how normal is it for your partner to spend time with their ex

maybebaybe

My partner has children with his ex. We have his children every weekend so he see's them regularly.

He goes round there and does odd jobs for her and also will just pop round there for a chat and to see the kids every now and then.

I was having a chat with a friend of mine as my partner and I are having a couple of probs at the moment and when I told her how much time he spends with his ex she said this was not the norm !!

Tbh I have never been that comfortable with it since finding something out about my partner and his ex ( while we were together ) but he says for our relationship to work I have to put up with this as this is how it is, and I usually do !!

My question is do any of your partners Male or Female spend a lot of time with their ex doing odd jobs for them etc.

balletshoes

I think it depends how much time you're talking about, and if he jumps when his ex calls and disrupts/changes plans you've made together, for example.

Poppy9

I think it's brill that he has such a good relationship with his ex. Presumably if he wanted to be "with" her then he would leave you and go back to her.

Your OH will always be connected to his ex because of his children, you could always try inviting her to your house for special occasions so that you get to know her too and don't feel so threatened by her.

maybebaybe

balletshoes wrote: »

I think it depends how much time you're talking about, and if he jumps when his ex calls and disrupts/changes plans you've made together, for example.

basically yes he does jump when she calls and yes we do change plans we have made together, mainly with the children, she will change things up as and when, but for some reason we are never allowed to !!

balletshoes

maybebaybe wrote: »

basically yes he does jump when she calls and yes we do change plans we have made together, mainly with the children, she will change things up as and when, but for some reason we are never allowed to !!

the thing is, if your OH is doing it to keep the best relationship he can with his children, then really thats commendable isn't it? But I can see that it might be a pain to you if plans are regularly changed - however that can be the situation when there are children involved anyway, regardless if the parents are apart or not.

maybebaybe

Poppy9 wrote: »

I think it's brill that he has such a good relationship with his ex. Presumably if he wanted to be "with" her then he would leave you and go back to her.

Your OH will always be connected to his ex because of his children, you could always try inviting her to your house for special occasions so that you get to know her too and don't feel so threatened by her.

Poppy I'm pretty sure he dosnt want to be back with her because as you said he would be !!

But no way on this earth would I invite her to mine !! She just simply isnt very nice, its a long story but she is very manipulative and very clever or at least thinks she is !!

and this is not just my perception I have been on the receiving end of quite a few of her antics !! I have to just grin and bear it !! So I just do !!

fluffnutter

Your problem is not whether your OH spends time with his ex, it's where you think his priorities lie. It's never going to be black and white because there are children involved, and a certain amount of flexibility is necessary.

But if you think he feels it's more important to put a few shelves up for his ex than honour a commitment he's made to have a day out with you (for example) then I think you have a right to feel disgruntled. It's fine to always be there for his kids. It's not fine to always be there for his kids' mother.

Have you tried talking to him about this? Do you get the sense that he feels a little manipulated and controlled by his ex, or do you think he just sees himself as an easy-going guy doing the best for his kids who doesn't realise he's being a little insensitive to his partner?

Men can be really stupid. Unless it's pointed out to him, he'll won't realise he's upsetting you. However... if this is something you've discussed and he continues to be at his ex's beck and call then you do have more of a problem.

It's a difficult one to tackle, because however you put your (not unreasonable) concerns to him, it can always be interpreted as you suggesting he should be putting you before his kids. It needs careful handling to ensure this isn't about the children, something that will need tact, a calm approach and perhaps a repeated message.

If he is under his ex's thumb, I really don't envy you. It's a hard habit to break and, unfortunately I've seen a few relationships fail because a man can't let go of his previous life. Problem is, it might suit him to try to keep everybody happy - his kids, you and his ex. He might feel that if he doesn't keep the ex sweet, she'll become awkward about letting him see the kids (for example). Many men simply bury their heads in the sand and would rather not stand up to this

maybebaybe

But funny thing is when we first got together I was still friends with my ex, not on a seeing each other basis, but on a he would text me to say hi every once in a while and I would text back just saying Hi back.

I know me and my ex have no kids together but it was only a few Hi texts and I always told my partner when he did and showed him the texts, but he hated it !!

he would say to me he wants you back, then one day I was out with some mates and my ex happened to be part of the group with his new girlfriend !! I told my partner when I got home that my ex was there with his new girlfriend, and the comment he made was that was pretty convenient seeing as he wasnt't there !!

Then that same evening my ex text to say it was good to see me and my partner went mad, saying see I told you he wanted you back, so to keep the peace I sent my ex a text to please stop texting as I am in a relationship !!

I know thats a bit Off Topic lol but it just seems one rule for him and another for me !!

maybebaybe

fluffnutter wrote: »

Your problem is not whether your OH spends time with his ex, it's where you think his priorities lie. It's never going to be black and white because there are children involved, and a certain amount of flexibility is necessary.

But if you think he feels it's more important to put a few shelves up for his ex than honour a commitment he's made to have a day out with you (for example) then I think you have a right to feel disgruntled. It's fine to always be there for his kids. It's not fine to always be there for his kids' mother.

Have you tried talking to him about this? Do you get the sense that he feels a little manipulated and controlled by his ex, or do you think he just sees himself as an easy-going guy doing the best for his kids who doesn't realise he's being a little insensitive to his partner?

Men can be really stupid. Unless it's pointed out to him, he'll won't realise he's upsetting you. However... if this is something you've discussed and he continues to be at his ex's beck and call then you do have more of a problem.

It's a difficult one to tackle, because however you put your (not unreasonable) concerns to him, it can always be interpreted as you suggesting he should be putting you before his kids. It needs careful handling to ensure this isn't about the children, something that will need tact, a calm approach and perhaps a repeated message.

If he is under his ex's thumb, I really don't envy you. It's a hard habit to break and, unfortunately I've seen a few relationships fail because a man can't let go of his previous life. Problem is, it might suit him to try to keep everybody happy - his kids, you and his ex. He might feel that if he doesn't keep the ex sweet, she'll become awkward about letting him see the kids (for example). Many men simply bury their heads in the sand and would rather not stand up to this

I think u have basically nailed this on the head !! He has said about one thing she did if he said anything to her, then she would stop him seeing the kids !!

Poppy9

maybebaybe wrote: »

But no way on this earth would I invite her to mine !! She just simply isnt very nice, its a long story but she is very manipulative and very clever or at least thinks she is !!

Then she wins! She knows she is annoying you so go on the charm offensive. Be very nice and welcoming to her so she has no excuse to !!!!! about you behind your back.

fluffnutter

That's your problem then, lovey. She's got the control and he's too scared to stand up to her because he can't face the potential fallout of not seeing his kids. All the while he remains in thrall to her, you're going to suffer.

How have you approached it so far? I assume he knows you're unhappy? What have you said and how have you said it?