how normal is it for your partner to spend time with their ex

Valli

actually I think you'll find what's going on in your (and his) life is not 'normal' - by which I mean not common.

The only person I know who is separated (now divorced) from the father of her children who continues to have a 'relationship' with her ex like the one you describe is a friend of mine who's husband decided he was gay.
And she 'expected' her ex to continue to 'do' for their kids - so if their bedrooms (in 'her' house) needed decorating she expected him to do it, because she 'couldn't'...

She laid on the guilt.

Does your partner feel guilt?

Having said THAT, however - his 'being around' for the kids, doing odd jobs etc is actually him setting a good example; being a proactive parent and he will have a heck of a lot more leverage, and influence, than a 'Sunday' dad - no way are they going to be able to claim he doesn't support them, or he isn't involved in their lives, or he doesn't care.

Now me, I wouldn't have my ex odd-jobbing round mine because he's crap at it BUT when DS was 18 it was ME who pushed for daddy and daddy's GF to be with us for the celebrations - we didn't separate over another person so I don't have a problem with it.

A_Phoenix_of_Tangerine

I'm not sure about your problem, OP, but your use of double exclamation marks at the end of every sentence are driving me nuts! (!)

maybebaybe

A_Phoenix_of_Tangerine wrote: »

I'm not sure about your problem, OP, but your use of double exclamation marks at the end of every sentence are driving me nuts! (!)

Ooops sorry

dizzyg_2

I am one of the lucky ones and have a very good relationship with my ex. In his eyes I am the mother of his child and we are and always will be family. He is more than happy to help out with things if needed and it is more like a brother and sister relationship than anything else.

However we are both able to compromise on arrangements to help each other out and work around whats best for DD. I recently started a new relationship and had a few problems at first with my partner because my ex and I are such good friends. He was suspicious if there was more too it or not and we had many discussions on what was 'normal'. I had to listen to his views and find a way to compromise. His main gripe at the time was plans for my ex to stay on xmas eve so he got to see DD when she woke up, something we have done every year. I took this on board and instead my ex came round first thing in the morning. My partner has since got to know my ex and has no problem with things now.

Op from what you say your partner has no respect for your feelings in the matter and whether or not anything is going on between him and his ex his attitude towards you stinks. Yes it can be normal for ex's to get along and help each other out when there are kids involved but this sounds very one sided and you need to think long term how you are going to feel if nothing changes.

determined_new_ms

there is so much evidence that children far so much better if there parent's separate and have a good relationship & the father is still an active part of their lives. So from that perspective its a good thing.

I think you guys have to be able to talk about this like adults and work it out. I personally would find it really hard to be in this position so have never gone for guys with children, harder as you get older I know!

good luck x

belfastgirl23

Well either he's someone you want to be with, warts and all, or he isn't.

If you want to be with him TBH I think you sort of have to suck this up. It is much much better for the kids to have parents who are able to get along and able to jointly prioritise their needs. The changing arrangements thing, I can understand how it's a pain for you but at the same time these things do happen with children. And personally I can see a good side in this, he's not going to let himself be sidelined out of his children's lives and I think this is admirable and responsible.

I think your strategy of not seeing the ex is a mistake. Presuming you are going to stay with this man long term there are going to be birthday parties, engagement parties, weddings, christenings etc etc down the line. Do you want to go along feeling like the odd one out and the grumpy stepmother? Or worse, not go at all cos she's there and you can't face it or aren't invited? Or do you want to have enough of a relationship with her that you can go along and feel like you belong there? You need to think about the long term here.

In your shoes I'd be inclined to be sweetness and light with her at all times. Right now she knows her tactics are getting to you. I wouldn't want her to know that, it gives her too much power.

But of course this is all presuming he's basically a good man and worth holding on to, and it's possible that this isn't the case only you can figure that bit out.

fluffnutter

belfastgirl23 wrote: »

If you want to be with him TBH I think you sort of have to suck this up. It is much much better for the kids to have parents who are able to get along and able to jointly prioritise their needs.

Do they 'get along' or does the ex manipulate every situation to her own advantage, using threats to control her previous partner?

I don't see that as great example of parents prioritising their kids' needs really.

I think it's wonderful when fathers remain in their children's lives and I'm a strong advocate for putting your own ego aside and getting on with stuff for the kids' sake. However, I'm not convinced this situation is a good example of that, and there are a few too many compromises suggested in your post for me personally to ever be happy.

When you meet someone with children, you accept their primary importance in your OH's life; that doesn't mean you should need to welcome a manipulative and controlling ex into your own. How is the relationship ever going to have a chance with the spectre of a third person still calling the shots?

mintymoneysaver

dizzyg wrote: »

I am one of the lucky ones and have a very good relationship with my ex. In his eyes I am the mother of his child and we are and always will be family. He is more than happy to help out with things if needed and it is more like a brother and sister relationship than anything else.

However we are both able to compromise on arrangements to help each other out and work around whats best for DD. I recently started a new relationship and had a few problems at first with my partner because my ex and I are such good friends. He was suspicious if there was more too it or not and we had many discussions on what was 'normal'. I had to listen to his views and find a way to compromise. His main gripe at the time was plans for my ex to stay on xmas eve so he got to see DD when she woke up, something we have done every year. I took this on board and instead my ex came round first thing in the morning. My partner has since got to know my ex and has no problem with things now.

Op from what you say your partner has no respect for your feelings in the matter and whether or not anything is going on between him and his ex his attitude towards you stinks. Yes it can be normal for ex's to get along and help each other out when there are kids involved but this sounds very one sided and you need to think long term how you are going to feel if nothing changes.

I'm a wife who has very recently split up from my husband. It is amicable and so far ( last 8 weeks) I have sorted out his car insurance for him, he has checked the tyres and water on my car, we have attended a family party, and we're off out on a day trip tomorrow. If he ever gets a new partner ( which I hope he does, as long as she's nice) then I would hope he would still do jobs for me because we have known each other for 26 years, but I would be really cross with him if it was something that his new partner wasn't happy with, and he carried on doing it.

missprice

maybebaybe wrote: »

My question is do any of your partners Male or Female spend a lot of time with their ex doing odd jobs for them etc.

Mine used to go there on weekends and through the week, but if it was to see the kids I didn't mind.
when he went off with tools and said he was fixing something I had to say my piece.
which in general was 'How do you think other single parents manage to get stuff fixed? If I managed for 14 years before you cane along then its time she managed as you no longer live there and you cannot drop everything just to fix something in a house you no longer live in.
he did see my point and in fact his father took over the mowing and fixing stuff,:rotfl:

Taadaa

Oh dear. Not a good situation to be in at all.

So basically he does what she wants when she wants, because if he doesn't, she might turn into she hulk and stop him seeing the kids. And now you have come along, don't like the way it appears she is controlling his time, and he won't change it. Because he wants a quiet life and doesn't want to rock the boat.

How long have they been apart? Mrs Ex needs some ground rules by the sound of it. Did he leave her, or was it mutual? Does he *need* to pop in to her house a couple of times a week for a chat? Can he try and focus the relationship more on just the kids, and not her? This will take time, obviously, but he really needs to admit there is an issue here first. Otherwise you are wasting your time with this man, I'm afraid.

Obviously he cannot always put you first, but believe me you cannot be playing second fiddle all the time to other people in his life. That isn't a relationship. You will become more and more resentful over time.

The bottom line is he is going to have this problem with any relations he enters into for as long as he has dependant kids. When they have grown up and !!!!!!ed off he is going to realise he is all alone and regret it.