Daughter not trying hard enough at school

Tish_P

She sounds like she hasn't really found her calling yet. Not that she needs to commit to one perfect career right now, of course, but it sounds like she's not enthusiastic about any of her subjects or (what she sees as) career options. So what does get her fired up? What does she read about? What does she get absorbed in? She's suggested a career in cooking - does she cook for fun, or love trying new recipes, want to take over meal planning for the household? There are cookery workshops you can buy teens as presents. Or - cheaper - you could delegate the cooking to her for one day a week and make a gourmet occasion of it.

And does she have any other hobbies that will help her build her skills and confidence? If she's scared of public speaking, a choir or amateur dramatics society will teach her breathing skills, voice skills and how to deal with stagefright. (You could even buy her a session with a voice coach if the budget will stretch to it - a good one can do wonders.)

thehappybutterfly

Baking's more her thing really. Celebratory cake decorating. I think Home Ec teacher was something she's thought about but not really thought about iyswim? Because there's also the practical side of Home Ec - sewing, art and crafts, that sort of thing which she's not into. She's clearly not thought this through. However, this cake decoration thing came up ages ago so we picked her Standard Grade subjects around it - I suggested Art and Design for the obvious reasons and also Business Management as she mentioned having her own cake decor business. Clearly she needed some sort of kitchen related subject too and Hospitality was the closest thing.

If that's what she really wants to do, she needs to focus on it and get a game plan. It's hard on kids - being expected to know what you want to do with the rest of your life. Unless you have a life long dream to become a fighter pilot or actress etc, does anyone really know what they want to do at that age? I certainly didn't want to be a PA when I was at school! I wanted to be a dentist!!!

I think I'll scout around and see if I can find evening/weekend classes in cake decoration/baking - I'd have to go too but I need all the help I can get in that department!

tescobabe69

Idiophreak wrote: »

You could always try shock treatment...just put Jeremy Kyle on and say "this could be you..."

DONT do that, or introduce her to the benefit boards on here, she may never work, on the other hand you could have some nice grandchildren.

marisco_2

thehappybutterfly wrote: »

I've told her repeatedly that her teachers will soon lose patience with that attitude and she wouldn't get away with that behaviour in the workplace.

I am not going to criticise you at all. You sound like a good mum to me who just happens to be struggling as their kid goes through the good ole teenage years. Show me a parent who hasn't.

What I have quoted from you above is very true. However saying that to a girl of 15 will most likely go in one ear and out the other.

Try tackling this from a different angle. Find out from her what she would like to do when she leaves school. Then contact a local college and get hold of information on the courses that are available to help her work towards achieving any dreams she has. Get her interested in what she could be doing in just a couple of years from now. Most importantly find out what qualifications and grades she will need to get on those courses.

Treating her like a young woman, on the brink of starting out in life and moving on from 'school', may help her focus better. It worked a treat on me, much to my parents relief, when I was a similar age.

summerday

Sounds like you're a great mum who really cares, don't blame yourself. Teenagers are a law unto themselves, and yours could be a lot worse!

I agree with the other poster who suggested rewards/goal setting. It may sound like bribery, but could you offer rewards for future reports showing excellent effort (emphasis on effort rather than actual grades to avoid stress of feeling she has to get perfect grades). Having something to work towards/ be rewarded for can be very worthwhile.

Point out that doing well at school and passing her GCSEs is like buying more choices and opportunities for the future, and will let her change her mind about careers if she wants and not be limited by poor GCSEs. If she says she can retake any failed GCSEs, remind her that will just mean even more work and pressure later on when she is wanting to focus on whatever course she has moved on to.

Emphasise that it will feel like a lot of faff and hard work now, but people rarely regret working hard and succeeding at school, but many do regret failing their GCSEs and being limited as to what they can do. It also may affect how future employers perceive her -may think she is a lazy person etc, and it could make the difference between her and an equally talented, pleasant person getting her dream job.

jackie_w

OP I know exactly what you are going through.

My DS is exactly the same. We are also in Scotland, and he has just sat his 3rd year exams. Every day we would ask him how they went, he was say great they were really easy. So... We were expecting a good report.......it didn't happen.

His report was good as in he is a pleasant boy, polite etc, but all his teachers say the same thing.... He could do better, he needs to improve. He even thought the report was good!!!!!!

The past year or so my husband and I did take a step back. we spoke to him told him how hard it is in the big bad world, that he NEEDS to work hard to get anywhere in life. it hasn't made any difference, I've had aunts, uncles etc speak to him, again makes no difference at all.

I'm too at the end of my tether, because I just don't know what to do with him. he makes out he tries, but, he really doesn't. he doesn't study and I've recently found out he doesn't do all his homework either, or he puts in a half hearted attempt.

no wonder I have grey hair:o

Savvy_Sue

Sambucus_Nigra wrote: »

Sometimes you have to spell these things out to teenagers - the thought probably hasn't crossed her mind that she will have to stand up in front of a class to teach!

And I'd missed the 'not touching certain foods' bit as well! But yes, you do need to spell these things out, in words of one syllable. Possibly several times, as it does go in one ear and out the other ...

Becles wrote: »

If you've got time, it's worth sitting down and explaining all of this to them as I don't think they understand how important the GCSE's are and how it will impact on their working life.

I told mine that their GCSE results would only matter for a very short period of their lives, but in that short period they would matter a very great deal! Especially the youngest, who was on course to fail English. :mad: We had various 'jobs you could end up doing if you fail your GCSEs', and I'm not sure if 're-arranging the underwear displays in Primark' was better or worse than 'working in a Christmas shop with carols playing all day'.

To be fair, I think school got through to DS3 better than I was managing. When THEY said that if he failed his English, they'd make him resit at Christmas in Year 12, and if he failed again they'd ask him to leave, he realised that one way or another he had to get that grade!

Idiophreak wrote: »

It just seems like she hasn't really thought through what she wants to do in life - and without that, it's hard to explain the importance of school to her....

Which is, to be fair, quite normal at this age!

InaPickle

Hi happybutterfly!

You sound like you are trying really hard.

I don't know what things are like now, but when I was at school, people who were a bit naughty and didn't do their homework had to go 'on report'. This meant that they had to carry a piece of card with them every week and get it signed in class by every teacher to prove that they had been in school, and most importantly, have their homework written on it and get it signed by their parents every evening once they their parents had seen it, and seen the completed homework. Perhaps when you are speaking to the school you could see if they have a similar scheme that could be put in place temporarily until DD pulls her socks up.

Also, GCSE grades can affect university applications, and in subjects that don't seem related sometimes. I remember a friend applying to do a degree in psychology, who had an A at 'A' level psychology and great grades in all her other subjects too, but she struggled getting on a course as she only had a C at GCSE maths and the course wanted a minimum of a B as they did a lot of number crunching as part of the course (statistical analysis).

Whatever you decide to do, make sure you are firm and stick with it, but consider getting the school on board in the short term as she may think she can get away with not doing stuff like homework at home as the left hand doesn't know what the right hand is doing!

(And with that, I skulk off to do my homework, which I am struggling to find motivation to do!)

teafiend

I'm a teacher and I've come across so many teenagers like this. Without knowing your DD at all, I'd guess she's probably scared by the idea of growing up and having to choose a career because she can't think of anything that she actually wants to do, and it worried that she won't be any good at anything. That's pretty typical for most teenagers!

Lots of teenagers really turn a corner when they get a part-time job. I'm guessing she's too young for a Saturday job in the catering industry, but so many teenagers find it incredibly motivating to have a bit of a job. The money is a great incentive at first... and then after a bit they realise that they couldn't have the lifestyle they wanted if they earnt that money full-time, which seems to motivate them into studying.

Could you help her sort out some work experience in catering situations? Maybe waitressing or food prep in a cafe? Fast food joint? Or going into primary schools and helping little ones with cooking? That might not be possible without the school's agreement as she'd be missing her own school time, but you might be able to find her some Brownies/Cubs or something similar where she could help out. It might help her work out something more specific as a career goal, and then that would hopefully increase her sense of self-worth and improve her motivation for studying if she's got achievements to aim for.

Regarding the public-speaking thing, I used to be petrified of speaking in public (and am still bothered about speaking at staff meetings and such-like), but speaking to a class is quite different. Must be the control-freak in me ;o)

lessonlearned

teafiend wrote: »

Lots of teenagers really turn a corner when they get a part-time job. I'm guessing she's too young for a Saturday job in the catering industry, but so many teenagers find it incredibly motivating to have a bit of a job. The money is a great incentive at first... and then after a bit they realise that they couldn't have the lifestyle they wanted if they earnt that money full-time, which seems to motivate them into studying.

)

I agree with this - it really helped my two to see the wood for the trees, especially as they were dead end jobs. One worked in a supermarket, the other doing bar work. It also helped that they worked in rather rough areas, compared with the pleasant leafy suburbia they were bought up in. It opened their eyes.

They both commented that they didn't want to end up like their customers.

You sound like a great mum - your teenager sounds pretty normal.

I think for the sake of your sanity you have to remember the old proverb "You can take a horse to water but you can't make it drink".

I think it also pays to remember that not everyone is a natural academic and that children develop and grow at different rates.

Some 15 year olds have their heads screwed on and know exactly what they want whereas some drift along until they finally get their Eureka moment.

As a matter of interest I personally know several multi-millionaires. Not one of them has a GCSE to their name let alone A levels or degrees. One of them was quite the "failure" at school, always in trouble, playing truant. They are all respectable self made businessmen, their money earned legitimately and honestly.

Just goes to show - you never can tell.;)