Hoarding...not just on TV

Byatt

I'm feeling somewhat low, some valid reasons, but some not so valid I feel, but it's a problem I'm not sure how to deal with, regarding 2 friends. We all met up when at uni (not that long ago as I was a very mature student), they are both younger than me, one by 10 years and the other by 20. They are both as a result of their ages at different life periods from me, even at the time I found it wearing, but it's got to the point that I would have let the friendships go their natural course, that is, die, but they won't. I should be flattered I suppose that they want to be aorund me! Not sure I would want to. We meet up rarely, but one meet-up was recent and I reallt felt a complete and utter failure, as I can't compete with the new boyfriend, the new car, the great job, new baby etc...bottom line they give me lip service asking how I am and what I'm doing, but like I said my life experience is very different and they are truly not that interested. So on top of the recent "wonderful life" meet up we're going to have another one before Xmas, with both bringing their partners (when did that become a neccessity?) and I'm dreading it.

I feel bad because I shouldn't feel so mean about them. They are not what I call "true" friends, although I am sure they would hate me to say that.

I really feel it should have just faded away and I'm delighted they are happy, I just can't/don't want to hear about it. There's more to the story just don't want to say too much online.

So, I'm ruminating about my carp life and what went wrong, blah f'g, blah.

I know I am low, so that's making it worse. Anyway, sorry for the ramble, but 2 days of doing f' all, except eat carp and feel sorry for myself.

craigywv

BYATT ...send a polite text saying sorry cant make it. Dont dwell on it they not a big part of your life no point fretting over something that can easily be avoided xxx

katep23

Byatt, I agree with Craigywv - put your needs first rather than theirs as you are only responsible for you x

Byatt

Thanks, Craigy and Kate, good idea, just want to draw a line under it, feel like we're just hanging onto something that should have been left to die a natural death. I'm just too old for all this.:rotfl::eek:

Back to normal service, will start on stuff for the CS again, have been uuhmming and ahhing over some curtains, I'm not likely to use them and they've been sitting on the chair for a few days after being washed, whilst I try and decide what to do with them.

I have to admit to saving something... a small glass vase which was in someone's (a friend ) recycling bin. I was putting the bins out as she was away, and spotted the vase, the first thought was, they won't take it as it's not a bottle, and the second was, oh it's so pretty. It has a tiny, tiny chip which won't be seen with flowers in it. I don't usually keep things once damaged, so not sure why I thought I had to have this. It is pretty cut glass, not expensive cut glass but cut glass nonetheless.

katep23

OH and I went to see a big chest of drawers at the weekend which were being sold on eBay - it would be perfect at the bottom of the stairs (ahem, where the piano still resides as we cannot find anyone to take it) and would provide us with a lot of storage. It is old, solid and full of character, everything I look for in furniture...

And all I could hear was you lot in my head :eek:

A. More storage is not the solution

B. If you don't love it (when I came away I started to have a few doubts about the sizes of the drawers) then don't buy it just because it "will do" rather than "it's exactly what I want"

So we didn't bid.

And nor did anyone else and now I feel really sentimental about a piece of much-loved furniture (it was part of a house-clearance and we found out the history of the piece) which no-one wants and I think I should buy it so it isn't lonely.

How silly is that?

Byatt

Kate, could you view it again and see if you had the same feelings? Sometimes we build things up with an emotional connection when away from it and seeing it can put it back into perspective.

katep23

Thank you for the suggestions Byatt - I am sure if I didn't know the history I wouldn't feel emotional about it. Coupled with the fact that no-one else wants it... I'm a sucker for a lame duck! I would have been fine if someone else had bought it.

I think the fact we didn't feel strongly enough to bid does tell me what I need to know - I have an ethos that if I have to make a decision (new car, new job etc) I sleep on it and if I really want whatever it is, it will be the first thing I think of.

If I don't think about it for hours after I get up then I obviously don't feel strongly about it. Has always worked for me so far.

VJsmum

Kate - it isn't your responsibility. That is allowing other people to hoard by proxy. If you want it - fine. But otherwise, let it go. it isn't your fault.

blossomhill_2

Hi Byatt I was just wondering why you have been a bit quiet
I am an Aquarian and have no compunction (word) ditching friendships that have run their course, some are just relative to the there and then and not relevant to the here and now

But I would say a word in favour of your younger friends; the fact that they'd like their OHs to meet you says that they value you, they are not just bringing these folk along for no reason. It may be that they don't react a lot to your conversation at the time because it is not as exciting as "hey guess what I've got a new job" (that is actually loaded with an equal amount of stress) or maybe it's important to them to get your iew or approval of the new job, but that doesn't mean they don't reflect on it when they get home. I feel at times that I must come across boring to younger ex-colleagues but actually have found out that they envy me my lifestyle

I am someone with a small circle of friends (having ditched more than a few along the years and way too many treasured ones having died young) and I know that I expect more from a friendship than those with bigger circles perhaps do, so I try hard to think " ah that was nice" after seeing them rather than expecting another meet up soon

There are other benefits from a meet up, not just the conversation; the chance to go somewhere nice, somewhere different, to dress up, to see what the girls about town are wearing, to bother to do your hair, to get you away form the chores for an evening, to get you off the internet, so you need to add up whether the negative feelings you are left with are balanced out by the pluses. Only you know the full story so you'll be best able to decide but I thought I'd offer an alternate view

alec_eiffel

I agree with the others Byatt, if you are getting nothing from the friendship and you don't want to be around these people then just let it go. It sounds like you are their friend but they aren't yours. I think if a relationship has reached a point where you can't be excited or happy or whatever for the changes in someone's life then it's not a friendship at all, regardless of how old everyone is.

Kate, your post about the furniture reminded me of something I read recently. It was all about your "not shopping" words, when you're presented with something you could buy what are the danger words that mean you should walk away. The things that you're naturally drawn to but won't really enhance your house/life. For example mine would be "SALE" or "project". Obviously everyone loves a sale but things in a sale usually end up being a compromise for me, rather than the actual item I need/want. Same with a project, I like finding things to alter, make the most of and all that but it has to be something I already own. Buying something just to do it up would be a millstone round my neck.

Here's the link (the comments are interesting too) http://www.fieldstonehilldesign.com/2011/07/vision-dont-buy-words.html