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Nice people thread part 6 - thrice by twice as nice :)
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Sue, you get the blame according to whom? The wanderer himself? Does his opinion about that actually matter to you? It shouldn't. His thoughts are his thoughts - they belong inside his head, and there's no obligation for you to let them get inside yours. If he tells you it's your fault, tell him politely that the boys make their own decisions and you've no wish to discuss it with him. If it's just that you know that he thinks it, let go of it. He thinks a lot of things that are ludicrously untrue - for example that his behaviour to his sons constitutes adequate fatherhood.
Yes from him and it is not so much the opinion than the shouting and aggression that matters to me.
I have tried to warn him that he is losing his children but he honestly cannot see what he has done is wrong, he thinks they should love him unfailingly and respect him no matter how little he sees them and that if they don't, then I am obviously filling their heads with hate.
The boys see it as you do, his behaviour is not that of an adequate father....hence their reluctance to now be involved with him. This has been made worse this time as he keeps telling them he does not get holiday time from work (both middle and eldest are doing business studies and in that they have covered employment rights) and that is why he cannot have them for holidays..yet this visit is being tacked onto the end of a week away holiday.
Think he thinks they are still at primary school age and not aware....:rotfl:We made it! All three boys have graduated, it's been hard work but it shows there is a possibility of a chance of normal (ish) life after a diagnosis (or two) of ASD. It's not been the easiest route but I am so glad I ignored everything and everyone and did my own therapies with them.
Eldests' EDS diagnosis 4.5.10, mine 13.1.11 eekk - now having fun and games as a wheelchair user.0 -
Yes from him and it is not so much the opinion than the shouting and aggression that matters to me.
I have tried to warn him that he is losing his children but he honestly cannot see what he has done is wrong, he thinks they should love him unfailingly and respect him no matter how little he sees them and that if they don't, then I am obviously filling their heads with hate.
The boys see it as you do, his behaviour is not that of an adequate father....hence their reluctance to now be involved with him. This has been made worse this time as he keeps telling them he does not get holiday time from work (both middle and eldest are doing business studies and in that they have covered employment rights) and that is why he cannot have them for holidays..yet this visit is being tacked onto the end of a week away holiday.
Think he thinks they are still at primary school age and not aware....:rotfl:
I don't have any useful suggestions for you, but it so clear that He hasn't loved them unfailingly, or respected them (or you) no matter what. They have moved on and become independent thinkers (in no small part due to the environment you have managed to create for them. It is such a shame that he has created this situation for himself- and even more so that he doesn't realise that.0 -
Will he come roound and shout or shout on the phone? Phone os easy. Put it down. You owe him nothing at all. Just put the phone down.
If he comes round and shouts do not let him in, close the door, call the police if necessary.0 -
Well the last time, it was shouting outside my home and down the street as he walked away and then nasty texts...the texts are easy to ignore, the shouting at me from the street is not (and not for my neighbours either!)
I don't allow him over the front door threshold as he likes to have a go about things I may or may not have changed since he left.We made it! All three boys have graduated, it's been hard work but it shows there is a possibility of a chance of normal (ish) life after a diagnosis (or two) of ASD. It's not been the easiest route but I am so glad I ignored everything and everyone and did my own therapies with them.
Eldests' EDS diagnosis 4.5.10, mine 13.1.11 eekk - now having fun and games as a wheelchair user.0 -
Well the last time, it was shouting outside my home and down the street as he walked away and then nasty texts...the texts are easy to ignore, the shouting at me from the street is not (and not for my neighbours either!)
I don't allow him over the front door threshold as he likes to have a go about things I may or may not have changed since he left.
If your neighbours notice him shouting, then there is a good chance that they notice how infrequent his visits are too. In fact he is almost making sure of this if he makes a scene every time. Also, this is unlikely to make the boys think better of him - I expect they are quite protective of you?
I think you are amazing, and a good job too considering the support he has failed to give you all.0 -
[Well the last time, it was shouting outside my home and down the street as he walked away and then nasty texts...the texts are easy to ignore, the shouting at me from the street is not (and not for my neighbours either!)
I don't allow him over the front door threshold as he likes to have a go about things I may or may not have changed since he left.
I would warn him in advance i would be calling the police if he were to behave thus. And then i WOULD call if it happened. Can your brother be in the house when he is due?0 -
lostinrates wrote: »[
I would warn him in advance i would be calling the police if he were to behave thus. And then i WOULD call if it happened. Can your brother be in the house when he is due?
I think both these are great suggestions. There is no way any of you should have to put up with behaviour like this. And its more than ok to ask others for assistance.0 -
That maybe if you are registering to get married again ie divorce or death are acceptable proof that you are free to remarry.
Oh yes, I get that. I understand the legal position. I just feel that somebody whose much loved spouse died might not like to find that the need to provide a death certificate was stuck under a heading about proof of divorce. The heading should say "proof of freedom to remarry" or "proof of divorce, dissolution or death", rather than just "proof of divorce or dissolution".
But I did that - several times. Every time I clicked "submit", it put the {/quote}{quote} (but with square brackets, natch) back in for me where I'd just deleted them.Remove the [/ quote] from the end of the first quote and remove the [ quote] from the start of the second quote.
Welcome to confused.com :beer:I think both these are great suggestions. There is no way any of you should have to put up with behaviour like this. And its more than ok to ask others for assistance.
Agree with everything lir & Nikkster have said. You really shouldn't have to put up with that.Do you know anyone who's bereaved? Point them to https://www.AtaLoss.org which does for bereavement support what MSE does for financial services, providing links to support organisations relevant to the circumstances of the loss & the local area. (Link permitted by forum team)
Tyre performance in the wet deteriorates rapidly below about 3mm tread - change yours when they get dangerous, not just when they are nearly illegal (1.6mm).
Oh, and wear your seatbelt. My kids are only alive because they were wearing theirs when somebody else was driving in wet weather with worn tyres.
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Dh's summer hours start now. This is going to be the best summer we have had for our relationship for ages.
Less joyfully we are hoping we will have the option to have old horse's demise on a friday so dh can say good bye too.0 -
lostinrates wrote: »Dh's summer hours start now. This is going to be the best summer we have had for our relationship for ages.
Less joyfully we are hoping we will have the option to have old horse's demise on a friday so dh can say good bye too.
I have fond memories of meeting old horse when we came to see you. Say goodbye to her from my and my kids, and give her a stroke from us.
Yay for fir's summer hours. Hope you have a wonderful time.Do you know anyone who's bereaved? Point them to https://www.AtaLoss.org which does for bereavement support what MSE does for financial services, providing links to support organisations relevant to the circumstances of the loss & the local area. (Link permitted by forum team)
Tyre performance in the wet deteriorates rapidly below about 3mm tread - change yours when they get dangerous, not just when they are nearly illegal (1.6mm).
Oh, and wear your seatbelt. My kids are only alive because they were wearing theirs when somebody else was driving in wet weather with worn tyres.0
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