My 5 year old son has started lying

gibson123

Bright Lad, lying is when you think about it the intelligent thing to do.

I agree with the others who say ignore the lie and praise the truth.

andygb

I used to lie as a child, simply to avoid the beatings from my mom, who had a very quick temper. It did not really matter if I realised that she knew that I was lying (I was aware of this even at a young age), but I lied simply to put off what I knew would follow.

QuackQuackOops

Deleted_User wrote: »

Thanks for replying so quickly.

Yes it generaly is to get himself out of trouble. On Monday I was eating breakfast and I heard this very loud banging going on in his room above. I was on the verge of going up to see what was going on when it stopped and he came downstairs. I said:-

"What was that banging noise going on upstairs?"
"I don't know, maybe it was (his sister)".
"No she is downstairs already".
"I think it was next door..."
"No it was coming from your room. Tell me what it was, i'm not cross just wondered what you were doing".
"I don't know, I can't remember", his eyes avoiding mine etc.

So i finish eating, take his hand and we go to his room.

"So show me what was making that noise, were you rattling your bed?"
"No, i can't remember"
"I think you are lying to me, tell me please I won't be annoyed"
"I was banging my wardrobe door to listen to the sound".

Then he apologised and we discussed all that had happened, the whys and wherefores.

In itself, its no major deal, it just took over 10-15 mins to get to the bottom of it, when he could have said

"Im sorry mummy I was banging my wardrobe door as I liked the sound". I would then have told him not to do it again and why and it would have been forgotten about.

Today's lie was more complicated but he was lying on different levels, then lying more to cover up the lie he'd just told.

I like the star chart idea, i have tried them in the past with various successes. I've just googled kids lying and I realise I am asking lots of open ended questions, giving lots of opportunity to lie, so i'll try to stop that. Its often hard to think on your feet though, especially when you are juggling a million things and trying to get out the door to school.

Your questioning could come across as intimidating. Im not saying that it is, just that it could be taken that way by a child.

When you ask him "What was that noise?" he will momentarily think "Oh dear, Im in trouble. I better try get out of it".
So you have to by-pass that stage.

Dont question him. You know hes making a noise. He knows hes making a noise so you dont need to make it an issue with questions.

It is much simpler to say to him "Please stop making that noise" and when it stops say "Thank You".
You will find an improvement because hes not looking to get out of anything.

DVardysShadow

skylight wrote: »

.... My kids have all told fibs and still do occassionally, which I always mention is pointless as Mummys know everything.....

You are fibbing

littleg_2

I'll always remember that series by Robert Winston (?) about child development where a child lying shows great empathy and intelligence as they understand the feelings/thoughts of others. My dd has some social development delay , although bright, and I was delighted when she told her first fib at 6 years! And lets be honest, everyone lies now aand then, even if just saving someone elses feelings.

jfdi

Has your child ever been told off for telling the truth? eg 'Yes Mummy, it was me who ate that cake / made the floor dirty / got a pen mark on my shirt' and had Mum say 'Oh , that is naughty, you mustn't do it again' or similar?

If so they've just learned to tell you what you want to hear to avoid a telling off!

So it may be 'normal' (Me & mine were as guilty as anyone!) but it is certainly learned behaviour!

Gorgeestwo

My two are 5 and 7, he sounds completely normal tbh, they all do it, I remember getting really worried about it a couple of years ago, when DS was about the same age as your son and my mum told me about an article she'd read somewhere or other that the more a child lies (up to the age of about 8 or something, not right into the teenage yrs ) the brighter they are and more successful they're likely to be as adults, goodness knows how true that is, but it made me feel a whole lot better and I still remind myself of it sometimes now when DD comes out with some cracking stuff :rotfl:.

thistledome

I suppose nobody reads Hilaire Belloc's Cautionary Tales to their kids anymore? I still remember them over forty years later, scary stuff. Bit too gory for modern children I expect.

Matilda - who told lies and was burned to death.
http://www.mainlesson.com/display.php?author=belloc&book=cautionary&story=matilda

Gingham_R

This is a great article on lying at this age. http://attachmentparenting.org/blog/2011/02/11/lying-the-developmental-truth/

And this is just fantastic. http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=112292248&sc=emaf

I particularly like the tip on trying to jump in and prevent the lie from happening.

pandora205

The behaviour you describe is entirely normal and very common. It shows they've reached the developmental stage when they can imagine and have 'theory of mind', understanding that others have a different view point. When put on the spot and anticipating possible punishment, children will often lie. It is better to describe 'I notice you were making quite a noise up there banging' and wait for a response, rather than ask a direct question. If the child denies making a noise, it's best to comment 'I think you were banging'. I'd ignore any response that blamed others, etc. to show I wasn't taken in by the story and just repeat, 'I think you were'.

Accept that children do things that annoy us, that they make mistakes and sometimes have bad judgement - because they are still learning. Punishing lying in a five year old can actually be counter productive and encourages more lying, as children will usually lie to avoid this. It's particularly important not to overreact as children approach adolescence as they will become secretive and not share if they have made serious errors of judgement.

Talking things through is important and giving reasons why being truthful is important (However, even that isn't black and white is it? Telling white lies and partial truths is part of socially competence. When asked by a relative if he likes a present or new hairstyle, honesty may not be quite so desirable).