Hoarding...not just on TV

hobbitfancier

I'm actually reading a blog on it now and I'm filled with emotion as so much of this is true but I'd never considered how different we were or that this was a problem until I started watching those hoarder programmes

"Children sometimes get blamed for the mess or told that the state of the house is their fault."

"Because this disorder is often fueled by anxiety, a Hoarder can express an extreme range of (usually negative) emotions when anyone tries to clean up, when things are touched or moved."

"In addition, unhealthy perfectionism is a large part of the hoarding disorder, and those standards are often hard to live up to."

I'm reading this in shock, the hoarders on those programmes are extreme, but reading this list I could have written it myself about my mum. Years of being told our house was like no other, how we were filthy and lazy and the mess was all our fault. How she could never have anyone visit because of our mess. How when she misplaced something we would have to endure hours of looking for it and her screaming at us and when she discretely found it wherever she had left it she wouldn't apologise or say she had found it.

Finding it difficult not to cry.

Patchwork_Quilt

katep23 wrote: »

:cool:

Things regularly go in the charity shop pile here only to be retrieved later here

How much was left in the drawer which "survived the cut"?

Hmm, worried this seems rude - I just meant that if there is lots in the bag and only 1 thing escaped that is a good thing

Hope I haven't offended - so hard to tell the tone a message is written in :cool:

No offence taken at all. There were a few things left in the drawer ... I think black trousers must be a weakness of mine.

On a happier note, I made some cushion covers from some red velvet I've had for four years in the cupboard of doom upstairs. This was exactly what I was hoarding the fabric for.

Patchwork_Quilt

Hobbitfancier sending you a hug. It isn't your fault. It's hardly hers. I hope you and your brother are able to leave home soon. It's easier to cope with from a distance.

aeb_2

Byatt wrote: »

Hiya Ellie,

Aeb, I'm surprised the CS turned down the G-plan as it's very "in" right now. Fortunately my local CS take everything I haul in. I saw my fishtank for sale for £30 but they had added a few accessories along with a couple of accessories I had given. Are you saying all your decluttered stuff is in one room now? Can I ask why? I'm sorry about the leak, that's awful, what a mess.

They came to look at the table. It has a small, 20mm x 5mm chip in a side edge, not top. But useful to me now.

Yes, I have taken bags and bags to the charity shop. What is left is mostly things that will sell on Eby but not for so much in the local charity shop. I suspect it would either get listed by them or sent to the tip. Specialist books (around 1800), models, maps (around 400) and 'tat'. I have shelves and bookcases so I found it easier to pack it all in one room than spread around the house. About 50% is in bookcases and 50% in various boxes. I list 100 items when it's free listing and normally sell around 20 - 25. This suits me as it's enough to pack and post at one time. Then I relist the remaining 75 or so, adjusting the price, and add 25 new listings. This way suits me, if something gets no interest (watchers) after 3 or 4 listings I give it to a lady who does carboots, add to Amazn or chuck it and hear no more about it.
Sometimes it is hard, emotionally because it's my late husbands collections and physically because I have too many small children 'helping' (the main reason for one room with a high handle on the door)
I shall try to ring the insurers tomorrow, or just get the ladder, gaffer tape and emulsion paint out. Bin is swapped for a bucket!

alec_eiffel

hobbitfancier wrote: »

I'm actually reading a blog on it now and I'm filled with emotion as so much of this is true but I'd never considered how different we were or that this was a problem until I started watching those hoarder programmes

"Children sometimes get blamed for the mess or told that the state of the house is their fault."

"Because this disorder is often fueled by anxiety, a Hoarder can express an extreme range of (usually negative) emotions when anyone tries to clean up, when things are touched or moved."

"In addition, unhealthy perfectionism is a large part of the hoarding disorder, and those standards are often hard to live up to."

I'm reading this in shock, the hoarders on those programmes are extreme, but reading this list I could have written it myself about my mum. Years of being told our house was like no other, how we were filthy and lazy and the mess was all our fault. How she could never have anyone visit because of our mess. How when she misplaced something we would have to endure hours of looking for it and her screaming at us and when she discretely found it wherever she had left it she wouldn't apologise or say she had found it.

Finding it difficult not to cry.

If you can cry and deal with the emotion then that's a good thing. I think, for me at least, surrounding myself with stuff was all about the mental pain I couldn't let out. Crying is a positive choice sometimes, it says we're at the end before change has to happen, we're discovering for the first time that we're not the only one etc. It's pain but it's also relief.

ellie99

GreyQueen wrote: »

I didn't read it like that at all, hun.

I guess the thing about your personal belongings is that it's only going to get harder to manage a major declutter as you get older. You'll probably be creaky and not able to lift and bend as you once did, your eyesight might not be too good anymore, maybe the car you once ran which would have made the dejunking so much easier is now gone.......

The very funny decluttering author Don Aslett makes all these points and suggests that you start at 55, to be on the safe side.
.

I think I need to re-read Don Aslett
I have 2 adult children who still live at home, and when I look at an item to put out (especially kitchenware) I think "oh, that would save them buying it when they move out". I'm keeping it for them!

FastCash

I definitely admire you for the things that you have done. I guess it is better to seek professional help to sort out whatever emotional problems/issues that could cause hoarding. You are right when you said that hoarding is not about being lazy, it is a problem that most people have to deal with

blossomhill_2

hobbitfancier wrote: »

Finding it difficult not to cry.

please don't avoid crying, it is a natural reaction to what you have found you missed out on. I've seen asthma described as "unshed tears" and I am beginning to think of hoarding as "unspoken loss"

Why is it acceptable for grown men to cry at a bad ref's decision and shout "we wuz robbed!" while children who were robbed of the childhood they had every right to, are expected to keep silent, avoid letting the neighbours know etc?

You (we?) should cry and then get ANGRY - my emotion at being left with a houseful of late father's clutter is primarily anger as he should have known I was someone who would have to painfully pore every every item, every decision, not someone who could just bring in a skip and walk away.

I am immensely proud of my late mum for the way she managed to bring us up, to keep the house nice and very welcoming in the face of what was an ever increasing heavy load of my dad's belongings, and ashamed that I was not so skilled with my own offspring's childhood

I have tackled some household jobs over the last few days that are just so easy when you know where the tools are and know you can do it quickly, which years ago would have been insurmountable and impossible to get a tradesman in to do

Thanks for the positive vibes FastCash - perhaps the best legacy we can leave from our experience is a tip or two that stops someone else in their tracks and helps their child not to have to deal with similar

One of the recent comments on here (possibly alec, sounds like her) was that everything is deteriorating even if we do nothing - has helped me throw out some older stuff - thanks

If any of you are near London there is a meet up this Sat - see OS Meet Up thread for details - simples!

short_bird

GreyQueen wrote: »

Just like to mention that it is very very common for elderly people to hide cash, sometimes an awful lot of cash, in the darndest of places, so you may end up missing out if you trash stuff too quickly.

Yep. Was at the boyfriend's parents last week (his dad's very ill) and cleared out several drawers just so we knew what was going on as Dad looks after the finances. Checked everything for cash, sorted out all the bank statements, bank books, bills; chucked a pile of emptied envelopes... shredded... hoovered. 3 drawers of cables to go through and that's only in that room:eek:

alec_eiffel

I agree with you blossomhill. When anyone inherits stuff it's not just the physical stuff, it's the expectation of what will happen to it, it's the memories and it's the knowledge of the relationship the person had with the stuff. I think it's totally normal to feel anger that this person didn't deal with these things and passed on the responsibility to someone else. And when that someone has their own stuff - physical and mental to deal with then why shouldn't they think it's unfair. It IS unfair and it leaves a legacy of negative feeling at a time when we need to be able to deal with the loss of the person, we shouldn't also have to deal with the weight they carried round with them too.