I need more affection! Help?!

euronorris

lostinrates wrote: »

Euro, i would say....i am in the middle of this, so i cannot right now, but if you help me my hands will be freer sooner......


I too jump easily, and scream a lot. I find people stop that anoying creeping up buisness if when you spin round you clock them with something as a reflex. Keep a wooden spoon on you (as opposed to something sharp or metal)

I have said that. Many, many times. And he would either then sulk and say something like 'You act as though it's so awful for me to want to touch you. Other women would love have this much affection from their man.' (and I would always respond that I love it too, but not when I am in the middle of doing something!) or he would just sulk. There was never any attempt to help me with the stuff.

Though, lately, the housework issue, together with others came to a head and I finally got through to him the effect that his attitude of 'my way or the high way' had, was that it has pushed me towards 'the high way'. We've had a long, long, long talk since then, and still do and things have been improving.

He's helping with the housework & cooking more. We've been going out for walks and to the cinema (I was so fed up of being stuck indoors because it was what he preferred), and I'm making the effort to just reach out and touch him more often. Admittedly, I wasn't doing that last part much, but that is because I felt like I had so much to do, all alone, and was being touched by him (in some way), every 2-3 minutes. There was no 'me time' before, and I was so stressed out! I just wanted an hour or so to myself when I got in from work! You know, an hour where I didn't have to answer work questions, or deal with the finances, or cook, or clean, or tidy, or being the doting gf. Just an hour to be me!

Anyway, things are much better now, I'm pleased to say

euronorris

londonsurrey wrote: »

Omigosh. I scream easily too. I've been told that I'm weird and made to feel like I'm being self indulgent, but it really isn't an affectation. I honestly would prefer not to be startled and screaming.

If my OH and I get to the station at our home town around the same time, and he sees me, he'll sneak up behind me and grab my backpack. I, of course, scream and turn around in a blind panic ready to kick and punch and then he says (laughin) 'Why did you scream? You knew it would be me! Who else would it be?'!!!!! :mad::mad: Errr, I dunno dear, someone trying to steal my backpack maybe, or attack me!

He thinks it's hilarious. My heart rate disagrees! :rotfl:

euronorris

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

I'm possibly reading completely different things into this relationship and admit I could be wrong, wrong, wrong.

His physical demonstrativeness has changed since the beginning of the relationship.

He works away during the week.

When he is there, and the OP has said how she values the touches, the hugs, the cuddles he writes it off out of hand as her insecurity.

None of those is adding up to anything good to me.

I was wondering if the decline in affection was due to such a busy work schedule. Is that a new thing? If so, he could simply be knackered!

OP - have you asked him why he isn't as affectionate as he used to be? If so, how did he respond?

londonsurrey

euronorris wrote: »

If my OH and I get to the station at our home town around the same time, and he sees me, he'll sneak up behind me and grab my backpack. I, of course, scream and turn around in a blind panic ready to kick and punch and then he says (laughin) 'Why did you scream? You knew it would be me! Who else would it be?'!!!!! :mad::mad: Errr, I dunno dear, someone trying to steal my backpack maybe, or attack me!

He thinks it's hilarious. My heart rate disagrees! :rotfl:

My late husband was very into martial arts, and taught me to jab in the solar plexus, and do a sweeping kick. I was six inches shorter than him, but practiced on him for nearly two decades, so it's now very much a reflex.

Paramour (I feel ridiculous calling him my boyfriend) is about the same height, and very much a joker. He's trying hard to control his honed and practiced reflexes to make me (and anyone he knows, really) jump, while I am trying very hard to tamp down on my instant reaction to jab and kick!

DebtFreein5Months

My 2 pence:

Someone wise used to say that anyone can form words and say them, but their words don't define them, their actions do.

When we are in company, My BF will say things like "would you like me to buy you <whatever> or <whatever>?" I say no thanks and afterwards ask him why he asked that cos he knows and I know he can't afford it and he will say 'Oh I was just showing off'.

Someone posted earlier that if it gets to you to the point that you ask several people their advice (their advice is excellent) then you're not happy. But it's very easy for people to make a judgement of "you should leave him" or "I would have walked out yesterday" when they only see a summary of your relationship in about 500 words - my point is that it should be you and you alone who makes any decision - yes the advice is helpful but the decision is yours.

I think about what if I left my BF and part of me is excited and part of me is terrified...

nattyt

So it all came to a head last night. I'm not even sure how really but it did. And I told him everything. Properly told him without it being in an argument or after a few drinks. I don't feel good about this but I made him cry. another part of me is glad that hes showing some emotion. I told him I'd rather be on my own than with him like this. He said he had no idea I felt so low about it. He has no excuse but wants to make it better. We agreed that I will always be the more affectionate one and that is fine I get that. After all a relationship is all about compromise. I told him its not insecure for me to want to be hugged and touched and he explained that he doesn't think I an insecure of that but more other stuff. He to me a few home truths too. I know he loves me but have told him he has to show it and that if nothing changes in a month then we are done.
Bitterandtwisted- his work load has increased, he drives a lot then does a physical job. Yes he works away but I kind of think you ate implying he maybe cheating. As I have said before I have known him for 20 years and he may be many things but a cheat isn't one of them. I may sound naive but there are many other reasons that I know he isn't.
So let's now see what happens. Thanks everyone for your advice. X

System

Glad you managed to talk to him and he listened.

Sometimes i have to stand in front of my husband and say 'i want a cuddle'. He's not a mind reader and unfortunately when i need the most hugs he is usually busy so i tend to only ask when i am desperate.

I usually get an arm round the shoulder and a kiss on the forehead which is better than nothing.

Its all about meeting eachothers needs.

BugglyB

londonsurrey wrote: »

Omigosh. I scream easily too. I've been told that I'm weird and made to feel like I'm being self indulgent, but it really isn't an affectation. I honestly would prefer not to be startled and screaming.

Argh I get this too it drives me nuts!

I get accused of being hysterical but I actually can't help it, when I get a shock a high pitched noise comes out of my mouth. Its totally involuntary like a sneeze or a hiccup. I'm generally very calm and non hysterical.

I have banned OH from jumping out and startling me on purpose. My ex thought it was really so funny. I have said it really upsets me (it does) and I want to know if someone jumps out at me I need to defend myself. It might sound a bit killjoy but I really really hate it.

Sorry this is a bit off topic op!