Bad situation at home

FatVonD

Secret_Me wrote: »

Firstly, I'm a lodger in her house. Which makes it even trickier really as it means it isn't an equal relationship (although it used to feel like one) I can't move out as I don't have regular work and am skint, relying on HB some of the time and it would be very tricky to find accommodation locally that I can afford, let alone without references and on benefits.

That's great news, so to get out of the situation you just need to leave, far easier than getting her to move out of your house or being tied into a lease somewhere.

You are in an abusive relationship so approach it as if it were an abusive partner. Speak to your local housing authority who should be able to provide you with hostel accomodation in the short term and hopefully something better at a later date. It has to be better than living how you are now.

She works and you don't so you can even move out during the day while she's at work so you don't even have to confront her if you don't want to.

Speak to the local housing authority today (or tomorrow) and find out how the land lies at least. Good luck

Molly41

Yes i really agree that you need out of the situation asap - no messing and discussions. She is not reasonable and has no insight so it will be wasted. Can you go and live with with family or approach the council as it really does sound like an abusive situation.

Secret_Me

The thing that will be hard with moving out is that I have a pet. I've been looking at accommodation locally but as well as the cost problem, nowhere allows pets. I don't feel I could leave mine behind, even though landlady adores the pets and I don't think she would do anything to an animal. Rehoming would be the only solution there.

I've made up my mind that I have to speak to her about this and tell her straight that her behaviour is totally unacceptable. I like an earlier poster's suggestion to just go to my room when she starts misbehaving. As well I'll start telling her that I will speak to her when she has calmed down - and tell her during the discussion that this will be the way it is from now on.

She never used to be anything like this so part of me is hoping things can go back if I talk to her and change my behaviour. I am aware things will probably get harder before they get better.

Having a think this afternoon about the criticism and trying to change me thing - she hates everything about her own life so I think that is why she's focussing on me, as it's easier to nag another person than to change yourself. She's got some nerve thinking she's got all the answers though!

BitterAndTwisted

Look, it's not impossible to find another place when you have a pet: I've done it myself. If you look for another lodger situation, especially if it's through friends-of-friends you probably won't have to find a deposit, just some rent in advance. Quite honestly the situation sounds like it would be worth going into overdraft to resolve. Try not to think of obstacles as to why you can't move: you can.

Do you pay her your rent monthly in advance? Well, just don't pay her and use it to finance somewhere else. You're a lodger so you legally don't have to give her much notice, if any at all. If the shoe were on the other foot you can be ruddy certain that she wouldn't give you any notice.

Judith_W

My sympathies, I know what a huge impact having such a negative person around all the time can have and walking on eggshells all the time is not how you should live.

I know some animal shelters are able to 'foster' pets, so you can have them back when you are in a situation to look after them again, is this an option you could look at?

asparagus1968

what a horrible situation for you.
have you thought about her reaction if you actually "stand up" to her tell her your feelings?what if she throws you out there and then?
i think maybe plan your escape,as others have said,and just keep out of her way until you can do it.
good luck,i really feel for you.

marisco_2

Secret_Me wrote: »

My friend has had a hellish year or so where almost everything that can go wrong for her has done.

That is part of adult life though isn't it. We all go through tough times, experience things going wrong, have problems to resolve etc. None of this justifies how she is choosing to treat you.

I have highlighted the word above because your housemate is aware of what she is doing. She is choosing to behave this way toward you. If she were unable to control this behaviour she would behave this way toward everyone. She could not hold down a job etc. I would suggest you google narcissist. I recognise characteristics of this condition in your housemate.

Personally I view my home as being a safe haven. Somewhere I return to each night to relax and feel calm, happy, content and loved by all those in it. I could not tolerate living with someone who treats me as you are being treated. It is not natural to live being wary of your every move. There is no need for you housemate to have you walking on eggshells trying to constantly avoid upset and conflict. What you describe is an extreme form of emotional abuse.

Do you rent this property together? If so when is the tenancy up for renewal? I would speak to your housemate and tell her exactly how her behaviour is effecting your life. She can start screaming and shouting if she wishes. Keep going, staying firm and assertive and say that if she speaks that way to you again, it will leave you no choice but to look for alternative accomodation urgently.

I notice you refer to her still as your friend, I have had to use the term housemate. A true friend would not treat you so awfully.

Mr_Thrifty

Oh really, you truly are a bunch of lilly livered wimps.

She's a friend, not a spouse right?

Then freakin move out!!! You can still be friends, you just won't have to live together.

Unless you have other intentions, that is...

barbiedoll

marisco wrote: »

I have highlighted the word above because your housemate is aware of what she is doing. She is choosing to behave this way toward you. If she were unable to control this behaviour she would behave this way toward everyone. She could not hold down a job etc. I would suggest you google narcissist. I recognise characteristics of this condition in your housemate.

That's exactly what I was thinking. If she behaved like this all the time, she wouldn't have a boss to moan about.

She's a bully, pure and simple. This has nothing to do with any medical condition.

Secret_Me

There's been a bit of a shift in a good way.

Thurs night I got home and landlady started talking to me about how she was feeling and behaving. She said she thinks she has depression (TBH, if you met her you'd see that straight away, a doctor's diagnosis is purely academic at this point) and had brought home a load of books on changing your mindset and living with depression. So I told her how I felt about what was happening and spelt out that while I was there to talk to, I wasn't there to be yelled at, and that she was in danger of losing my friendship and support.

I also made the suggestion that she find some sort of hobby or activity that she could do to relax and switch off, as she's getting angry with work and staying mad all night rather than leaving it behind her and trying to enjoy the evening. Which is not at all healthy. She's now started with a stress-related illness and isn't sleeping well, and a lot of her stress is coming from inside as she isn't able to switch her mind off. And the physical illness is her body yelling at her to take a break.

She agreed with that and is going to have a think about what coping strategies she can use.

So we got everything off our chests that evening without any drama and the weekend has been pleasant, her boyfriend has been here and the three of us have been busy with things in the house and giggling like kids, which is how things always used to be!

I'm not going to believe that everything has been fixed in one conversation, but we're definitely on the right road.