Daughter not trying hard enough at school

Caroline_a

I used to tell my girls that if they didn't do their homework it wasn't me that got into trouble. I felt that the responsibility had to be theirs to do it, rather than mine to push - I had very pushy parents and to be honest when they sent me to my room 'to do my homework', I tended to just sit and daydream!

My girls all have done very well because they've done it for themselves, not for me. My advice to you OP would be to spend one evening where you sit down over a cup of coffee with DD and tell her the pros and cons of doing well at school. Try not to get emotional, just use fact. Then tell her that it's her choice - a career, or not. Then let her make her own decision - you cannot do her exams for her, so now is the time to allow her to step up to the mark... If she wants it enough... and if not, then she'll have to make other choices.

thehappybutterfly

ohhh, you've all made me feel so much better - thank you.

Lots of brilliant advice here - I'll have a proper read through tomorrow and take some notes (see DD, that's how you revise!!! You take notes!) and spend some serious time with her tomorrow night. And I don't know why I'm worrying about our relationship - she asked to join the gym with me! Of course she loves me.

I'm away to give her a bit of a cuddle before I head to bed (before taking her phone off her!).

mountainofdebt

The thing that I found was that you have to be consistant and keep to your promises but - at the same time - you have to be reasonable .....even if at the moment you feel like banning all tv , computer games etc until she graduates.

When I had my wake up call with Junior, I told him that I would be ringing the school every friday to check on his progress for the previous week because if he was going to act like a child then I was going to treat him like one.

We did have words about it - I had gone to the school and seen his teacher / head of year without him knowing and let them tell him that I had been there........but as I said to him if he thought I was going to watch him blindly walk off the edge of a cliff he was sadly mistaken.

It did work for him and even the teachers were surprised as to how quickly he turned himself around.

tbh (and this is not a critisicm honestly) but wanting to do something with cookery sounds all abit too vague. whilst i appreciate that she is still young would it not help her if she had a specific career in mind?

Lara44

The other posters have given some great advice, especially about inspiring your DD to work hard for herself. But it maybe you've set your expectations for her a bit low? It's not about being a pushy parent, but to get any kind of job you have to be able to finish a task. I think you should get a homework diary system where she has to show you her competed homework each night. It could be just for a short time, but it might help motivate her to get finished! It's disrespectful to your DD teachers that she just doesn't bother with bits of her homework - you should definitely keep a bit more of an eye on what she's doing.

Gillyx

Double reply. Other reply below.

Gillyx

Crap just wrote a whole reply out and it disappeared.

I was your daughter, clever but couldn't be bothered. No matter what my parents told me it went in one ear and out the other.

I assume you're in Scotland from what you're saying. The majority of my friends are teachers both secondary and primary. The competition for the courses is very high and most expect B or more at Higher level in Maths & English just to get in. They also expect for teaching, loads of extra curricular activities and time spent with children.

Making sure she does her homework is something you can try and control but if she doesn't tell you she has any, short of phoning the school to ask, you're not going to know.

I think at this stage, the best way to get through to your daughter is to ask what she wants in life, does she want to have a nice house, learn to drive, does she want to be a home economics teacher, and if she does, those things take work, from now.

I think with me I always thought, "there's time" until it was too late. I was someone who scraped into uni without really trying, but once I got there I really struggled as I couldn't get by doing the bare minimum.

Paying for a tutor will only work if your daughter is struggling with a particular subject, if its laziness that's the problem a tutor won't solve that. The school I went to the teachers provided extra classes during lunch and after school for extra advice or help with anything they'd covered in class, and those who didn't were always happy to help if you had any questions outwith class time. Maybe you could find out about that, may save you some money.

I hope you can sort something out, it's a difficult time for both of you. x

Loanranger

How about a reward system? She gets X or Y if she does A + B.
You could draw up a chart for the kitchen wall where it's on public display to the rest of the family and think up suitable rewards for her achieving certain goals. Yes, I know but if she hasn't yet learnt how to motivate herself yet then a bit of the carrot treatment might help to get her going.

I was 22 when I had my lightbulb moment and realised I needed to knuckle down and work hard. I wasted most of my time at school and the best motivator is for her to have her lightbulb moment but helping her look up entry qualifications for teaching or hotel management etc will be a shove in the right direction. What does she like?... New clothes, beach holidays, going to gigs... ? Try to build these into your discussions about what she can do with her life if she studies hard and passes her exams.

Loanranger

GillyX , both your posts are there.

Summerstage

Teenagers huh...I was one myself and sound a lot like your DD.

I think it's great you are asking for support, you sound like a great Parent.

Is there anyone else who can have a chat with her? Someone she respects who is doing well in life through putting the effort in?

Maybe a cousin, aunt or uncle, or a neighbour who was in a similar situation at school, but who "knuckled down"? Someone who she respects other than Parents (hey I never listened to my Parents, even though looking back they were the best in the world).

A bit of goal setting would help focus her mind...what does she want for the future??..driving lessons, a car, nice clothes, holidays etc...are there people she knows who have these things and those who have no hope of ever having them. Can she pick out what the difference is in these people??

Good luck...continue to be "there" for her, really listen as I am sure you are and I am sure things will be Ok xx

Gillyx

Loanranger wrote: »

GillyX , both your posts are there.

I know, not sure what happened probably my fat fingers pressing buttons I don't mean to. All sorted now