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Living with Dementia?

24

Comments

  • Torry_Quine
    Torry_Quine Posts: 18,883 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Photogenic Name Dropper
    misscheery wrote: »
    Thank you, as far as I know they are receiving all the benefits( I was unsure where to post this). I think she get's DLA? I have read on your link previously abt an assessment. It was just not knowing what happens if you can't cope, surely it must happen a lot to ppl/carers................

    Torrey when you say get an assessment for my mom as a carer, that means to see if she is fit/able to be one?


    Edit. My mom has been in touch with a few ppl, The Alzheimer's Society etc... Social Services were the last to get in touch only a few weeks ago, they have not been of much help so far!


    Yes, all carer's are entitled to be assessed to see that their needs are being met with regards to their caring and their own health.
    Lost my soulmate so life is empty.

    I can bear pain myself, he said softly, but I couldna bear yours. That would take more strength than I have -
    Diana Gabaldon, Outlander
  • Samsaragirl
    Samsaragirl Posts: 145 Forumite
    edited 7 June 2012 at 11:49PM
    My mom has been in touch with a few ppl, The Alzheimer's Society etc... Social Services were the last to get in touch only a few weeks ago, they have not been of much help so far![/QUOTE]

    Social Services are the worst ever 'agency' I have dealt with in all my life, since my Dad's stroke 6 years ago they are inconsistent, inept, and worthless.

    The police, for other reasons unrelated, coming a close second.

    Thank goodness I am able to be here to help those I love.

    My Dad had overnight dementia as well as the massive disabilities of the stroke btw
  • I have not read all the above posts as some I feel judged you harshly. I work in a care home especially for people with dementia and it is a horrible thing to happen to anyone, even worse the families as they see and remember the whole lot. Unless your mum has power of attourney or your stepdad is deemed to be in danger of himself or others he cannot be forced to go into a home or to even have carers. How developed is his dementia? From some of your posts it sounds like he still has some idea of what is going on around him. My best advice would be to call social services or a dementia charity or even your step dads doctor to see what there opinions are, if your mum is not fit to care for him then she shouldnt be doing so especially on her own. I think although you say he is not a nice person compassion is still needed here and a little patience ( I know its hard believe me). Repeating himself is something that happens, rather then getting frustrated its best to just answer him again and be calm and patient with him, getting angry with him will only make him aggitated and possibly worse.

    Good Luck and dont stop trying to get your mum the help she clearly needs and the care your stepdad deserves.
  • heartbreak_star
    heartbreak_star Posts: 8,286 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Combo Breaker Rampant Recycler
    Try Age Concern too, they were a godsend to me and my mum regarding my father (who developed vascular dementia after a stroke).

    Best of luck, it's an awful situation. Lots of hugs!

    HBS x
    "I believe in ordinary acts of bravery, in the courage that drives one person to stand up for another."

    "It's easy to know what you're against, quite another to know what you're for."

    #Bremainer
  • misscheery
    misscheery Posts: 16 Forumite
    I have not read all the above posts as some I feel judged you harshly. I work in a care home especially for people with dementia and it is a horrible thing to happen to anyone, even worse the families as they see and remember the whole lot. Unless your mum has power of attourney or your stepdad is deemed to be in danger of himself or others he cannot be forced to go into a home or to even have carers. How developed is his dementia? From some of your posts it sounds like he still has some idea of what is going on around him. My best advice would be to call social services or a dementia charity or even your step dads doctor to see what there opinions are, if your mum is not fit to care for him then she shouldnt be doing so especially on her own. I think although you say he is not a nice person compassion is still needed here and a little patience ( I know its hard believe me). Repeating himself is something that happens, rather then getting frustrated its best to just answer him again and be calm and patient with him, getting angry with him will only make him aggitated and possibly worse.

    Good Luck and dont stop trying to get your mum the help she clearly needs and the care your stepdad deserves.


    Thank you. My mom does not have Power of Attorney. Something to think abt. Believe me there is compassion, he is well looked after, he suffers from Arthrithis, has just had a cancer scare, got the all clear cancer of the Oesophagus, yet he can't hold down a meal, vomits for hours.... she has been back and forth to the doctors.......she has so many diffferent hosptial appointments, plus he is a smoker so has smoker related things wrong with him! Twice the dcotors gave her "pills" anti-depressents they made her ill. We are aware that it can get worse she has been to meetings etc... she is well informed, but sometimes that is not enough.

    Heartbreak, i think Age concern is involved! Sometimes i can't keep track! Thanks for everyone's replies.

    I did live with my ex mother-law for a year who had it and know 1st hand how hard it is.
  • Torry_Quine
    Torry_Quine Posts: 18,883 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Photogenic Name Dropper
    Unless your mum has power of attourney or your stepdad is deemed to be in danger of himself or others he cannot be forced to go into a home or to even have carers. How developed is his dementia?

    Good Luck and dont stop trying to get your mum the help she clearly needs and the care your stepdad deserves.
    misscheery wrote: »
    Thank you. My mom does not have Power of Attorney. Something to think abt. Believe me there is compassion, he is well looked after, he suffers from Arthrithis, has just had a cancer scare, got the all clear cancer of the Oesophagus, yet he can't hold down a meal, vomits for hours.... she has been back and forth to the doctors.......she has so many diffferent hosptial appointments, plus he is a smoker so has smoker related things wrong with him! Twice the dcotors gave her "pills" anti-depressents they made her ill. We are aware that it can get worse she has been to meetings etc... she is well informed, but sometimes that is not enough.

    Heartbreak, i think Age concern is involved! Sometimes i can't keep track! Thanks for everyone's replies.

    I did live with my ex mother-law for a year who had it and know 1st hand how hard it is.

    Power of attorney although a good idea has no bearing on making him go into a care home. If he is able to sign a power of attorney and understand it then he has the capacity to make decisions about care himself.
    Lost my soulmate so life is empty.

    I can bear pain myself, he said softly, but I couldna bear yours. That would take more strength than I have -
    Diana Gabaldon, Outlander
  • Mojisola
    Mojisola Posts: 35,571 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Name Dropper
    misscheery wrote: »
    My step-dad has dementia, a couple of years now, my mom is not coping so well.

    Can he be made to go into care if my mom can't care for him? He would refuse to go.

    It's very difficult when you get someone behaving like this. They only have the luxury of refusing to have carers or go into respite because they have someone acting like a servant for them.

    How would he cope if your Mum went away for a couple of weeks?
  • Pollycat
    Pollycat Posts: 35,891 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Name Dropper Savvy Shopper!
    OP, I really feel for you and your Mum.

    My Dad had dementia, diagnosed last year, it progressed very rapidly.
    Luckily, he was a lovely man and we loved him dearly so maybe we found it easier to cope with his illness.
    Possibly it helped that he didn't display any of the agression that I understand often comes with this awful illness.
    misscheery wrote: »
    Can he be made to go into care if my mom can't care for him? He would refuse to go....

    Google 'Deprivation of Liberty'.

    It's not as simple as 'making him go into a care home, he would need to be assessed.
    misscheery wrote: »
    He has just started going to a day centre once a week, but only from 10 -2! He would not agree to go into respite for a week or so,Any advice please?
    I think you need to push Social Services for more help.
    My Dad went to a Day Centre twice a week, had a carer in every day to get him up, showered & dressed and a sitter for a few hours each week to allow Mum some respite.
    This was all funded by SS but I think it will depend on age and financial situation.

    You say they have a house and savings.
    Depending on what is in his name and the amount, if he does go into a care home, he will very likely be self-funding.

    Visit this website for various useful guides:
    http://www.counselandcare.org.uk/finding-and-paying-for-a-care-home
    I'd recommend guide 16 (if you are in England).

    There's also some on what you can expect if you own property (my parents didn't so I didn't read up on that).

    Good luck.
  • Pollycat
    Pollycat Posts: 35,891 Forumite
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    Social services in reality provide very little help and home care has to be paid for if the person has over a certain amount in savings. Often to get help you have to threaten to walk away or dump the person.
    That's a sweeping statement, we felt our local Social services were pretty helpful.

    My Dad had savings over the care home self funding limit (£23,250) but whilst he was at home he didn't have to pay for the care I mentioned in my previous post.
    I think it's more to do with age and weekly income, but I don't have the paperwork anymore so I can't check for definite.

    If he ends up getting really bad and she cant cope then he can be made to go into a home if hes a danger to himself or others.

    AFAIK, a person is assumed to be capable until proved otherwise.
    There are safeguards to ensure a person is not deprived of their liberty without good reason i.e. when it is in their best interests (not the carer's).
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