My 5 year old son has started lying

[Deleted User]

and despite all my best efforts I am struggling with how to stop it.

Overall he is a well behaved boy and i often get positive comments from people about both children. But I've noticed over the last few months he has started telling lies to avoid getting in trouble. All these have been caught out by me at home, i've not had anyone else or the school comment about it yet.

On monday he told me a lie, I gave him a chance to back down and rethink, but he continued to lie. Eventually he admitted the truth and apologised. As a consequence he didn't have his friend to play after school.

This morning he lied over something again, realised he would be caught out and told another lie to cover the last one. It was obvious he was lying, his stories always vary. I said I was disappointed that he hadn't learnt from Monday and that lying isn't acceptable. I didnt have time to think of a consequence as we were already late for school.

However when he gets home I really want to talk to him again about it (despite having done so many times). I've explained to him about the boy who cried wolf, reassured him that its better to tell the truth than lie and tried to put him in a situtation where he can "back down".

Have you any thoughts on

1. Ideas to prevent him lying?
2. What consistent consequence there is if he lies (something that affects him only and no-one else in the house). I cant say no tv, that's not fair on his sister and I don't use food as rewards or punishments. I had been thinking going to bed half an hr earlier, but that does seem harsh when he lied at 8.30am as kids of this age need a punishment there and then, not 12 hrs later.

I have thought about taking lego away (his favourite), but he has so much of it all around the house, i don't think we'd collate all of it. Plus that would affect me as he often wakes early and allows everyone to sleep on and not disturb us by building lego.

I love my boy and want him to help him, just finding this one a tad tricky and want to handle it in a positive way. Lastly to add, I try not to shout and scream when he lies and just talk in a normal voice so he doesn't feel intimidated.

Thanks

*Louise*

My two youngest have charts, if they get their marker to the top they get to choose an item from my reward bag (just small toys, worth £1-£2)

They move up or down one space for various things but for a big thing like telling a lie they would move all the way to the bottom of the chart (and they HATE that) For telling the truth, even knowing it would get them into trouble, I would move them down two spaces for telling the lie, but back up one space to show that they have saved themselves a little (iyswim)

Most children will go through this phase, you are out to nip it in the bud so I doubt it will become a long term problem.

Gingham_R

Is it just when he's trying to get out of trouble?

Both my and my friend's 5 year old tell fantastic tales about all sorts of things that have happened to them in completely serious voices, involving aliens and monsters and dragons at school and all sorts of things.

This is completely normal and an important developmental stage where children are developing their imaginations. I play along, especially if it's a story based around something he's trying to learn how to deal with - eg if someone gets hurt/goes to the doctor, he's got a story about the same thing happening to him. And when he found out about illegal drugs through a less than careful 12 year old we know who talked about someone being arrested in front of him, he told me that 'someone tried to give me medicine that wasn't from the doctor while I was at school today.'

I'm all for that - he's learning well from it. If, however, his fantasies include another child hitting him, for example, I simply ask if it's a 'true' or a 'made-up' and he can tell me the difference.

If you're talking about trying to get out of trouble, I'd argue that this is all normal 5 year old behaviour too, but in that case I'd still use stories to help him learn - maybe something like Peter and the Wolf? I wouldn't punish the lie - I'd have consequences for the thing he did wrong and completely ignore the lie. He'll learn that there is no benefit in lying and that's all.

Hope that makes sense.

skylight

Continue what you are doing! Discussing the problem and putting a consequence into place is just fine. Its not likely that he is going to suddenly stop lying and you could have this problem for some time, but parenting consistancy is the key whether you are able to nip in in the bud or not.

My kids have all told fibs and still do occassionally, which I always mention is pointless as Mummys know everything..... My 5yo is doing the same thing and she is always given a chance to put it right before a "punishment" is handed out.

[Deleted User]

Thanks for replying so quickly.

Yes it generaly is to get himself out of trouble. On Monday I was eating breakfast and I heard this very loud banging going on in his room above. I was on the verge of going up to see what was going on when it stopped and he came downstairs. I said:-

"What was that banging noise going on upstairs?"
"I don't know, maybe it was (his sister)".
"No she is downstairs already".
"I think it was next door..."
"No it was coming from your room. Tell me what it was, i'm not cross just wondered what you were doing".
"I don't know, I can't remember", his eyes avoiding mine etc.

So i finish eating, take his hand and we go to his room.

"So show me what was making that noise, were you rattling your bed?"
"No, i can't remember"
"I think you are lying to me, tell me please I won't be annoyed"
"I was banging my wardrobe door to listen to the sound".

Then he apologised and we discussed all that had happened, the whys and wherefores.

In itself, its no major deal, it just took over 10-15 mins to get to the bottom of it, when he could have said

"Im sorry mummy I was banging my wardrobe door as I liked the sound". I would then have told him not to do it again and why and it would have been forgotten about.

Today's lie was more complicated but he was lying on different levels, then lying more to cover up the lie he'd just told.

I like the star chart idea, i have tried them in the past with various successes. I've just googled kids lying and I realise I am asking lots of open ended questions, giving lots of opportunity to lie, so i'll try to stop that. Its often hard to think on your feet though, especially when you are juggling a million things and trying to get out the door to school.

BitterAndTwisted

Deleted_User wrote: »

On Monday he told me a lie, I gave him a chance to back down and rethink, but he continued to lie. Eventually he admitted the truth and apologised. As a consequence he didn't have his friend to play after school.

So, given the opportunity to come clean and tell the truth he got punished anyway? That may not have had the effect you desired.

Everything depends on the child and the kind of lies he tells. How refined is his understanding of truth and fantasy? Does he understand the distinction between his own subjective truth and external reality? At his age it might be a better strategy to ignore his fibs and only challenge them when not ignoring them would be a danger to him and other people. I would try and not see his being untruthful as a determined effort to hoodwink you. It could all be an avoidance tactic to prevent being punished for what he perceives as a transgression which would make you angry with him.

MX5huggy

Have you ever read the Gruffalo with him? It all about successfully lying.

Then you have made your bed and you have to lie (no pun intended) in it.

sassyblue

Firstly it depends on what sort of trouble he's caused, if it's really bad or naughty trouble then l would be more bothered than normal 5 year old trouble. I'm trying to explain badly.....:o but say he breaks a neighbours window by deliberately throwing stones and lies - that would be very bad naturally..... but if it's something not put away and he lies about it - l wouldn't worry - normal!

The lie on Monday, remind yourself he did actually admit it in the end, that's better than continuing to lie, and he was punished.

Carry on doing what you're doing, that is the way to deal with it but he's only 5 and IMO kids will always tell lies to get themselves out of trouble. He's not going to end up feral, it's part of growing up.

BTW, you probably already do but l always say to my 5 year old 'well done for telling the truth, l'm proud of you' when he does own up. He lies for ridiculous things, says he's tidied up when he hasn't... :rotfl:

mcja

My 7yo son is a little monkey with lying. We have had all sorts to us, grandparents and teachers. We now use a marble jars with both kids (7yo ds and 5yo dd). Anything punishable is dealt with with a marble being taken out the good jar into the naughty jar. They are then returned once earnt.

I agree with PP's about praising him when he does tell you the truth. Its hard enough as an adult to back down from a lie, so for a child to do it to an already cross parent is even harder. I ALWAYS make my son apologise to the person he lied to, and we then try and forget about it.

Good luck and dont take it personally. It shows they have an active imagination!!

[Deleted User]

B&T, yes that makes sense, thanks for that.

I havent read the gruffalo, but i think he's seen the film at christmas.

Sassyblue, yes he will lie for not doing things or try to blame something he did/didn't do on someone else. It isn't him trying out his imagination, just avoiding trouble or punishment.

I can see I am not helping him not to lie and i appreciate your thoughts. Arrghh, sometimesI think I need to be a child pyschologist to get it right!! Lol.

mcja

Child pychologist, mind reader, counsellor as well as everything else. Its a bl00dy hard job being a parent and you are obviously a good one as you are dealing with this now, not letting it get worse.