Daughter not trying hard enough at school

thehappybutterfly

I need some advice from parents. My DD (15 in a couple of weeks) is just not pulling her weight at school. She recently sat her third year exams and we've just received her report card. And it's not great. Her teachers all say she's a "lovely young lady" who's popular and a pleasure to have in class but she's spending too much time "chatting and socialising". She's not revising, doing any homework, finishing tasks, handing in essays etc.

She wants to do something with cooking, possibly train as a Home Ec teacher, so she's taking Hospitality (which is just cooking). However, she's started refusing to use certain ingredients as she doesn't like them or kicking up a fuss if she has to touch meat (and she's most definitely not vegetarian so that's not an excuse) - she's just being awkward and cheeky. I've told her repeatedly that her teachers will soon lose patience with that attitude and she wouldn't get away with that behaviour in the workplace.

I've not got a lot of experience to draw on as I had a terrible relationship with my dad and step mum - I was effectively ignored and they never took any interest in how I was doing at school (except when I was doing badly - oh boy, then my dad would finally sit up and take notice). I really don't want to repeat the same patterns but I see it happening. Every time report card time comes round, I make the decision to get more involved then it peters out. It's not that I don't care - I really do. I guess my main concern was always "as long as she's happy at school, not getting bullied etc." My school days were the saddest days of my life due to the bullies, lack of friends and lack of support at home. I thought if she had good friends and lots of love and support at home, the rest would take care of itself.

I just don't know what to do. I got her a tutor for a few weeks but she wouldn't do the work he was setting for her so I cancelled it. I always ask her how her day was, what she cooked today, if she needs a help with her homework etc. I just get the usual "fine" "I didn't get any homework" - what am I supposed to do?

I'm at the end of my tether and feel like a total failure as a parent.

I'm open to suggestions but please try not to criticise my parenting skills - I feel bad enough as it is :sad:

nickj_2

there's only one person who can solve the problem and that is your daughter , all you can do is offer your support without sounding like you're nagging , but it could be a hard , but important lesson to learn if she fails , if you want anything these days you have to put in the time and effort which will lead to success , she is old enough to realise that she needs to get stuck in if she wants to get on in life
do not feel a failure, you sound like caring parent , at the end of the day there's only so much you can do ,you cannot take the exams for her . have you talked about restricting access to facebook etc ? come to a compromise

Savvy_Sue

Pick your battles. Let the school deal with the refusal to handle certain ingredients. And get a list from school of what can be done if (if!) there is no homework. So when she says "I don't have any homework", it's a case of "OK then DD, school says you can do x, y or z, where shall we start?"

And you're not a total failure as a parent. A total failure wouldn't care, or wouldn't notice. You just have a teenager.

She does know, btw, what qualifications she'd need to teach? teach anything?

Gingham_R

Hiya

She sounds a lot like I was at school. Has she always had trouble finishing tasks/getting things done/studying etc? Has she always talked too much in class?

What do you think stopped her from getting the work done that was set by the tutor? Did she understand it? Did she find it hard to start? Did she begin to do it and get side tracked?

Re the food - what looks like cheek may be something else. If you ask, she may explain what the issue is.

This doesn't sound like a parenting issue at all. You sound like you're doing a great job.

Could just be teen stuff, it could be that she's struggling to do the things that are expected of her and the root cause hasn't been unearthed yet.

beautiful_ravens

Interested to see advice on this as I have a feeling my eldest is a bit this way inclined, too. That said I have no advice, and kind of feel that aside from restricting TV and computer time and making study areas and whatnot, you cant do the work for them or live their lives for them...?

lika_86

School can be a massive turn off and distraction. If she's shown an interest in cooking, can you try and nurture that outside of school in the hope that it spurs her on to trying to at least do well enough to get the minimum grades she'll need to do what she wants. Could you do a mini-day cookery course with her? Somewhere like Bettys or something where you could do pastry or something else themed that they might not do in school which might spur her on.

SUESMITH_2

she will need gcses in english and maths to teach.

you're not a failure, all you can do is be there like others have said let the school do battle about homework etc. maybe give them a ring and ask to speak to her form tutor or head of year. at least they then know that you're supportive of them.

nearlyrich

Education is wasted on the young, how many of us wish we had tried a bit harder at school? Sadly once the "best years of your life" are over it's a lot harder to get qualifications and get the job you really want. Time for a sit down chat about how hard life is when you have nothing in the way of qualifications no shouting or crying from mum just a bit of "darling it is such a shame you won't get your head down and do the work, what are you going to do with no GCSE's?" Pity she is a bit young for a taste of a mind numbing job for the summer a taste of what could be might do the trick.

thehappybutterfly

Thanks for your replies guys. It's so hard being a parent especially to a teenage girl. Her older brother was never this much of a worry :cool:

She's in her room crying just now as her dad had a bit of a go at her and she always gets upset when he tells her off as it's a rarity. She's said herself that she thinks I'm too soft on her so I guess I just need to toughen up. I'm just worried that she'll end up hating me the way I hated my parents but I know this is unlikely. We get on really well, both children spend a lot of time with us - not hiding away in their bedrooms the way me and my siblings did.

She's a good wee girl. OK, she's not doing great at school but she's not taking drugs, smoking or beating up old ladies. For that I'm grateful. Like Savvy Sue suggested, I should pick my battles. I've got a good dialog going with her Guidance teacher - I think once I've had a chat with DD, I'll arrange a meeting at the school.

Re her tutor. I think the reason this failed was because she's crapping herself about the talk/presentation she's to give in English class. She's got a real phobia about public speaking (just like her mum!) and every time the subject comes up, i.e. giving her advice on how to structure her talk etc. she just shut down. She was truanting this class for weeks before I was advised and that was the reason. I've suggested I write a letter to the school asking if she can give her talk just in front of one or two classmates and the teacher but her Guidance teacher doesn't seem to think is feasible. Maybe all this worry is having a knock-on effect on the rest of her schoolwork?

Mupette

Welcome to the wonderful world of being a parent to a teenager.

They know more than us, we of course no nothing.

Don't even blame yourself, it's a teen thing, you care..

jayII

One of mine was like that for a while. I did a bit of research about possible future courses and careers, then made them sit down with me and to look at some of the possibilities out there, what grades they would need (for example, grade C at GCSE English and maths is a basic requirement for almost every college course, uni courses need so many points at A level, and so on). If she's expecting to get a job or training place, maybe look at some adverts for jobs or apprenticeships in catering. The person specifications might make her stop and rethink her attitude!

I agree that it's important to pick your battles and to let the school deal with their bit. I also think it's important to give clear messages, and tell her calmly but firmly when you think she's behaving badly. I wouldn't argue about it, just state that 'XYZ' that she said or did, was rude and not acceptable. Then move on to something else (unless she wants to discuss whatever you said in a calm manner). I think people too often tiptoe around issues with teenagers, leaving the teen in a moral no-man's land. Even when they appear to take no notice, calm, clear words from a parent do usually sink in at some point.