Hoarding...not just on TV

idristhedragon

Sandra its lovely to have you. This thread has been so brilliant for me too- I dont live floor to ceiling in newspapers etc BUT I hoard definitely! Clothes, make up, shampoos etc. In fact I started on the bedroom earlier, and have managed to fill a sack (including two tops that have escaped about the last 5 culls- everytime I put them on I feel awkward so out they go. Also loads of stuff I aquired at recent clothes swaps that I *had* to have because it was there- not "greed" but it was available so I had to take it. )

However I then had to go to Post Office and to Irritating Friend and I was going to "pop into" Boots to reward myself with a lipgloss because Id been good and filled a sack. That would then be TWO lipglosses as they are buy one get one half price at the mo. I have probably 14 lipbalms and glosses (no exageration) between my car, my handbag(s) and my pockets. But I wanted THAT ONE. Even though its something that could go on the Xmas list for DH (he needs guidance). .................SO whoever on this thread conjured up a MASSIVE dog turd for my baby girl to stand in on the way to the car saved me from myself and my lipgloss hoarding tendencies!! Her legs, her boots, the car, my hands were all covered in SH1TE so once Id cleaned it all up (swearing at my cluttered house making it hard to immediately lay hands on wipes, clean clothes, shoes etc) I only had time to go to Post Office and literally drop left item with Annoying Friend. Result!! (well I could have done WITHOUT the sh1te but like I said, the diversion saved me!!) Thank you Oh God Of De Richarders

365days

'because it's still really hard for me to have empty space. The need to fill it is immense, and I am having counselling.' Byatt.

This line made me sit up. My empty space is inside me, and I fill it with food (was alcohol; now 3 years sober) Your line made ME realise that hanging onto stuff was a way of filling that emptiness inside. Which of course it doesn't.


SandraHiggs your post made me smile. i grew up in a house which was almost clinical. I suppose that has made me rebel in an opposite direction. Be interesting to hear what all our childhood homes were like.

blossomhill_2

sandrahiggins wrote: »

she seemed really pleased that there was actually 3 square feet of clear, clean house......"perhaps I've been a catalyst" I told myself "maybe I'll go round in a week or two and see another small clear chunk".........:( alas - the area is filled again - it's like the rest of the house just absorbs any free space and spills over. I know this sounds really morbid and selfish, but it isn't lost on me sometimes that when she sadly leaves us, I will just inherit a tip! It'd take me literally weeks to empty! (It's not a big house at all - just 6 modest rooms in total - kitchen/living room/3 beds/utility room)

Does anyone have any magic quotation or incentives or mantras or anything that I can perhaps print out and stick all over the house i.e. "space is peace" or "less is more"...?! lol

sandra - it is like quicksand at first or taking your hand out of a bucket of water - I am aware that if I read back on my posts in this thread I will them cycling between "hey I am starting to get somewhere" to "it's worse than ever" - I see space and enjoy it, then fill it up, I sort out the corners by turfing everything into the middle, then the middle by filling the corners again, it is the nature of it all until it actually leaves the house

I apologised to DD the other day, about the state of the house, which a couple of weeks ago I was able to ask friends to, and the look she gave me ... not derision, not sympathy ... sheer b***dy panic! I don't want to see it again so am newly incentivised. The best mantra for your mum would be "this upsets my DDs" but it has to come from her

I think the biggest risk for you at the mo is not what you inherit (because if you could bear it you could actually get houseclearance folk in) but what would happen if mum needed care in the home, or a paramedic visit - a paramedic friend says they see an amazing amount of impassable homes (link between getting sick and a toxic environment?) so maybe build on the help you have given her by discussing this? And let your OH know what your fears are

Byatt - I have one of those self-filling sofas!
lir - how did it go?
Jo-Jo - see you tomorrow? Pl bring photos of recent projects!
yellowdots - you've made me thinkabout my precious Pentax SLR- hmmm
idris - can't wait to hear about that friend!

katep23

Good to see so many people sharing their experiences - the comment about filling emptiness really resonates.

Had a busy day - was off work as planning to go see my folks in Somerset but there road is flooded by 2 foot of water so thought it would be better to stay put. We were planning a family meal at my sisters in Dorset tomorrow and they are not too badly affected so will go for that and my parents can get to my sisters so will still get to see them.

Used the day to run errands instead - a few things in (2 more matching bath sheets, I have one set of towels and bath mats out and one in the airing cupboard and change them weekly so hopefully now I can get rid of some of the non-matching stuff).

Went to the dump and finally got rid of saucepans (they had been sat in truck waiting to be dumped!).

Came home for lunch as OH was hungry and sat here all afternoon feeling niggly as I had a bag of clothes for charity shop which I didnt make it to before heading back. Come 4.00 I couldn't stand it and made a special trip to drop them off at cs. Well pleased as they had a jacket I donated out a few weeks ago marked up for £6.95 - felt happy seeing it waiting for a new home rather than any sense of loss. (A bit concerned about my tendancy to humanise inanimate objects though... anyone else do this?)

Wanted to see if they had a pine chest of drawers as the unit in the spare room a. the drawer is stuck and b. doesn't match the bed. Would definitely be a 1-in 1-out exchange and am determined to find what I want rather than what will do!

Nothing in the first cs so I went to another independent cs up the road and noticed they are desparate for electricals like freezers.

As no-one we know wants our upright, I am hoping OH will be happy to donate it - was a bit concerned as he made a comment today about "if we are going to keep it then we should really run it again now". Nope, that was not the plan!

Sorry for the long and rambling post!

GreyQueen

JKJ wrote: »

Can I join you please? I live in a tidy home, but that is just what people can see. Every cupboard, drawer, little tiny space is rammed with "stuff".

My wardrobe drives me mad. I hate most of what I own, I feel ugly wearing it and a lot of it is old, shabby or ill fitting. I can't afford to replace it, but want to scream when I look at the crush of ugly garments on the rails, in drawers and in cupboards. Thing is even if I did have money to buy something new I don't think I could make myself throw away the stuff I already have.

Hello and welcome JKJ.

I know exactly where you're coming from with the clothes as I've been poor my whole life and have incredible anxieties about getting rid of stuff, esp clothes, which is crazy as most of them came from c.s. in the first place so it's not as if I've invested a lot of money in them. But I still find decluttering scary as I fear that I may overdo it and then be in want and need of that particular garment and not be able to replace it.:o I'm working on it.

Re your purchase but non-use of craft materials, I wonder if this might be a form of perfectionism? You know, whilst the stuff is still in it's wrapper/ on the ball of yarn/ in it's nice neat package of cloth, it's perfect. What if your techniques aren't perfect and the finished result is imperfect? Anxiety.

There's a tradition in a lots of parts of the world among expert craftspeople that you MUST PUT A MISTAKE INTO WHAT YOU MAKE. Even if you've been making whatever for decades and are a master-crafter and there is no need to have any mistakes at all because you are so very skilled.

The deliberate mistake is meant to acknowledge that only God is perfect and nothing made by people is. I'm an atheist but even so, I find the concept intruiging.

Perhaps you can look at the craft materials and the shabby, tired-of-it-but-can't afford-to-replace-it-yet as two separate problems itching to come together to solve one another.

If you have craft materials, I assume that you have some skills, such as basic sewing and a yen to do stuff. I've been known to remodel stuff which has got a problem and is looking a bit sad.

A year or so ago, I had a mint-green cotton blouse with French cuffs (faux versions of a man's cufflink-type cuff). It had been washed and worn so many times the mint was faded and there was an ink-stain on the cuff. Such a mark is one of the very many reasons I favour a 3/4 length sleeve blouse for work.

So I removed the cuffs and used the cloth to make strips to edge the new sleeve length. I unpicked the proper collar and closed up the collar stand to make a mandarin/ grandad collar. The final touch was a 10p Dylon hand dye from the c.s. whose light brown turned the minty shirt a fashionable mushroom. Oh, and I used the excess fabric from the double-cuffs to make 2 pockets.

Hun, even I didn't recognise it as the same shirt. There's a lot of ways to tweak stuff which has got a bit saddo and make it over into something unique to you. In the last couple of days kittie has posted about taking an old woollen garment which had seem far better days, hot washing it so it felted, and making other things out of it.

If you're stuck for ideas, there's the library and the interweb and I wouldn't mind betting if you started a thread about How can I make over ????? loads of Old Stylers would step up with suggestions.

Hello and welcome sandrahiggins.

Trying to help a hoarder is a heartbreaking task, even if they recognise that they need help and are prepared to let you try. As the others have said already, they have to want to be helped or you get nowhere.

I've read in the local newspapers of a number of deaths of elderly people living alone in hoarded houses where the fire brigade couldn't save them because of the hoard. Sometimes, the officers couldn't even find the poor victim for hours after the fire was extinguished. It seems to be a growing problem, so much so that the fire brigade were speaking in the media about asking other agencies to help them identify hoarded homes so that they could try to do something before a fatal fire.

Is it possible that your mother might be ameniable to a fire safety inspection, if you were to offer to organise one? If she rents her home it may be that her LL is aware of a problem. If she is the homeowner, the onus would be on her, of course.

Sometimes you can reach people by appealing to their sense of self-preservation by pointing out that the home is a firetrap, a resort of vermin, mouldy etc etc, and this threatens their health. Sometimes this won't work, but an appeal to self respect such as what would X think or to family feelings such as pointing out that this is keeping her away from her loved ones and from life in general?

It's an awfully hard road to travel but you're very far from alone out there. If you went to this website, http://hoardingwoes.wordpress.com/

and used the links on the sidebar, you would find a lot of people in the same position and maybe there will be some comfort/ support/ insight there. HTH.

Byatt

365days, I use food as a filler too.

Kate, it's pretty bad here, county wise; when I texted my friend to cancel a meet up Wednesday, it wasn't until later when we talked on the phone that I found out the weather where she was, Dorset, had been sunny and fine! She couldn't understand why I cancelled!

I don't humanise inanimate objects anymore, I haven't even named my car, a first (not naming that is), and I'm not sure when it stopped. I was pretty extreme when younger however, so for me I'm glad I don't do it anymore.

As I've had 2 fairly unproductive days, (Jack Reacher days I call them), I have decided to cull my email inbox. I have over 8000 emails. I never read these emails or have a desire to go through them, but they are from a dear friend and I feel like I'm somehow betraying her. I have started to dleete however, and will leave a day or so in the folder before permanently deleting. Oh damn, what am I saying, I can't do it. Can I? I need to tidy to find other stuff. Ok, maybe a folder of their own...

sjprmc01

Checking in! This week I've made some progress, not a lot, but some! I decided to sort out the walk in toy cupboard in the living room got it half sorted (over the course of 2 days) but then had to chuck the remainder back in as it was taking over the living room so I will have take two on that next week! I HAVE chucked a whole wheely bina dn possibly a bit more out of toys and junk. Still doesn't look like I've done anything! No matter how much progress I make it never looks like I've done anything! Plus had a massive argument with OH as he wouldn't get rid of our CDs we have maybe 700. They are on a huge rack along one wall of the walk in cupboard which we could get rid of if we got rid of the CDs. We don't even own a CD player any more and I would have let him keep a select few (just in case) but most of the music either he or I are into is widely avail online. Anyway he has more of an issue with getting rid of stuff than me. H doesn't like mess but if cupboards are bursting at the seams and the ceiling is going to fall in because of an overcrowded loft (over exaggeration) he doesn't care, just as long as it can't be seen! Well he was all like 'I'll put them up the loft' and I tried to explain no they would serve no purpose up there and he was laughing (as a defence) and I got mad......however now the cupboard is not so walk in again I think that will have to be something delayed by a week too . I was hoping progress would be quicker than this I don't know why it isn't I can't force myself to work any quicker. I think all this is mentally draining for me and I need to realise its gonna take time. Much much more time than I initially thought coz its not the same as just having a messy house and tidying it up which I guess I did think it was for a long while. But it's not! If it was it would be easy and would be sorted by now!

whitewing

Ref the music - would it help to price them up on music magpie or similar? Small monetary values add up. He may be more willing if you can show him a tenner's worth of 'easy' money.

sjprmc01

Oh, no! We've already had that discussion and he's already googled for all the rubbish reviews of music magpie he could find to point out why it was pointless going with them (ones where they say they boxed up 40cds, MM said they recieved 1, no comeback etc)

If I'd thought about it and just not mentioned it I'd have boxed them up and sent them there and he would prob have been none the wiser but its wrong of me to do that, lol!

I shouldn't be having to force him though, as I say a lot are mine and I have no issue with parting them, he is emotionally attached though and it's just his emotional attachment to pointless objects coupled with my want for a use for most things but being like a magpie and wanting to own EVERYTHING that is not a very good mix!

H said he was going to look at ebaying some of them ie the collection of 'now' compilations. Which is progress I guess but now he can no longer walk into the cupboard again I know it won't happen this weekend!

We will get there one day!

katep23

sjprmc01 it's hard when OHs don't support what we are trying to do.

Ah, this weekend is jinxed - I was going to my sister's for a family meal (dad and niece's birthdays) then OH was coming down and we were going to a gig in Yeovil and had booked a B&B for the night.

This evening we found out the gig has been cancelled - not due to the weather but lack of interest. So now OH is staying home and I am off down to my sister's tomorrow morning - plan c (or is it d?)