How to support my friend - transgender

Morganarla

Well, we're going shopping on Saturday! Am actually quite excited and looking forward to helping him choose things he's happy to wear for the first time (although will present a challenge for me I think, not a hugely girly girl myself!)

At this stage, not sure whether a change of pronoun is actually appropriate. Think will be more choice of clothes, hairstyle, make-up. From what I understand though it will be more than this in the future. He is frightened of peoples reactions, he lives in a small area with a lot of prejudiced views so we will be going away from the area to shop, hoping he will enjoy it.

Thanks for all the lovely words of support, means a lot xxx

Tropez

Agree with the others - just keep being a friend and being supportive. Don't push the issue, even if you have a lot of questions, but let your friend open up and talk about it when they're ready to do so. They will likely want to share their feelings with you more and more as they emotionally commit more to what they're about to undertake and will appreciate the friendly and sympathetic ear.

There's a few blogs written by male to female transgendered people who have documented their journey and it might be worth you and maybe even your friend searching for and reading these when you're ready as they could provide support for both of you.

geminilady

It is sad his family will not be supportive but great that he has you.Has he picked a day to "change" ? I am sure there must be a group he could contact for help and advise.What about his job,has he informed them yet?they can not discriminate about transgender and it is more common than you might think.There used to be two male to female at a place I used to work.It says a lot about your friendship that he has chosen to tell you before his family.

Emmzi

faerie~spangles wrote: »

Well done you for being a pedantic fekwit.

However this thread IS NOT ABOUT YOU!

Do you know transgender people? Because changing pronoun and names is huge, and one of the main upsetting things when people get it wrong.

This thread is NOT ABOUT YOUR VITRIOL.

Emmzi

I have few transgender friends. Many struggle to be accepted even in LGBT support places.

I'd see if they have spoken to their doctor about 121 counseling first. You need to be careful and let a professional do this, don't start trying to be a therapist yourself - so it's good to rehearse saying "I don't think I'm qualified to give an opinion on that."

Other than that, much tea and chats and doing normal things is good.

jetplane

I have one transgender friend (that I know of) and although I did some research I found the support a two way process and I had to rely on her to enlighten me. It was about 8 years ago and she clearly had far more more knowledge than I could ever have so I have to say I was pretty much guided by her. We had a discussion about boundaries and she dictated the pace, decided what was appropriate and offset all of my faux pas against the support I gave.

I would say continue in the way that you are and don't be afraid to ask questions or say and do the wrong thing because we all say the wrong thing sometimes. And prepare to be shocked by the prejudice not only directed at your friend but also at you.

LillythePink

I had a family member who was transgender - sadly they passed away through cancer but......

For our side of the family, we were so relieved when we found out that the wished to become a woman as we were worried that his big announcement was something a lot more sinister ie HIV as he had dabbled in gay relationships in a bid to figure out what was "wrong" with him ie am I gay, am I not - it took a lot of time for him to realise that he liked men but not as a man but as a woman.

His mother's side of the family (us) were supportive all the way through, although, one aunt and uncle still referred to "him" even following surgery which was hurtful - so the use of him/her is very important - especially when they start living as a woman day to day.

I took "him" shopping for the first time to buy ladies clothes - luckily for him, he did have a figure to die for and small hands/feet - so it wasn't as if some burly builder looked like a transvestite.

We live in a very small place with a lot of narrow minded people and she worked in a very public place.

Her co-workers (when she started living as a woman) were so supportive as they had known him and then her - they threw a party for her on her first day as Miss X.

They were her friends and her funeral was very moving because of what they said - she has left a big hole in our lives but that's another story.

You just carry on doing what you are doing now - they will come up against people who don't understand and just play on the agony that they will be going through both mentally and then physically.

Just be there to either talk, shop or whatever they want and they will never forget it.

PM me if you want to chat more privately

xx

Person_one

There's a programme on Sky (possibly Living?) at the moment called 'Ladyboys', the title makes it sound like it'd be freakshow drivel but when I stumbled upon it a couple of nights ago I was actually pleasantly surprised and drawn in quickly.

It offered a real insight into the lives of the transwomen and they were really open about sharing some of their experiences and feelings. I was nearly in tears as one woman talked about the cruelty she'd suffered in Nigeria as an effeminate boy. It might be an interesting watch for you.

LillythePink

There was a documentary which followed the life of a man who wanted to become a woman - this was several years ago - maybe in the 80's I can't remember - but watching it and listening to what she had to say and what she had been through was really interesting and it mirrored my family member's struggles totally.

It's easier for transgender people now than it was back then simply because there is more awareness of this medical problem - and it is a medical problem that can be corrected with relative ease.

The woman in the film had tried being gay thinking this was the issue, had surgery against the doctors wishes because he thought that she wasn't ready (she had been living as a woman for some time) and got into a depression because of the doctor's hesitation in believing her etc

Because of the acceptance that this is a medical condition and not just a "phase", treatment can move at a quicker pace than it did for my family member - she got so fed up with the doctors wanting her to have years of psycotherapy (sp) on top of the years that she had already done that she went away and had it done privately.

She loved being a woman and when she died, you could see how much - the amount of make up, handbags, clothes and shoes she had - probably more than I have ever bought in my life was given to charity - it was so heart breaking to go through her stuff, some of which she hadn't ever worn.

I hope your friend gets the help that they need to lead a happy and fulfilling life afterwards - they will never forget the support that you have shown them in this long and painful journey.

Whenever I hear the song "The Climb" by Joe McElderry (sp) it always reminds me of her and although she has not been with us for a couple of years, it still reduces me to tears just listening to the words.

Tish_P

Just being there and listening will be a comfort to your friend, I'm sure. Ask about pronouns. And I'm seconding Tropez's suggestion to read some blogs by trans* people.

All the best to you and your friend!