I need more affection! Help?!

euronorris

How much affection does he show you? And how often?

How much affection do you show him? And how often?

I ask because my OH could have written a post similar to yours, but.....my POV is that I DO show him affection (several times a day) & I do instigate it too. But it seems it's never enough for him. He can be a little, for want of a better word, clingy at times (usually when something is stressing him out or upsetting him). And I don't want to spend the entire evening cuddled up on the couch with him.

It's not because I don't love him, or I'm not into him. It's because I just need my own space sometimes. I've had a busy day at work too, but there is still more to do. Housework, paperwork, cooking etc. I need 5 minutes to myself after all that. Plus, I'm a fidget, and get very self concious about how much I am moving around when we are cuddled up together. And often, I don't find it that comfortable. Especially not for long periods of time.

That is also why he often finds that I become more affectionate when we are out, or have had a drink. I have less stuff to worry about, or that needs doing, so I become 'free' to enjoy my time with him.

With the hug in bed incident, how did he respond exactly? What reaction did you want? Was he already asleep? Or had he had a long, stressful/tiring day?

I'm not trying to defend him, or make out that it must be you, it's just that I know from experience there are two sides to this story (my OH will tell you I never instigate affection, which simply isn't true! It's just that he does it soooo often, my attempts seem to go unrecognised).

BitterAndTwisted

You have told him how you feel and his only response was to tell you that you're just insecure. Look, if he's not prepared to show you any physical affection after you've made it plain how much you want it, then he's not the right bloke for you. It wasn't such a lot to ask and he's rejected you out of hand. I'd have packed by now.

BitterAndTwisted

He drinks too much and he has acknowledged this, and "when he's drunk I am the most beautiful woman in the world, he kisses me hugs me but sober he's completely different". May I ask: when he's drunk and you are the most beautiful woman in the world does this always end by you having sex? The reason I ask is that some men see all that physical closeness rubbish as being purely a means to an end, some can't see it as a pure expression of delight and joy in the other person.

Fifteen months into a relationship generally means that a couple can barely keep their hands off each other and I'm not referring to just the sex-part.

Brighton_belle

I hate his suggestion the the request for cuddles is insecurity!! No it isn't -it's about 'the pure expression of delight and joy in the other person' as B&T so beautifully put it.

Your needs in this relationship are different and I don't think he is going to change.
Time to think whether he compensates enough in other ways for you, or if this is a deal breaker and you need to find a touchy feely bloke to give you what you need out of a relationship.

BitterAndTwisted

Brighton Belle: I think you meant a "normal" bloke rather than a "touchy feely" one.

People who are genuinely in love don't disregard their other half's feelings or needs out of hand or make light of them either, most especially when they have made them quite clear. He wasn't asked to do something complicated, difficult or distasteful but it would be quite easy to think that it might have been taken that way given his response.

As I said, I'd have done my packing by now.

lostinrates

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

Brighton Belle: I think you meant a "normal" bloke rather than a "touchy feely" one.

People who are genuinely in love don't disregard their other half's feelings or needs out of hand or make light of them either, most especially when they have made them quite clear. He wasn't asked to do something complicated, difficult or distasteful but it would be quite easy to think that it might have been taken that way given his response.

As I said, I'd have done my packing by now.

No, you are right, in a functional relationship middle grounds is reached.

I adore my dh but he is more cuddly than i am. We have worked this out, i get a while to adjust when he comes home, after greeting him with a quick kiss and hug and we even fibd how we cuddle helps. Like euronorris i am a self conscious fidget, we find its eaier for me to fidget if we sit sideways on a sofa, hom behind me, so i am free to fidget and have 'kicking room' and he feels the warmth of physical closeness and we are both happy.

Brighton_belle

I get what you are saying B&T - and I think that is what I meant - one who loves being with you and demonstrates that easily = normal. And certainly doesn't dismiss your needs in the relationship with a bucket of cold water put down.

meritaten

It doesnt matter how everyone else feels - You feel you are not getting enough affection. It's your life hun and only you know if you can live with person who isn't touchy-feely and doesnt tell you 'I love you' everyday.
If it's upsetting you that much you are posting on here - then either sort out something with the BF or finish with him and hope to find someone who is at least as romantic as you.
If boyf finds it hard to say 'I love you' when not bladdered, could you work out a code he wouldnt be embarrassed to say? but would let YOU know he loves you and is thinking of you? as others have said - some men just find those three words hard to say!
could be something as simple as 'hun, I need a cuppa'!

BitterAndTwisted

Meritaten: it's not just the words that the OP is missing, it's the looks and touches which have diminished since the beginning. I think that's rather different to a man not being able to say ILY every five minutes. A man who won't touch you except as a prelude to something else would be most unsatisfactory for a lot of women.

The OP says it's like he's not interested. I'd go further and say it's not like it: he isn't. He can't even bring himself to acknowledge that what she's asked for is valid in any way, and it's just been brushed off as if it doesn't matter. And it does. To her.

ciderwithrosie_2

My husband is like this, he wasn't always so untactile or unaffectionate but now it's like he doesn't need that contact in any form. After 23 years of marriage it's very hard to live with believe me and has knocked my self-esteem through the floor. I feel like his housemate or housekeeper not his wife. If you can do something about it now, e.g. find someone more demonstrative or by some miracle get him to alter his ways then I'd urge you to do it.