what is your opinion ?

marisco_2

You raise some really good points GG. I very much hope that the dad is playing the subtle waiting game, keeping access open to the kids and keeping a very close eye on things.

I would trust the dads judgement more if he weren't telling his wife to not mention it all again for fear of causing trouble and to see it all as the norm.

What bothers me greatly is these are toddlers. They may not have the vocabulary to express to their dad what is being said or how they are being treated. It leaves them incredibly vulnerable.

GobbledyGook

Dad could be worried about the impact that the ex finding out it was the new wife who expressed the concerns first could have on an already volatile situation.

Also it can't be easy knowing that a) your ex isn't treating your kids right and b) your wife doesn't think you are dealing with that strongly enough.

In many ways it may be to Dad's extreme credit that he hasn't gone round there with a long list of demands that could have completely antagonised the ex wife into ignoring everything on the basis that he is being unreasonable. He has asked her reasonably to stop the shouting at the children. If any further steps ever need to be taken he can never be accused of acting unfairly or irrationally. He also hasn't competely alienated the ex so hopefully if the situation is being cause because she's not coping she won't feel that she cannot turn to him.

maybebaybe

marisco wrote: »

You raise some really good points GG. I very much hope that the dad is playing the subtle waiting game, keeping access open to the kids and keeping a very close eye on things.

I would trust the dads judgement more if he weren't telling his wife to not mention it all again for fear of causing trouble and to see it all as the norm.

What bothers me greatly is these are toddlers. They may not have the vocabulary to express to their dad what is being said or how they are being treated. It leaves them incredibly vulnerable.

Yes the child in question cannot even speak properly yet, just the odd word, mum, dad etc, so no way to communicate to dad any sadness etc, and as my sister said its the fact that her hubby got angry with her instead of dealing with the childrens mother.

maybebaybe

GobbledyGook wrote: »

Dad could be worried about the impact that the ex finding out it was the new wife who expressed the concerns first could have on an already volatile situation.

Also it can't be easy knowing that a) your ex isn't treating your kids right and b) your wife doesn't think you are dealing with that strongly enough.

In many ways it may be to Dad's extreme credit that he hasn't gone round there with a long list of demands that could have completely antagonised the ex wife into ignoring everything on the basis that he is being unreasonable. He has asked her reasonably to stop the shouting at the children. If any further steps ever need to be taken he can never be accused of acting unfairly or irrationally. He also hasn't competely alienated the ex so hopefully if the situation is being cause because she's not coping she won't feel that she cannot turn to him.

Hi Gobbledygook, you make some valid points in your couple of posts in fact I spoke to sis last night and mentioned a couple of your points to her,

she said that he said his ex didn't get annoyed apparently she just said that all parents shout at their kids when they are naughty, and I would agree with this I myself on the very rare occasion have raised my voice to my child, made me feel very guilty and sad afterwards.

But never once have I told my child to f*** off and called them bad names and neither has my sister and she knows full well that if she did this her hubby would be so angry with her. As she would be with him if he did it.

personally I agree that he could be playing the waiting game but my sister said the children do get a lot of bruises also, but as she said herself she has never mentioned this to anyone just thought to herself kids will be kids and she knows full well her child is often falling over and hurting themselves, in fact she calls her child an accident waiting to happen.

But as she said to me, now she knows this she said that she is going to be worried about any little mark that she see's is out of the ordinary, but as she said even if she saw something, what could she do because she knows that she is not allowed to say anything and thinks her hubby will just say that she is looking for problems.

She just feels so helpless.

GobbledyGook

I can understand your sister feeling frustrated, but tbh Mum has to be given a chance. Dad has made his point and she's now aware he's watching the situation.

You have to strike a balance with kids - protect them from things they need protecting from, but not over-react too early. In this thread you've gone from Mum shouting at them to the kids being covered in bruises and the insinuations that brings. Shouting and swearing at them is one thing - beating them is another. If it is physical violence your sister is worried about then you have to be very clever. Do not alienate the mother or the children as then you have no way of keeping an eye and getting proof.

Your sister can report the situation to social services herself if she's particularly worried that her husband isn't taking it seriously enough.

I'll say this though - when my parents were awful my grandparents who were clever and only ever made small comments, but not a big deal were the ones who were able to step in when we really needed it. The Aunty who basically accused them of neglecting and battering us in public never seen us again. When my mother said "she accused me of beating my child" not one single person disagreed with her decision to stop the Aunt seeing us because, at that point, there was no proof of anything.

maybebaybe

apparently this situation has gone from bad to worse, his eldest daughter aged 9 has now asked if she can live with her dad and my sister because of her mums's constant abuse verbally at her.

Sad thing is my bil is basically ignoring it now and my sister is beside herself with worry for the kids and does not know what to do. He said no that his dd could not live with him and also apparently tried to justify his ex's behaviour to his dd by telling her maybe she should do as she's told more.

He has so far said to my sister that he dosnt want to speak about it any further and has not spoken to his ex.

Tbh I have just listened to my sister as the last time I gave her advice it didn't go too well, but as I had posted about this before I thought would come on here and see if anyone had any advice.

I do know what I want to tell her, but for now I will keep my opinions to myself.

coinxoperated

One of my ex 'friends' used to swear infront of her 5 year old all the time. If the 5 year old repeated a word, she would be put on the naughty step!!

I only found this out as she was sat on my lap with yoghurt on her face. I said 'your such a mucky pup!!' and she said 'yeah, it does my f*****g head in ' I was like :eek: As I didn't know what to do! They instantly told her off, but she got it from somewhere!!!

Practice what you preach or get what you deserve!

maybebaybe

sadly this is a bit more than swearing in front of kids, her mum is verbually abusing her regularly, telling her to f*** off and calling her an f***ing this and that all whilst screaming and shouting at her and her younger brother all the time.

she is very unhappy and does not want to live there anymore.

emweaver

Those poor childre, their mum abusing them and their dad turning his back on them when they need him the most. What sort of father would turn a blind eye to this and refuse to allow his child to live with him after shes pleaded with him to live there!

If the mother and the father aren't prepared to put the children first someone needs to I would ring social services before something really bad happens to them. Also makes me wonder if I would want such a man around my niece / nephew if he is prepared to allow children to be abused.

marisco_2

maybebaybe wrote: »

sadly this is a bit more than swearing in front of kids, her mum is verbually abusing her regularly, telling her to f*** off and calling her an f***ing this and that all whilst screaming and shouting at her and her younger brother all the time.

she is very unhappy and does not want to live there anymore.

Emotional abuse of children is taken extremely seriously and should be reported as a matter of urgency. It can do equal amounts of damage as physical abuse and will completely mess up a childs social and emotional development for years to come. This will effect how they fit into and cope with school. They are approaching vital years of learning and should not be suffering in this way.

Please pardon the pun, because I do not wish to write anything that undermines the severity of this situation, but this mum is quite clearly screaming out for help if she sees fit to treat to young children in this manner. She is not coping raising them on her own.

Is your sisters husband aware of how much trouble he could be in if this scenario happened;- Imagine the 9 year old breaks down at school, confides in a teacher what mummy has been doing to her and her younger brother. Then she discloses how daddy reacted to her asking for his help. That he refuses to discuss this with her mum, does not wish to remove the children from such suffering and just suggested she started behaving. The school would have to involve social services. It is not only the mum who would be facing very serious questioning. I am flabbergasted at this mans 'head in the sand and do nothing' approach to his children being treated like this. It is disgusting.