Am i just the meanest mother in the world?

Rosemary7391

That's about what I pay for a room in a shared house and bills - if anything less - and I live in a rather cheap area in a very small cheap room! So not at all unreasonable if she gets two rooms and anything extra.

amyloofoo

So she's 22, she's living in your home, which you've done up and allow her to bring clients into, you allowed her a rent-free grace period, she's earning, and she's only paying £50 a week? Can I move in with you please? :rotfl:

What you're charging is absolutely reasonable, if not a little on the low side. My mum used to charge me £40 a week when I was in college and had an evening job... She too challenged me to move out if I thought I could do better. So I did, at 17.... BIG MISTAKE lol! :eek:

She may whinge now, but believe me, when she does move out and realises that things like phones, internet, electricity, etc aren't magically supplied for free then she'll be thanking you

DylanO

I assume you've notified your insurance and mortgage companies that there's a business being run from your home? Also the council - especially as you're having clients visit it. If you haven't, I suggest you do it now.

As to whether you should charge her rent - that's really a personal decision - some parents do, others don't - there's no wrong answer. It depends on the child, their circumstances, your circumstances etc etc. The first question should be whether you can afford not to charge her rent, and then your motivation will depend on if you do and how much.

If her business is reasonably new, then it might be an idea to give her a longer grace period to build it up into a sustaining enterprise so she can afford to move out. She should be saving as much as possible for the lean times, as well as her tax payments for the next financial year. You have checked that she's probably registered, I hope?

It's very easy for people to say you should charge her, or you'll be ruining her or other such nonsense - the chances are that as she's an adult, it'll be too late to 'teach' her how to do things. That should have been done a long, long time ago. It's also easy for wealthier parents to say that you should never charge your child rent, but you may not be able to afford to support her completely, and so it's perfectly reasonable in that situation to charge the realistic costs.

Gingham_R

Seems reasonable that a working woman would contribute to the upkeep of the house she is living and working in. A very small amount indeed - I hope I would be so generous.

If I could afford to do without the money, I'd be tempted to ask for more and bung it in a savings account for when she moved out so she'd have some extra savings as a surprise.

If money was a little tight, I'd take the £50 and buy groceries with it.

And if money was more than a little tight, I'd ask for more of a contribution.

Summerstage

I guess it depends on your circumstances.

Does your household need more money from her? If so then she should be contributing more and/or assisting around the house.

I wonder how much money she is making, a new business takes time to get established and maybe if you are able to support her for longer it will pay off in the long run?

I imagine that as you are asking the question you may not feel she is respecting the arrangement as she should. I think it is great that you are able to support your Daughter in her business, however she also must appreciate what you are doing for her.

Good luck, let us know how it goes x

little_miss_spender

Whoever said did she have a tantrum for me to be asking this question well no, she didn't as it happens, living in the same house with her is one big tantrum every day!

I just woke up to the fact that I am being treated like a doormat, skivvy,rubbing rag, fool, idiot, and other names which are too numerous to mention, in my own home, and I can not understand how I allowed it to escalate to the point where I am writing on the forum for help about my own child, when in reality I have created the problem myself by being too soft, and not discussing things through with my husband from the start.

There were no ground rules and that is where we went wrong, and it is going to be so much harder now to try and implement some. When i think about it I could actually slap myself, for being such a push over. It was all a bit rushed when she moved back and she had just split with her boyfriend so I felt sorry for her, and wanted to give her a bit of a break. Bearing in mind we are struggling ourselves to keep our head above water and we had been thinking of either getting a lodger to pay rent of about £85 a week or sellling the house because it is too big now with just me and my husband and youngest daughter who is at college who contributes £20 a week.

So we didn't charge her rent for a good while, as she had credit card debts and wanted her to get rid of those first, which was ok until she decided that she was going to get a loan for £6,000 for a boob job etc.

My husband went nuts and said okay then if you can afford to pay £275 a month loan repayment then you can start paying rent. He went about it all the wrong way, instead of sitting her down and saying exactly the position we were in he basically just threw a random amount at her in temper, to which she agreed to, without any discussion.

When I found out I went crazy and asked him what he was thinking off, we hadnt even discussed an amount so this started the snowball rolling so to speak. We weren't together on this and we are still at loggerheads.

Because since then things have gone from bad to worse and I really cant tolerate much more of it, I find myself going out in the car just to get away from the stress she causes between everyone in the house. She doesnt clean the salon on a night when she has finished she does it when she feels like it and if I mention it she goes ballistic and tells me its none of my business.

The bathroom and toilet the clients are supposed to use is mostly filthy with towels on the floor which I end up cleaning because I cant stand the fact that the clients are coming into my home and thinking that it is me that is dirty. I do her washing and I did do her ironing but stopped because she never puts it away. When she cooks for herself she leaves all the mess for me to tidy up. She cant even put the pots into the dishwasher she puts them on the side above it which drives me crazy it is so bone idle.

Then to make matters worse she thinks it is okay to call her dad a !!!!!!--d, w-nk-r, knob,and to f off and p off, and when i say anything all i get is she is only messing about, joking. I am sorry but I dont think calling people foul names is amusing in the slightes, I think it is totally unacceptable and disrespectfull. My husband says nothing and I get accused of moaning, I just cant win. I dont know what to do anymore, I am so confused and angry.

dktreesea

That's our "entitlement" culture for you, isn't it! I'd like to say perhaps, since it isn't really working out, you should ask your DD to move out again, but you probably can't go with that option, because she is your daughter and Mums and Dads are "meant to be people you can depend on".

Ground rules only really work if the other party respects them. You're probably right on that score - it's too late to agree any rules, and a 22 year old isn't going to take kindly to them anyway.

She's probably still really upset about losing her job and old accommodation. She sounds demotivated. It must be horrible "having" to move back home because the alternative is to be homeless.

Is there a way you could compromise, for instance rent a chair for her at a local salon for instance, so she can work from a high street shop rather than from home?

amyloofoo

little_miss_spender wrote: »

Whoever said did she have a tantrum for me to be asking this question well no, she didn't as it happens, living in the same house with her is one big tantrum every day!

I just woke up to the fact that I am being treated like a doormat, skivvy,rubbing rag, fool, idiot, and other names which are too numerous to mention, in my own home, and I can not understand how I allowed it to escalate to the point where I am writing on the forum for help about my own child, when in reality I have created the problem myself by being too soft, and not discussing things through with my husband from the start.

There were no ground rules and that is where we went wrong, and it is going to be so much harder now to try and implement some. When i think about it I could actually slap myself, for being such a push over. It was all a bit rushed when she moved back and she had just split with her boyfriend so I felt sorry for her, and wanted to give her a bit of a break. Bearing in mind we are struggling ourselves to keep our head above water and we had been thinking of either getting a lodger to pay rent of about £85 a week or sellling the house because it is too big now with just me and my husband and youngest daughter who is at college who contributes £20 a week.

So we didn't charge her rent for a good while, as she had credit card debts and wanted her to get rid of those first, which was ok until she decided that she was going to get a loan for £6,000 for a boob job etc.

My husband went nuts and said okay then if you can afford to pay £275 a month loan repayment then you can start paying rent. He went about it all the wrong way, instead of sitting her down and saying exactly the position we were in he basically just threw a random amount at her in temper, to which she agreed to, without any discussion.

When I found out I went crazy and asked him what he was thinking off, we hadnt even discussed an amount so this started the snowball rolling so to speak. We weren't together on this and we are still at loggerheads.

Because since then things have gone from bad to worse and I really cant tolerate much more of it, I find myself going out in the car just to get away from the stress she causes between everyone in the house. She doesnt clean the salon on a night when she has finished she does it when she feels like it and if I mention it she goes ballistic and tells me its none of my business.

The bathroom and toilet the clients are supposed to use is mostly filthy with towels on the floor which I end up cleaning because I cant stand the fact that the clients are coming into my home and thinking that it is me that is dirty. I do her washing and I did do her ironing but stopped because she never puts it away. When she cooks for herself she leaves all the mess for me to tidy up. She cant even put the pots into the dishwasher she puts them on the side above it which drives me crazy it is so bone idle.

Then to make matters worse she thinks it is okay to call her dad a !!!!!!--d, w-nk-r, knob,and to f off and p off, and when i say anything all i get is she is only messing about, joking. I am sorry but I dont think calling people foul names is amusing in the slightes, I think it is totally unacceptable and disrespectfull. My husband says nothing and I get accused of moaning, I just cant win. I dont know what to do anymore, I am so confused and angry.

:eek: I feel so sorry for you and your husband to be in this position. It must be so difficult to feel that you're being taken for a ride by your own daughter (before anyone points it out, I know I've been having a similar situation with my sister and her boyfriend, but it's not this bad and the details are very different). She's 22 years old so she knows how she's treating you and talking to her dad is completely unacceptable. I know it's difficult but you really need to get this sorted and present a united front between yourself and your OH in a calm-but-firm way, otherwise her behaviour is going to start having a serious impact on your relationship.

I think it's probably time to sit her down, explain the financial siutaion, and that you had been considering getting a lodger or selling the house, then give her the following options:
1. She pays the £85 a week a lodger would pay, and treats your home and family with the same respect that you would expect from a lodger - or she can expect to be asked to leave in exactly the same way that you would ask a stranger who was so rude and disrespectful. If she's paying the same rate as a lodger then how she treats 'her' space (within reason) is fine, but all communal areas need to be kept clean.
2. She leaves and discovers for herself how well or badly she's been treated in your home.

Do you know why (from their side, rather than your daughter's) she was asked to leave her old job / house? Is it possible that she was behaving this way to her previous employers too? If so then she may well find it difficult to find a new position if she is forced to give up her freelancing from your house, but you shouldn't let this deter you from asking her to leave if you and your OH agree that this is best; she has to learn to be respectful of others at some point and at least at 22 she should be able to improve her attitude without her previous conduct making too much of a negative impact on her future employability.

On a slightly different note, if she is bringing clients into your house then are you correctly insured for this (most insurers will void your insurance if they discover the premises have been used for business purposes), is she properly registered for tax and does she have the proper health and safety permits (not sure which other treatments she's offering, but some require premises inspections, etc). If this hasn't been done correctly you could find that there's a large bill to be paid sooner or later. If you have changed your insurance, etc then who is paying for this?

You have another daughter who is paying £20 a week whilst at college - how does she feel about having her sister living back at home and causing tension? It sound like your older daughter is behaving very selfishly towards you and your OH, but maybe you could emphasise to her that she is also having an impact on her sister and her studying? I'm sure it can't be easy to be studying in an environment that's as tense as you describe.

Don't even get me started on her idea of taking out a loan for cosmetic surgery whilst still living (and working) under your roof and contributing next to nothing :mad: , I'm angry on your behalf lol.

I understand how frustrated your OH must have been when he made his ultimatum, but I'm sure he understands now how important it is that you come up with a co-ordinated plan together which you can then present to her - rather than letting events dictate your response and saying something you later regret. I hope this situation resolves for you soon :grouphug:

Emmzi

Draw up a formal lodger agreement.

Make it include a daily cleaner for the business premises and the cost of business insurance.

When she refuses to sign/pay etc, give her a new suitcase.

Tough love, or she is going to go through life trying and failing to take people for a ride. It'll hurt like hell, but it's time.

harrys_nan

I'm sorry but she is an adult now and should take responsiblity for her self. If she doesnt clear up after herself, withdraw the" loan" of the salon. I suggest you sit her down with ur hubby and tell her straight "it's your house and your rules, you need to nip this in the bud now or who knows what will happen to your marriage and also is it fair to your other daughter?
Hugs for you and hubby