I need more affection! Help?!

nattyt

Sorry not money saving but I know you are all so good at advice!
I have been seeing my boyfriend for 15 months and somewhere along the way he has stopped showing me affection. On the whole our relationship is amazing- we get on really well have a laugh etc. when he's drunk I am the most beautiful woman in the world, he kisses me hugs me but sober he's completely different. I'm not asking for pda's but at home it would be nice to have a hug or kiss or cuddle on the sofa but it's like he's not interested. It's always me instigating it. He tells me he lovesme all the time but it's the old actions speak louder than words and his actions say the opposite at the moment.
I have told him how I feel and he just says I'm insecure. Yes perhaps I am but it's him that makes me feel like it!
I am at the point where I feel like ending the relationship rather than feel like this. I love him but loving someone isn't enough. There has to be all the other things too.
So what would you do? I've talked and talked until I am blue in the face. Do I just accept that maybe he's just not that into me and move on?

londonsurrey

He might or might not be that into you.
Even if he was besotted with you, the bottom line is that you're not happy with him. You'll probably live for another 60-80 years. That's a long time to live unhappily with the wrong man.

skintchick

My husband is like this only he doesn't tell me he loves me either. It doesn't mean they don't care but some men are rubbish at showing affection.

It is hard to live with though.

Breast_Cancer_Survivor

Some men have trouble expressing their feelings & don't want to be seen as soppy, the fact he does whilst drunk makes me think it's this that is the problem.

My mum & dad have been married for 40 years, he doesn't do those things & never will it's just how he is. My mum still get's upset about it tbh.

You have to either accept him for who is is or move on.

Breast_Cancer_Survivor

skintchick wrote: »

My husband is like this only he doesn't tell me he loves me either. It doesn't mean they don't care but some men are rubbish at showing affection.

It is hard to live with though.

It's not just men tbh. I have asperger's so i'm not very touchy feely & my oh get's upset sometimes as I don't tell him I love him. I'm just not the kind of soppy person unfortunately.

nattyt

Skint chick it is hard to live with and Londonsurrey I agree. I am 34 I wasted my 20's with the wrong man sure as hell not wasting my 30's! Our friends think we are the perfect couple, EVERYBODY thinks we are the perfect couple- they obviously see something I don't which makes me think do I expect too much? It's come to a head because last night he we were in bed and he was on his back and I was on my front with my arm around him and I may as well have been hugging my pillow for the response I got! It was the straw that broke the camels back! Just makes me feel crap about myself.

nattyt

Bcs yes drink has definitely got a lot to answer for. He definitely drinks too much he even admits he drinks too much. X

londonsurrey

nattyt wrote: »

Skint chick it is hard to live with and Londonsurrey I agree. I am 34 I wasted my 20's with the wrong man sure as hell not wasting my 30's! Our friends think we are the perfect couple, EVERYBODY thinks we are the perfect couple- they obviously see something I don't which makes me think do I expect too much? It's come to a head because last night he we were in bed and he was on his back and I was on my front with my arm around him and I may as well have been hugging my pillow for the response I got! It was the straw that broke the camels back! Just makes me feel crap about myself.

Forget what your friends say. One of my friends is divorced - she was married to this wonderful man, everyone thought they were the perfect couple with everything.

After ten years, he decided he was gay. She was naturally gutted. They're still friends, and she jokes about being envious about all the rich handsome men he dates. But it's left her very much a nervous wreck. What did all those friends know, eh?


Like BreastCancerSurvivor, I've got Asperger's Syndrome. My boyfriend (I'm 41 and widowed) touched me through 4 layers of thick biking gear, and I felt it, and he couldn't get over how I could actually feel it.

He on the other hand, is very touchy feely, and it actually makes me jump a lot of the time. I don't want to make him unhappy, but neither do I want to be essentially gently tortured all the time. We might work it out, but we might not.

So, you might just be very different people, or you might be picking up on the fact that he doesn't value you. You know him best, and you know if he does little things for you, or if he's just doing the minimum when he's pulled up on it.

But yes, we have to aware when we're settling, or staying with someone just because we feel we ought to, which is silly, because there's a whole world out there, and friends will just look at you dumbfounded if you say 10 years from now that you stayed with him because of THEM! Lol.

themull1

My husband was exactly the same, then he left me for a younger model. My advice is if its bugging you, split up and find someone who will show you affection. Life's too short to be unhappy.

podperson

It sounds to me like it's not that he's not into you, but as others have said that he has trouble expressing affection - the fact that he can do it when he's drunk and his inhibitions are lowered. Some people are unfortunately just like this but if it is at the point that you're thinking about leaving the relationship then I would try sitting down and actually spelling that out to him - it sounds like he doesn't see it as that big a deal at the moment and it might give him a kick to see the extent to which it's bothering you.

System

at 15 months your relationship should still be in its honeymoon phase.

Personally i need hugs and cuddles as much as i need air to breathe..... well, almost.