what is your opinion ?

maybebaybe

Apparently she said would stop shouting at them, but no apparently by not rocking the boat he meant that she would stop him seeing the kids ( at least thats what he said ) because he said thats the kind of person she is and then he would have to go through courts and stuff and didnt want this !!

I'm not sure what you think but both my sister and I think that this is him putting his needs over the welfare and what is best for his kids.

she hasn't said that to him because she didn't want to rock her own boat so to speak.

marisco_2

This does need to be addressed. The childrens' welfare is paramount. Living with a parent who is verbally abusive is a living hell, I know because I have lived it. It is scary and very damaging. You lose a huge sense of self worth. It can be isolating because you stop asking your mum if your friends can come over. You worry that she will humiliate you and talk badly to you or your friends. Your social circles diminish because you dont mix freely with your peers. It has long lasting effects.

I think your bil is probably in a state of panic. The thought of being denied access to, lets face it, young children who are vulnerable must fill him with dread. He probably knows the ex inside out, and thinks that by raising the issues he has over the way the children are being raised, will escalate an already very volatile situation.

By doing nothing about it though, effectively the emotional abuse of two children will continue. He is an adult with parental responsibility and should not sit back and let this continue, even if that means the ex getting nasty and trying to block his access.

If I were in your bils position I would have to bite the bullet and raise every concern I have about the childrens welfare with the ex. If the ex refuses to acknowledge his concerns and agree a way forward and he found out it was continuing he should contact social services. You cannot mess about and pus$y foot around someone who sees fit to bully children.

maybebaybe

marisco wrote: »

This does need to be addressed. The childrens' welfare is paramount. Living with a parent who is verbally abusive is a living hell, I know because I have lived it. It is scary and very damaging. You lose a huge sense of self worth. It can be isolating because you stop asking your mum if your friends can come over. You worry that she will humiliate you and talk badly to you or your friends. Your social circles diminish because you dont mix freely with your peers. It has long lasting effects.

I think your bil is probably in a state of panic. The thought of being denied access to, lets face it, young children who are vulnerable must fill him with dread. He probably knows the ex inside out, and thinks that by raising the issues he has over the way the children are being raised, will escalate an already very volatile situation.

By doing nothing about it though, effectively the emotional abuse of two children will continue. He is an adult with parental responsibility and should not sit back and let this continue, even if that means the ex getting nasty and trying to block his access.

If I were in your bils position I would have to bite the bullet and raise every concern I have about the childrens welfare with the ex. If the ex refuses to acknowledge his concerns and agree a way forward and he found out it was continuing he should contact social services. You cannot mess around and pus$y foot about someone who sees fit to bully children.

These are our feelings exactly !!

marisco_2

I feel very upset for you because I know exactly what those children are suffering. God forbid that the children are aware at any level that their dad knows what is going on, but is to scared of their mum to prevent it happening. That knowledge would cripple them as they get older and become more socially aware.

Abuse of any kind is all about power. If an abusive personality feels they have one over on someone and cant be touched the abuse escalates, always.

Ask yourself this, if you were one of those kids what would you want any adult that knew what was going on, to do to help you?

maybebaybe

marisco wrote: »

I feel very upset for you because I know exactly what those children are suffering. God forbid that the children are aware at any level that their dad knows what is going on, but is to scared of their mum to prevent it happening. That knowledge would cripple them as they get older and become more socially aware.

Abuse of any kind is all about power. If an abusive personality feels they have one over on someone and cant be touched the abuse escalates, always.

Ask yourself this, if you were one of those kids what would you want any adult that knew what was going on, to do to help you?

Couldnt agree more, this is why my sister is so upset because she cannot be seen to be doing or saying anything as she knows full well it would be seen as interfering and as her oh put it, trying to cause trouble, when all she wants to do is protect the children.

She feels angry, and helpless but also does not want to upset her husband anymore either !!

marisco_2

maybebaybe wrote: »

this is why my sister is so upset because she cannot be seen to be doing or saying anything as she knows full well it would be seen as interfering and as her oh put it, trying to cause trouble, when all she wants to do is protect the children.

This is the crux of it isn't it. She is being told to keep her mouth shut over a potential child protection issue. So far she has gone along with this, against her own better judgement, so as not to anger her husband and rock the boat in her own relationship. I would struggle to respect someone who asked that of me and it would effect how I viewed them. That in itself would make waves in a relationship for me.

maybebaybe

marisco wrote: »

This is the crux of it isn't it. She is being told to keep her mouth shut over a potential child protection issue. So far she has gone along with this, against her own better judgement, so as not to anger her husband and rock the boat in her own relationship. I would struggle to respect someone who asked that of me and it would effect how I viewed them. That in itself would make waves in a relationship for me.

Yes this is exactly it. She just feels so helpless.

marisco_2

maybebaybe wrote: »

she didn't know how to approach brother in law about it as she was scared how he would react.

he then got angry with my sister and said that she obviously just wanted to cause problems between him and his ex.

She rang me in tears about it as she feels at a loss as to be able to help in anyway and apparently, she has to just sit back and accept that children she adores are being treated in such a way and has had to agree to make no more mention of it, so basically just accept it is the norm

I wonder if all is okay for your sister. When you first mentioned that she was scared of approaching her husband over the welfare of his children I thought it was becuase she feared he may go mad at the ex. Yet now I question what her fear was about as he appears to have dealt with the ex in a very calm fashion.

He then comes home and gets angry with your sister when she shows interest and concern for her step childrens' welfare and questions why all concerns were not raised with their mum. She is even accused of just wanting to cause problems between her husband and his ex.

Now she is being told to keep quiet about something she justifiably has huge misgivings over and treat it all as if it is the norm.

They are parents to their own child who they are raising with joint morals and ideals. Yet she is expected to ignore the bullying and suffering of step-children so as not to anger her husband. Its like being given the ultimate horrific ultimatum.

Something is very much amiss here. I dont think there is a boat left to rock in their relationship, it seems to have sailed already.

maybebaybe

marisco wrote: »

I wonder if all is okay for your sister. When you first mentioned that she was scared of approaching her husband over the welfare of his children I thought it was becuase she feared he may go mad at the ex. Yet now I question what her fear was about as he appears to have dealt with the ex in a very calm fashion.

He then comes home and gets angry with your sister when she shows interest and concern for her step childrens' welfare and questions why all concerns were not raised with their mum. She is even accused of just wanting to cause problems between her husband and his ex.

Now she is being told to keep quiet about something she justifiably has huge misgivings over and treat it all as if it is the norm.

They are parents to their own child who they are raising with joint morals and ideals. Yet she is expected to ignore the bullying and suffering of step-children so as not to anger her husband. Its like being given the ultimate horrific ultimatum.

Something is very much amiss here. I dont think there is a boat left to rock in their relationship, it seems to have sailed already.

thankyou Marisco for taking the time to give your opinions and advice today, i have to say she is caught in a very awful situation, and cant do right for doing wrong.

she is lost because she loves her husband and adores his children but knows his ex ( as somebody so rightfully put it earlier is a bully ) plain and simple.

I think someone said earlier that it is emotianal abuse that she is using on the kids but it looks like that my sister has to basically put up and shut up or she may lose her family too, as I said earlier I am really sad for her.

GobbledyGook

I'm probably going completely against the grain here, but I think you have to trust the Dad's judgement.

He did bring up the issue with the children's mother and ask her to stop shouting at them. It sounds like this didn't go down well, but he done it. I think only he would know how antagonistic it would be to then go on to add a list of other things he wants her to stop doing.

He's made the point, she knows he is unhappy about how he is speaking to their children and really you have to see where it goes from here before getting more upset.

Far better imo that he have a small word and retains access to his children whilst he works out if that has been successful. If he had 'rocked the boat' and been refused access as a result it's not just him who'd have missed out. The children would have lost, allbeit possibly temporarily, their father and step-mother who they will/do need if the quiet word doesn't work (and if heaven forbid the situation deteriorates).