Bad situation at home

19lottie82

Move out. It's your flatmate, not a spouse.

Before I bought my own place I did flat sharing for 10 years and shared with a couple of nutters in my time.
Trust me, once you have moved out and are living alone, or with normal people, it will feel like a 2 tonne weight has been lifted from your shoulders.

Gingham_R

This is not your fault.

You have said several times that you have allowed it etc. The fact is that she is behaving this way and that is her responsibility, not yours. Hard as it is, don't blame yourself as this is not your fault. Nor was it your fault when your ex treated you badly. Nor was it your fault if this has happened further back in your life too.

What is the situation with your living arrangements? Whose house is it? Do you have other friends to confide in about this? It sounds like your self esteem is very low so that does make it hard to get out of this kind of situation but it's not impossible. If you don't want to have it out with her, you don't have to. I had a lodger from hell a few years ago, after 2 abusive relationships in the past crippled me into saying nothing to him. I finally was able to tell him to go, gave him a week and changed the locks. I never had a conversation with him about why but I'm quite sure he knew.

Who do you trust to ask for help? Can you have someone with you if you do want to challenge her? Would you rather move out?

What do YOU want?

HeatherintheHills

fluffnutter wrote: »

It's sound advice but it's also incredibly difficult to put into practice. We forge the patterns of our relationships quite early on, and simply changing your behaviour is very, very hard.

Guilt, emotional blackmail, expectation, habit are all part of why we can't just say 'stop doing that'. If it were that easy, no one would allow themselves to be bullied and no one would be a bully.

I should imagine that the OP will feel tortured if she simply ignores her friend's rants and locks herself away, particularly if she feels that her friend's illness is at the root of this. She probably feels that it's her role to support her friend regardless and that in locking herself away she's stopped doing this. I should imagine this will make her feel incredibly guilty.

Furthermore, what will the friend's reaction be? Who knows? A sensible person might think 'hmm, I've overstepped the mark here'. But I can't see this happening. The friend seems so deep in her own misery and bad behaviour that she's far more likely to either fly off the handle or go into a massive sulk. Both of these are horrible situations to deal with, and I can understand why the OP might well find it easier to keep the peace.

I appreciate and agree with most of what you say. I know just how difficult, if not impossible, it can be to do what I suggested.

To be honest, I posted what I did to see how the OP reacted to it. It would be very enlightening to read her thoughts.

Sambucus_Nigra

Ask her to stop taking whatever it is out on you, and then move out if she doesn't.

Make-it-3

Its fine to have a rant here, but what is it you really want to happen?

Things going back to how they were before is pretty unlikely if things have gotten as bad as you paint.

Could you realistically sit down with her, maybe go out for coffee or lunch at the weekend when she isn't stressed about work and in more neutral surroundings and have a proper chat about how you are feeling.

Otherwise your options are for one of you to leave. How easy would it be for you to go your separate ways? Do you rent or own the house together? Can you manage financially on your own (either in same house or moving out)?

Perhaps once you have that distance between you it might be able to salvage the friendship too.

Secret_Me

Thanks for so many good replies!

Firstly, I'm a lodger in her house. Which makes it even trickier really as it means it isn't an equal relationship (although it used to feel like one) I can't move out as I don't have regular work and am skint, relying on HB some of the time and it would be very tricky to find accommodation locally that I can afford, let alone without references and on benefits.

fluffnutter wrote: »

I should imagine that the OP will feel tortured if she simply ignores her friend's rants and locks herself away, particularly if she feels that her friend's illness is at the root of this. She probably feels that it's her role to support her friend regardless and that in locking herself away she's stopped doing this. I should imagine this will make her feel incredibly guilty.

Frankly, no. I was trying to be supportive but she's worn out her welcome now. I've tried to be nice to a friend in trouble and been taken for a mug instead. I don't feel I owe her anything and will feel no guilt whatsoever in walking away.


Just the other night she was in a much calmer mood and she said that she thought she had depression, but in the next breath she didn't want to go to the doctor as her doc is rubbish, she doesn't want pills as she's been on ADs before and they didn't work and there's a months-long waiting list for counselling. So she's doing nothing about it.

Mind you, I don't know how much of this can be blamed on the depression as I've suffered before and never behaved like that. She just seems to go looking for stuff to get angry over (and as with the non-damaged object example, makes it up when there's nothing real).

paddy's_mum

For whatever, or no, reason, she despises you and has no compunction or inhibition at showing it. She is also well aware that she holds the whip hand.

I don't think you have any options whatever other than finding somewhere else, however difficult that may be. If this carries on going downhill, one of three things is likely to happen - you come home one day to find all your belongings in black bin bags and 24 hours notice to leave or you lose your temper and sock her one or she goes too far in her fury and sticks a knife in you.

If you decide to wait to find out which it is going to be, it may be you that wakes up dead in a ditch one morning. In short, git while you still can. Good luck.

j.e.j.

It sounds like this lady is quite lonely (not surprising, if that's the way she behaves towards people!). I get the impression that you have become her one companion/'therapist'/emotional punch-bag?

You are in an abusive situation. Is there anywhere locally where you can get housing advice? Perhaps if you're in a town or city there might be a branch of Shelter or something similar? Or have you got family nearby who could put you up for a while?

fluffnutter

Secret_Me wrote: »

Frankly, no. I was trying to be supportive but she's worn out her welcome now. I've tried to be nice to a friend in trouble and been taken for a mug instead. I don't feel I owe her anything and will feel no guilt whatsoever in walking away.

Good, this is most of the battle sorted then. TBH, I was making some real assumptions about your relationship, primarily because I couldn't quite work out why someone would willingly put up with this... but you've expanded a little more on your living situation which does go part of the way to explaining why.

Basically I think you should approach this from two angles then. Tell her to wind her !!!!ing neck in and start doing everything you can to improve your own situation to the point where you're able to move out.

Secret_Me

paddy's_mum wrote: »

For whatever, or no, reason, she despises you and has no compunction or inhibition at showing it. She is also well aware that she holds the whip hand.

I don't think you have any options whatever other than finding somewhere else, however difficult that may be. If this carries on going downhill, one of three things is likely to happen - you come home one day to find all your belongings in black bin bags and 24 hours notice to leave or you lose your temper and sock her one or she goes too far in her fury and sticks a knife in you.

If you decide to wait to find out which it is going to be, it may be you that wakes up dead in a ditch one morning. In short, git while you still can. Good luck.

Wow that is scary. I'd never thought of it in that way before but I suppose it's not unknown that things do escalate in that way.