I need more affection! Help?!

nattyt

Meritaten he does tell me he loves me sober or merry. It's the lack of affection that is getting to me. The thought of being without him makes me want to cry yet knowing that I wasted years of my life before makes me harder to the situation and I do know I could walk away. Someone else said does it lead to sex when he's drunk and telling me I'm the most beautiful woman etc well it doesn't really. I do agree that we should be in the honeymoon period but in a way it's different for us as we have known each other for nearly 20 years. Although I guess as friends so maybe it doesn't make a difference? I do give so much more than him and I think he's taking me for granted. Also he works away alot in the week so our relationship has to be fitted into a weekend.
I know people are different but he never used to be so bad. I 'vie always been more so than him and I accepted that but now it's almost non existent.

BitterAndTwisted

If you think that he's taking you for granted then he is. I don't know about you but it sounds to me like he doesn't see any reason to make an effort for you, as you've asked him to and it's been translated by him as your fault somehow. I would find that quite insulting, really. Like you're making an unreasonable demand of him because you're so needy. But I don't think you are, what you appear to want and need is pretty normal. Do you think you'd be happy with it exactly like this in another five year's time?

paddy's_mum

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

a pure expression of delight and joy in the other person.

You wordsmith, you! :T

RacyRed

euronorris wrote: »

How much affection does he show you? And how often?

How much affection do you show him? And how often?

I ask because my OH could have written a post similar to yours, but.....my POV is that I DO show him affection (several times a day) & I do instigate it too. But it seems it's never enough for him. He can be a little, for want of a better word, clingy at times (usually when something is stressing him out or upsetting him). And I don't want to spend the entire evening cuddled up on the couch with him.

It's not because I don't love him, or I'm not into him. It's because I just need my own space sometimes. I've had a busy day at work too, but there is still more to do. Housework, paperwork, cooking etc. I need 5 minutes to myself after all that. Plus, I'm a fidget, and get very self concious about how much I am moving around when we are cuddled up together. And often, I don't find it that comfortable. Especially not for long periods of time.

That is also why he often finds that I become more affectionate when we are out, or have had a drink. I have less stuff to worry about, or that needs doing, so I become 'free' to enjoy my time with him.

With the hug in bed incident, how did he respond exactly? What reaction did you want? Was he already asleep? Or had he had a long, stressful/tiring day?

I'm not trying to defend him, or make out that it must be you, it's just that I know from experience there are two sides to this story (my OH will tell you I never instigate affection, which simply isn't true! It's just that he does it soooo often, my attempts seem to go unrecognised).

OP, I feel for you, that is such an impossibly difficult thing to live with.

Euronorris, the bit in bold. To be honest if you are not instigating affection in a way your OH recognises, then how can he realise that is what you are doing?

Think of it as both of you speaking the physical version of different languages. if you keep saying the things he wants to hear but in a language he doesn't understand, then how can he know what you are saying?

I lived for a very long time with someone who refused to tell me he loved me and couldn't show me affection in a language I understood. Far too soon, physical contact was a peck on the cheek in the morning as we set off for work, that was it. When I talked to him about it he brushed it off too. He told me that actions speak louder than words and his actions should tell me he loved me. But his actions were to react as if he had been burned if I touched him, having no part of our bodies touching in bed. After a couple of decades I couldn't deal with it any more, the cost to my self esteem, mental and physical health was just too great, I loved him so much but had to walk. When I left he was totally shocked.... but still couldn't hug me or tell me he loved me, even on the day the removal men came.

If you are in a relationship and your partner says you are not showing enough affection, listen and find a compromise that works for both of you. It isn't something any of us can afford to be reluctant/shy/selfish/arrogant about. And it is a form of selfishness to put your own comfort preferences above the emotional well being of the person you love.

OP, sit him down and try to explain it to him. If he cannot understand or refuses to find a way to make it work better for both of you, then you have to ask yourself if you can live like that for the rest of your life?

BitterAndTwisted a pure expression of delight and joy in the other person. That is so brilliantly put

BitterAndTwisted

I'm possibly reading completely different things into this relationship and admit I could be wrong, wrong, wrong.

His physical demonstrativeness has changed since the beginning of the relationship.

He works away during the week.

When he is there, and the OP has said how she values the touches, the hugs, the cuddles he writes it off out of hand as her insecurity.

None of those is adding up to anything good to me.

euronorris

RacyRed wrote: »

Euronorris, the bit in bold. To be honest if you are not instigating affection in a way your OH recognises, then how can he realise that is what you are doing?

I don't know what else to do though. I always greet him with a hug and a kiss when we get home. I grab his butt, affectionately, every now and then. Sometimes I just reach out and start caressing his arm, or his back, or just to hold his hand. I always make sure we have a kiss and cuddle in bed, and we spend most of the night 'spooning' whilst we sleep. And I always kiss him when we first wake up. I make the effort to have cuddles several times a day too. Does anyone really think that I am not doing enough here?

So, personally, I don't think I am doing anything wrong here. He always smiles, and reciprocates, but it's just never enough for him. So he does recognise it, but he just seems to forget about my efforts because he is instigating at any moment where phsyical contact is not currently happening. His ideal though, would be for us to be cuddled up permanently, for every moment we are together. Sorry, but I don't and can't live like that. I have stuff to do! Someone has to cook the meals, wash the clothes, hoover the carpets, wash the dishes, tidy up, order the groceries etc. And I've noticed that he often tries to instigate things when I am busy with a task - like cooking, or researching something on the net (and that is why I made the clingy reference - it's almost as if he can't stand me being busy with something that doesn't involve him).

He also can't understand why I get irritated for being interrupted, yet will get equally irritated if I interrupt him when he's busy with a task. Interrupting the cooking is the one that gets me though. We have an extractor fan above the hob, and he will sneak up behind me and then start tickling me. I have hit my head on that d*mn extractor fan so many times because of that! The last time, I exploded at him about it because I have repeatedly asked him not to tickle me when I am cooking, because of that very reason, and yet he continued, and yet again I ended up phsyically hurt because of it. Thankfully, since then, he's been sticking to just hugs when I am cooking and doesn't sneak up behind me either (when I'm focussed on a task, I can 'jump' very easily).

alleycat`

euronorris wrote: »

He also can't understand why I get irritated for being interrupted, yet will get equally irritated if I interrupt him when he's busy with a task. Interrupting the cooking is the one that gets me though. We have an extractor fan above the hob, and he will sneak up behind me and then start tickling me. I have hit my head on that d*mn extractor fan so many times because of that! The last time, I exploded at him about it because I have repeatedly asked him not to tickle me when I am cooking, because of that very reason, and yet he continued, and yet again I ended up phsyically hurt because of it. Thankfully, since then, he's been sticking to just hugs when I am cooking and doesn't sneak up behind me either (when I'm focussed on a task, I can 'jump' very easily).

Didn't have much to comment on with regards to the rest of the thread but this bit made me chuckle.
It describes myself and my wife (although she doesn't bang her head on the extractor hood).
She does get very cheesed off about it and i've learned (mostly) my lesson about doing it after 10 years or so.

Apparently i need a bell around my neck so she knows when i arrive.

lostinrates

euronorris wrote: »

I don't know what else to do though. I always greet him with a hug and a kiss when we get home. I grab his butt, affectionately, every now and then. Sometimes I just reach out and start caressing his arm, or his back, or just to hold his hand. I always make sure we have a kiss and cuddle in bed, and we spend most of the night 'spooning' whilst we sleep. And I always kiss him when we first wake up. I make the effort to have cuddles several times a day too. Does anyone really think that I am not doing enough here?

So, personally, I don't think I am doing anything wrong here. He always smiles, and reciprocates, but it's just never enough for him. So he does recognise it, but he just seems to forget about my efforts because he is instigating at any moment where phsyical contact is not currently happening. His ideal though, would be for us to be cuddled up permanently, for every moment we are together. Sorry, but I don't and can't live like that. I have stuff to do! Someone has to cook the meals, wash the clothes, hoover the carpets, wash the dishes, tidy up, order the groceries etc. And I've noticed that he often tries to instigate things when I am busy with a task - like cooking, or researching something on the net (and that is why I made the clingy reference - it's almost as if he can't stand me being busy with something that doesn't involve him).

He also can't understand why I get irritated for being interrupted, yet will get equally irritated if I interrupt him when he's busy with a task. Interrupting the cooking is the one that gets me though. We have an extractor fan above the hob, and he will sneak up behind me and then start tickling me. I have hit my head on that d*mn extractor fan so many times because of that! The last time, I exploded at him about it because I have repeatedly asked him not to tickle me when I am cooking, because of that very reason, and yet he continued, and yet again I ended up phsyically hurt because of it. Thankfully, since then, he's been sticking to just hugs when I am cooking and doesn't sneak up behind me either (when I'm focussed on a task, I can 'jump' very easily).

Euro, i would say....i am in the middle of this, so i cannot right now, but if you help me my hands will be freer sooner......


I too jump easily, and scream a lot. I find people stop that anoying creeping up buisness if when you spin round you clock them with something as a reflex. Keep a wooden spoon on you (as opposed to something sharp or metal)

alleycat`

lostinrates wrote: »

I too jump easily, and scream a lot. I find people stop that anoying creeping up buisness if when you spin round you clock them with something as a reflex. Keep a wooden spoon on you (as opposed to something sharp or metal)

I hope this idea doesn't get out.... :eek:

londonsurrey

lostinrates wrote: »

Euro, i would say....i am in the middle of this, so i cannot right now, but if you help me my hands will be freer sooner......


I too jump easily, and scream a lot. I find people stop that anoying creeping up buisness if when you spin round you clock them with something as a reflex. Keep a wooden spoon on you (as opposed to something sharp or metal)

Omigosh. I scream easily too. I've been told that I'm weird and made to feel like I'm being self indulgent, but it really isn't an affectation. I honestly would prefer not to be startled and screaming.