Living with Dementia?

Pollycat

Hmmm.

Where has dandelionclock30's post gone?

I've quoted extracts from it but can't see the full post now.

misscheery

Thank you for that Polly.

My mom did get a leaflet abt home help, they charge £12 per hour in the day!! You say your Dad had Dementia? Has he passed away?

My step-dad has been aggresive a few times, probally frustration.... He thinks at the moment someone is in the house taking his money(yet he has no interest in bank statements, what my mom spends etc)
I am hoping he does not become violent, he did "go for" my mom the other day but backed off when she shouted at him! He was violent to her many years ago.

I will take a look at that link thanks.

gravitytolls

misscheery wrote: »

Please don't judge me, he is not the nicest of ppl, if it was me who was ill he would have absolutely no compassion for me. You have no idea what he was like and I don't need to tell you.My concern is my mom , I cannot care for him as I don't even visit their house as HE doesn't want visitors! And this was before dementia!!

Try not to take offence, folk don't mean to be unkind, it's just that on a forum, the written word isn't accompanied without facial expressions, and no one knows your history.

Perhaps your best option is their GP, perhaps there's an option for forcible care simkilar to sectioning, if he is physically abusive to your mother, or she is in danger of breakdown, leaving him without care altogether.

misscheery

gravitytolls wrote: »

Try not to take offence, folk don't mean to be unkind, it's just that on a forum, the written word isn't accompanied without facial expressions, and no one knows your history.

Perhaps your best option is their GP, perhaps there's an option for forcible care simkilar to sectioning, if he is physically abusive to your mother, or she is in danger of breakdown, leaving him without care altogether.

Thank you. What seems to be the worst aspect of it, is he talks non stop all day and abt really rubbish, how to wear his gloves,(he goes outside to smoke which is a lengthy progress!) how to wash himself can she write it down?? If she gives him one of the pils early evening, he then gets drowsy she can watch some telly(he can talk all through telly) and he will sleep alnight. Without the pills he now stays awake all night, going to the loo, talking! It must be torture when you are shattered and just want to sleep! The thing with these pills, too many and he will get used to them and they won't work! At present she can get out in the day, she goes sauna one morning with my Aunt, meets me one morning in town(sometimes not because of appointments) she goes Sainsburys etc.... when this stops and he can't be left alone.......

She is back off to GP on monday, abt his not keeping food down, the driver from care centre reckoned he was doing it for attention, being sick... she doesn't think so because it goes on for hours!

PasturesNew

In black and white, the best route forward (house value depending) might be to look at selling the house, get your dad into a care home and your mum can find somewhere in the same road. Then she can visit him as much as she likes, even have him round hers when he's reasonable - but the whole care side of things will be dealt with.

If half the money's his and half hers, he'd have to pay for the care home. Would she have enough left over for a 1-bed place close by?

If he has a good private pension and is getting attendance allowance, with his half the house money invested you might find it's cheaper to pay for him in a care home, cared for 24/7 etc than the cost of running a house, not having an income from the house money AND paying for random/different 'carers' dashing in 2-3x a day for various tasks.... none of which would give your mum a break.

Harsh ... but at least it changes the current issues - that you mum wants a life and to feel able to plan her own things and not feel alone in dealing with his issues and the responsibilities of that.

misscheery

I don't think he has a good private penison, he took voluntary redundancy in the early 80s( and after this did nothing! not even read a book.... could have contributed to the dementia). The house is a leasehold, I'm not good on these things, but some in her rd are going for abt £150.00 so maybe for £75.000. she does have savings, had them for years and years.... (not sure how much, would not have thought more than £15.000)

Her GP didn't not even want to give him these pills, it was a psychiatric nurse who presribed them!

I will have another chat with her.... on the other hand, she has been with him for abt 45 years! And who knows maybe will not adjust/might miss him if he went away! That's another worry though for another day!

Mojisola

It doesn't matter whose name the house is in - if the spouse is still living there, the value will be disregarded when it comes to assessing whether he needs to pay for residential care.

misscheery

The house is in both their names, sorry if i was not clear on that.

SailorSam

Did you listen to Moneybox on R4 at lunch time, there was a guy on there he was on Bbc Breakfast this morning, his Mother was suffering from Alzhimer and had been given a loan, i think it was £18k from the bank and had no means to pay it back. He'd been chasing the bank 'cos she was obviously not aware of what she was doing but they'd made few if any checks. On Moneybox they were talking about the importance of sorting finances out before it's to late for the people to do things they regret. It was suggested that the bank was more keen to get the commission and interest on the loan than to worry about whether an old woman in rented accommodation and no income could pay it.

Pollycat

misscheery wrote: »

Thank you for that Polly.

My mom did get a leaflet abt home help, they charge £12 per hour in the day!! You say your Dad had Dementia? Has he passed away?

My step-dad has been aggresive a few times, probally frustration.... He thinks at the moment someone is in the house taking his money(yet he has no interest in bank statements, what my mom spends etc)
I am hoping he does not become violent, he did "go for" my mom the other day but backed off when she shouted at him! He was violent to her many years ago.

I will take a look at that link thanks.

I think you really need to check with your local social services if your Dad is eligible for free care at home.
My Dad was 82 and, yes, he passed away last year, his heart just gave out.

misscheery wrote: »

I will have another chat with her.... on the other hand, she has been with him for abt 45 years! And who knows maybe will not adjust/might miss him if he went away! That's another worry though for another day!

I would try to have a frank discussion with your Mum about what she really feels about the situation.
Is she saying 'I can't cope with him' but is really doing (sort-of) OK?
My Mum was like that with my Dad in the early stages.
It's important to catch things before they get too much for her otherwise her health will suffer.

Is she worried about how she would cope financially if your Dad went into a care home?
If your Mum is willing to share the information, could you go through their income (joint and separate) to see what options they have financially.

Maybe you could check that they are both getting all the benefits they are entitled to.

What about going to see CAB, they have some good advisors.

Regards