Should I put up with this?

M00se_2

Feel for you Joe, split from my ex last year and now realise how controlling she was, I can relate to your story in many ways, its not a nice place to be.
Way I see it is no matter what you try she will not change because she doesnt realise she needs to change. Took me a year and a new good women to realise that it actually most of it wasnt my fault, I had just spent to long being told that!

FBaby

You are already writing as if you were separated. Sunshine reading your second post without the OP would probably think this is the situation. It certainly brings suspicion as to whether that might be what she intends to do soon. I would certainly look into projecting yourself and insure she doesn't move to the states with the kids. I don't think you stated her nationality.

VfM4meplse

OP - children aside, do you have a reason to be with your wife? It sounds as though she has been abusive from day 1. On the other hand, she knew that you weren't a big earner from day 1, which makes me wonder what attracted her to you in the first place? Because she sure as hell resents your existence now.

Mrs_Arcanum

Joe, it is abundantly clear your wife has no respect for you, your opinions or wishes. This lack of respect is why she treats you the way she does.

Unfortunately, it looks as thought you picked the wrong things to dig your heels in over. Such as not going to see her family because you don't get on/not always convenient or pride at the cost.

Over time the lack of respect has now deepened to such an extent it is very hard to get back from. Now you are setting your daughters a bad example by not asserting yourself more and fighting for things that gain respect.

Get some legal advice and assertiveness training.

theoldcynic

Mojisola wrote: »

Joe - from what you've written above, you're a victim of domestic abuse and need to get help to free yourself from her - https://www.mankind.org.uk/.

This ^^^

This is not healthy, for you or your children, your children will be affected by this.

This came from that site.. read this page http://www.mankind.org.uk/typesdomesticabuse.html and see if anymore apply to her behaviour. This is not acceptable.

Examples of Emotional and Psychological Abuse:

Intimidation
Withholding affection
Turning your children and friends against you
Being stopped from seeing friends or relatives
Constantly being insulted, including in front of others
Repeatedly being belittled
Keeping you awake/stopping you sleeping
Excessive contact, for example stalking
Using social media sites to intimidate you (such as Facebook and Twitter)

I see you have already been making enquiries here about custody of your children.

Her parents are British born as is she? I think without her own income it will be more complicated for your wife to simply up and leave to live in America with two dependents. Get advice on what time scales/legalities she will be looking at, and find out if any enquiries have been made by her already. Find out where the children's passports are....

Get statements from these secret accounts if you can so you have proof of her savings if it comes to divorce proceedings.

See a counsellor yourself if you can.

See a solicitor asap. It will be worth the expense.

RAS

GeekyJoe wrote: »

Sorry for the long post but I could go on and on I guess

Mate

You need to go on and on if it helps in any way.

Can I suggest that rather than trying to get your wife to engage in couples counselling, you see one to help you cope with her abuse of you?

Get anything you can to prove the existance of the secret account. That is an asset of the marriage, so willbe included in any split of the assets.

If and when you decide to jump, you need to serve divorce papers with a prohibited steps order amd you need any residency order to have a condition attached that allows the police to enforce it.

I suggest you do two other things.

1. Set up your own basic bank account that you keep completely separate. You need to stash enough to pay a deposit and a months rent if you decide to leave.

2. Start taking cash out of the household accounts to feed that acount - do not pay in by card or transfer.

3. Seriously consider booking a flight to the States and making your parents in law aware that you will be present. The kids need to know that dady wants to spend this time with them and tried to do so. Her parents need to know that you want to be with your kids as well. Budget for a cheap hotel or try checking the web-sites for home stays locally, in case she throws a wobbler.