Wedding ring worry

nickj_2

"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending." - Maria Robinson

claire16c

Torry_Quine wrote: »

My father in law was a second husband as his wife's first husband died. Occassionally she would call him by her deceased husband's name and it really didn't bother him at all. He said it showed that they had had a good life together and hoped that she could give him as good a life.

My aunt and uncle have both be married before - one of them due to a death of a previous spouse, and have both done the same thing. My nan also sometimes calls my aunt by by uncles previous wifes name - it doesnt mean anything bad though like you say.

In terms of rings - yes I can see why you could feel a bit weird about it, but at the same time, it shows that his marriage was an important and serious part of his life, and that you becoming his wife now, will mean a lot to him too. And I presume if the worst were to happen and something happend to you, he would do the same.

walkerbev

Northern_Princess wrote: »

My first husband died 15 years ago to cancer, I still wear his wedding ring on my right hand along with my engagement ring and eternity ring. I remarried 4 years ago and I did ask before we married if he objected to me wearing B's rings (which he didn't), if he had there would have been a HUGE issue!!

Before my darling B died we made a promise to each other that I would remarry (personally I could never imagine it back them) as I was so young and he didn't want me being alone with a very young child forever.

My rings symbolise a wonderful caring man who I love dearly, who wanted me to go on and live my life without him.

My wedding ring and engagement ring on my left hand symbolise how much I love and adore my second husband.

Likewise my husband wears his wife's wedding ring on his right hand and I would never dream of asking him to erase her memory either (she too died).

We both still have numerous pictures and both our wedding photos up of those wonderful people we married first time around as well.

Your fiance's deceased wife is not a threat to you at all, she is simply someone he loved that was taken too soon

Thats a lovely post thank you i'm glad you have both found happiness again.

walkerbev

jackomdj wrote: »

Norther princess, what you said is lovely. Sounds like you have got the balance right in remembering the past alongside your future.

So glad you have thought about it OP and realised how important it is to him. Out of interest how old are you both?

I'm in my forties and he in his fifties.

fluffnutter

gunsandbanjos wrote: »

If it was his ex wife I could understand, but it is his deceased wife.

She's not going to rock back up and be a threat to your relationship, I actually think its very sweet of him.

Memories can be a threat.

I'm a little more ambivalent about this than many posters seem to be. How do you 'compete' with a memory? If she hadn't died, you'd never have been together. Are you being compared? How do you know you won't forever be second-best?

TBH, I think I'd prefer to marry someone divorced than someone widowed.

I don't think he should stop wearing the ring if it makes him happy, nor do I think the OP has a right to ask him to. However, I can't help sympathising with her general sentiment. I'd find it difficult too. A wedding ring is always more than a ring, it's a symbol of love and commitment. At some point it's time to move on, isn't it?

Person_one

fluffnutter wrote: »

Memories can be a threat.

I'm a little more ambivalent about this than many posters seem to be. How do you 'compete' with a memory? If she hadn't died, you'd never have been together. Are you being compared? How do you know you won't forever be second-best?

TBH, I think I'd prefer to marry someone divorced than someone widowed.

I don't think he should stop wearing the ring if it makes him happy, nor do I think the OP has a right to ask him to. However, I can't help sympathising with her general sentiment. I'd find it difficult too. A wedding ring is always more than a ring, it's a symbol of love and commitment. At some point it's time to move on, isn't it?

I expect moving it to his right hand was probably a huge 'moving on' moment in itself.

As you say, marrying a widower is very different to marrying a divorcee. Maybe its easier in Northern Princess's situation where both parties have been widowed and its something they share. I hope the OP can come to terms with it though, because it would be very unfair to ask him to act as though his first wife hadn't existed.

walkerbev

fluffnutter wrote: »

Memories can be a threat.

I'm a little more ambivalent about this than many posters seem to be. How do you 'compete' with a memory? If she hadn't died, you'd never have been together. Are you being compared? How do you know you won't forever be second-best?

TBH, I think I'd prefer to marry someone divorced than someone widowed.

I don't think he should stop wearing the ring if it makes him happy, nor do I think the OP has a right to ask him to. However, I can't help sympathising with her general sentiment. I'd find it difficult too. A wedding ring is always more than a ring, it's a symbol of love and commitment. At some point it's time to move on, isn't it?

Thanks for that I'm not jealous of his late wife and i greatly admire the way he talks lovingly about her, after all we don't fall out of love with someone when they die, they are forever in our hearts and that's how it should be. I did think he might remove it and put it somewhere safe when we get married but i wouldn't ask him to, i
had hoped he would want to I just don't want it to be an issue between us. The general consensus seems to be he should still wear it and i feel guilty now for thinking otherwise.

fluffnutter

walkerbev wrote: »

Thanks for that I'm not jealous of his late wife and i greatly admire the way he talks lovingly about her, after all we don't fall out of love with someone when they die, they are forever in our hearts and that's how it should be. I did think he might remove it and put it somewhere safe when we get married but i wouldn't ask him to, i
had hoped he would want to I just don't want it to be an issue between us. The general consensus seems to be he should still wear it and i feel guilty now for thinking otherwise.

Don't feel guilty, lovey. They're your feelings and they're perfectly valid. I think people are just trying to reassure you that you don't need to feel threatened. Who knows, you might find he takes it off one day in the future, no fuss, no drama, just decides he doesn't need to wear it any more.

I certainly feel more 'committed' to my husband now after four years of marriage than I did right at the start. Each year your bond will get stronger and stronger - that's what you should be thinking about, not his late wife

ognum

walkerbev wrote: »

Thanks for that I'm not jealous of his late wife and i greatly admire the way he talks lovingly about her, after all we don't fall out of love with someone when they die, they are forever in our hearts and that's how it should be. I did think he might remove it and put it somewhere safe when we get married but i wouldn't ask him to, i
had hoped he would want to I just don't want it to be an issue between us. The general consensus seems to be he should still wear it and i feel guilty now for thinking otherwise.

Do not feel guilty, you asked from your heart and you have received advice and taken it.

Well done for that, it take an open minded person to post a question and go with the flow of the answers.

I think you will find that your acceptance goes a long way and you will have a long and happy marriage.

congratulations in advance!

Mr_Toad

walkerbev wrote: »

Thanks for that I'm not jealous of his late wife and i greatly admire the way he talks lovingly about her, after all we don't fall out of love with someone when they die, they are forever in our hearts and that's how it should be. I did think he might remove it and put it somewhere safe when we get married but i wouldn't ask him to, i
had hoped he would want to I just don't want it to be an issue between us. The general consensus seems to be he should still wear it and i feel guilty now for thinking otherwise.

You don't appear to have spoken to him about this and I think that was the correct decision on your part.

He may well continue to wear the ring and why not. On the other hand he may have already considered this and be planning to remove it on or shortly after your wedding day.

Personally I think either outcome is acceptable.