a little churlish not accepting the offer of a plane ticket so you can all visit as a family to see the children's grandparents. However booking Christmas without you seems somewhat extreme. If your marriage is in trouble, it may well be your wife has done this to bring things to a head.

Setting aside this for a minute, the question you need to ask yourself is do you want to salvage your marriage and not just for the sake of seeing your kids?

BitterAndTwisted

GeekyJoe wrote: »

My wife has been very controlling from the outset and you could say I let her so my fault really.

She's been controlling from the outset, so it isn't just about her taking the children away without consulting her husband.

So she books holidays with them (mostly to visit her family in the US) whether I like it or not and only tells me once she has booked the tickets. So her excuse is the tickets are booked and I can't cancel now.

This isn't reasonable or the actions of a reasonable person no matter whichever way I try to look at it.

Her family are rich and sponsor all her holidays for her to come and visit with the children. Her family and I don't really see eye to eye and I can't let them sponsor my ticket (I don't like taking holidays I can't afford).

So, the OP is being ungracious because he's too proud to accept his in-law's largesse? It sounds to me like their is a power-game at play here and the OP is unwilling to play it. If it was so important for the GPs to see their grandchildren it would be fairly straightforward for them to come here and not drag all of the kids over on a transatlantic flight at the drop of a hat. It seems to me that all this paying-for-flights could be designed to undermine the OP.

A few days back she said she wants to now go for two holidays during their term break and one during Christmas which means I'll be all alone at Christmas time. I like spending Christmas as a family but she says its my choice not to come

Nice, a fait accomplit. What a b!tch

Recently she booked my younger daughters birthday party and I came to know from a friend. I was quite hurt that she didn't even consult regarding the costs or even give me a chance for my input.

That's totally outrageous. To hear bout one's own child's birthday party from someone outside the family. I can't see any possible way to put a positive spin on this one.

Her excuse basically is that I do everything anyway. Well I would like to do everything too if she could be bothered to work and I could stay at home with the kids.

I'd be tempted to suggest this. Or cut her housekeeping down to the bone so she has to discuss any financial commitments with you first before going ahead and spending your family's money.

Most of the time she loves telling me what a horrible person I've become and how I've made her life miserable and how she is putting up with me for the kids and she is waiting to get away.

In which case, tell her if that being married to you is making her so utterly miserable then she should consider going and putting you both out of your misery. And go without taking the children with her.

Since I can't have really have a proper discussion with her (our discussion mostly ends up her draining me out with name calling or verbal abuse) I keep to myself at which point she says I'm sulking and she's sick of me.

She's a bossy controller and she's a b!tch. Damned if you do and damned if you don't.

My question is really, do I have any rights? Can I put my foot down and say "No you cannot take the children during Christmas?". I'm not allowed to take my children all by myself, she thinks I'm not a fit enough parent.

What do you mean "not allowed"? She's not you bloody mother! You should be able to take your own children anywhere you damned-well like. Does she have a reason to accuse you of being an incompetent parent?

Please help, I'm almost going mad I can't live with her but can't live without my children. Life is nothing without them

She's emotionally blackmailing you and she's a self-centred bully. Please see a solicitor. If she's not currently earning her own living she might be hard-pressed to be able to provide the children with an equivalent home if you're out of the picture. You could consider getting shot of her poison and giving the children a decent home-life alone. That's precisely what I'd consider doing if she refuses to discuss anything with you.

Do the children have their own passports and where are they now?