Bad situation at home

Secret_Me

Hi, I'm a regular with an alias as the person I'm posting about knows my usual name.

I live with a friend and things are getting odd in the house.

It's been creeping up for some time and I've been ignoring it but can't any longer. My friend has had a hellish year or so where almost everything that can go wrong for her has done. And one of the problems has been a hormone-imbalance related health issue so we all know what that means. She is in a permanently foul mood and I'm on the receiving end of it. In a way I'm to blame as I've been telling myself it's just the stress and the sickness talking (well, screaming) and not said anything to her, but her tantrumming is getting worse. Everything sets off a screaming fit, I admit I'm tiptoing about trying not to set her going but nothing works. And I think I've made a rod for my own back by saying nothing, I've set up the situation so it's okay for her to speak to me like that. Although it isn't okay and no-one reasonable would treat another person like that!

She'll come home from work and throw a tantrum about what her boss did to annoy her and how her train was late (but isn't all that just part of working and commuting life?) and be screeching for the next hour and in a temper for the rest of the night, to the point where seeing someone she dislikes on the telly will start her off for another half-hour rant.

But what is bothering me a lot lately (I can't remember when this started, it has "crept up") is that she is hyper-critical of everything I do, say, like. And quite cruel about it as well. She makes me feel as though I am stupid and in the wrong all the time. Now we did have the kind of friendship where we could jest with each other and make the kind of jokes that would be hurtful if they came from an outsider or were made in a non-jokey manner. But now, her body language and tone of voice are so nasty, hostile and aggressive that I don't know how to take the remark. I can't tell if it is supposed to be a joke or not as it definitely doesn't come across as one. And needless to say, I'd get my head bitten off if I said the same to her.

Everything I do is supposedly wrong. I'm told most days that "there's something wrong with you" "you're weird" etc. Well I know that, I've struggled all my life to fit in anywhere and nowadays all I really want is to be left alone. What's the big deal if I like a different foodstuff or have 80s hair (which complete strangers stop me to complement me on btw!) I'm not trying to make her like the same things, I'm not harming anyone, why can't I be left to it like I leave her to her likes & dislikes?

I got bawled at yesterday morning for supposedly damaging something of hers with fag ash. I didn't do it and when I looked at the object there was no damage done to it in any way.

I don't know what she is trying to do. This reminds me of the situation I was in years ago with a then-partner who emotionally abused me by showing me up and making me feel I was never good enough. They destroyed my confidence and I can feel the same thing happening here. I'm overthinking wheter to put the sofa cushion on the left or the right to avoid an outburst (of course, neither option is right).

I know I need to have a word with her but am really not sure of how to do it, how to phrase it or when to do it, I've been intending to sit her down for a chat for a while now but the right time never comes does it? And before I know it, another week then a month has passed by.

Do any of you have any hints on how to handle the talk and how to make changes for the future?

GlasweJen

It sounds like emotional abuse to me. With her being ill it could be a symptom though. I think you should visit her doctor together and see if there's any help you can get because she's damaging relationships and that can't go on.

Tish_P

Can you move out? Then you can repair your friendship without it affecting your whole life.

Ginger_Poodle

Do you own the house? Together? Or if it is rented, what is the remainder of the lease? You have tried to be a good friend but it sounds like the situation is starting to affect your health & well being. I agree with GlasweJen that this is abuse & about perhaps seeing a GP together, but I think that you should also live apart. You can't support her if you are too scared to speak. Good luck.

FattyBettyBoo

Is she like this with everyone or just you? If it is everyone then maybe speak to some other people and decide o the best course of action. If it is just you, I would try to speak to her about it and if it doesn't work just cut your losses and get out of the friendship.

I had a great friend that changed and became very similar to this. When I started a new relationship my BF couldn't believe what I put up with. It had become normal to me so it took a new person to point this out. I worked out that it was just me (it was always someone and it happened to have been my turn) so I walked away and have never looked back.

Hope it all works out. I demoralising friend is just as (if not more) destructive than a demoralising boyfriend.

fluffnutter

You've become her emotional punchbag, a focus for her (no doubt illness-related) rants.

This has come about not only because she's overstepping the boundaries, but because you've allowed it to. This is highlighted by your comments about your previously emotionally-abusive relationship.

You have a number of choices...

1. Put up with it
2. Stand up to her
3. Move

Putting up with it will destroy your life. Personally I'd move out simply because resolving these types of situations and forcing someone to change their behaviour towards you is incredibly time-consuming and difficult. Sometimes the results aren't great either.

However, if this is impractical or impossible, or perhaps you're simply not prepared to abandon her, then you MUST seek some counselling to understand why you allow people to bully you and to arm yourself with techniques as to how to stop them.

You can't change other people, but you can change your response to them, which in turn causes them to change.

*max*

You must have the patience of a saint! I wouldn't take such abuse from anyone, never mind a so called friend!
Ok, she may have health problems causing this, but that doesn't mean you have to lay down and just take the abuse (because that's what it is!).

Is she a lodger or a housemate? I would try to talk to her about it and make it clear that you understand she has an underlying condition, but her behaviour towards you is absolutely unacceptable. If it doesn't improve soon, I would seriously consider moving out, or asking her to move out (depending on the house situation). I couldn't live like this, and I don't know how you have managed for so long.

fluffnutter

How much do you really owe your friend? Seriously? Counselling to help you understand why you allow yourself to be bullied is probably a good idea generally. But the thing about counselling is that you will change. You'll start standing up to her, and this will create no end of conflict.

At the moment, you're putting up with her rants. Believe me, once you let her know this is unacceptable, she won't deal with it too well. Ultimately she'll probably back down and start treating you with respect, but it's more likely, in the short term at least, that she'll step it up a notch. You have a co-dependent relationship at present, one that's finely and precariously balanced but still with some benefits. Once you alter this balance, all hell will break out. She needs you to put up with her ranting, that's your role in her life. Take this away and she's going to go into freefall.

Are you prepared for this? Is this really what you deserve? At some point, you need to cherish yourself, not others. You're not responsible for her and, whilst I expect you're a caring person trying to do your best for a poorly friend, you shouldn't be doing this at your own emotional expense.

HeatherintheHills

Secret_Me wrote: »

Hi, I'm a regular with an alias as the person I'm posting about knows my usual name.

I live with a friend and things are getting odd in the house.

It's been creeping up for some time and I've been ignoring it but can't any longer. My friend has had a hellish year or so where almost everything that can go wrong for her has done. And one of the problems has been a hormone-imbalance related health issue so we all know what that means. She is in a permanently foul mood and I'm on the receiving end of it. In a way I'm to blame as I've been telling myself it's just the stress and the sickness talking (well, screaming) and not said anything to her, but her tantrumming is getting worse. Everything sets off a screaming fit, I admit I'm tiptoing about trying not to set her going but nothing works. And I think I've made a rod for my own back by saying nothing, I've set up the situation so it's okay for her to speak to me like that. Although it isn't okay and no-one reasonable would treat another person like that!

She'll come home from work and throw a tantrum about what her boss did to annoy her and how her train was late (but isn't all that just part of working and commuting life?) and be screeching for the next hour and in a temper for the rest of the night, to the point where seeing someone she dislikes on the telly will start her off for another half-hour rant.

But what is bothering me a lot lately (I can't remember when this started, it has "crept up") is that she is hyper-critical of everything I do, say, like. And quite cruel about it as well. She makes me feel as though I am stupid and in the wrong all the time. Now we did have the kind of friendship where we could jest with each other and make the kind of jokes that would be hurtful if they came from an outsider or were made in a non-jokey manner. But now, her body language and tone of voice are so nasty, hostile and aggressive that I don't know how to take the remark. I can't tell if it is supposed to be a joke or not as it definitely doesn't come across as one. And needless to say, I'd get my head bitten off if I said the same to her.

Everything I do is supposedly wrong. I'm told most days that "there's something wrong with you" "you're weird" etc. Well I know that, I've struggled all my life to fit in anywhere and nowadays all I really want is to be left alone. What's the big deal if I like a different foodstuff or have 80s hair (which complete strangers stop me to complement me on btw!) I'm not trying to make her like the same things, I'm not harming anyone, why can't I be left to it like I leave her to her likes & dislikes?

I got bawled at yesterday morning for supposedly damaging something of hers with fag ash. I didn't do it and when I looked at the object there was no damage done to it in any way.

I don't know what she is trying to do. This reminds me of the situation I was in years ago with a then-partner who emotionally abused me by showing me up and making me feel I was never good enough. They destroyed my confidence and I can feel the same thing happening here. I'm overthinking wheter to put the sofa cushion on the left or the right to avoid an outburst (of course, neither option is right).

I know I need to have a word with her but am really not sure of how to do it, how to phrase it or when to do it, I've been intending to sit her down for a chat for a while now but the right time never comes does it? And before I know it, another week then a month has passed by.

Do any of you have any hints on how to handle the talk and how to make changes for the future?

Next time she starts a rant take a deep breath, tell her calmly that her behaviour is now unacceptable. If that doesn't shock her into silence and she continues ranting, say nothing more, go to your room (you have your own?) barricade the door, put some headphones on and ignore her.

When she has calmed down tell her you both need to think about finding independent places to live as soon as possible because you refuse to put up with her behaviour any longer.

If you don't accept her rants it makes them pointless. She may get that sooner or later.

BitterAndTwisted

Honestly, I wouldn't put up with it, no matter how close a friend it was. The rants about other people and situations might be tolerable if you had any pateince (quite a lot, really) and cared about her enough but the personal attacks would be beyond the pale for me. And it's really, REALLY unhealthy for your own well-being, too.

If it's possible to move I'd do it in a heartbeat. Otherwise just walk away without engaging with her and remove yourself from any contact. Then, if and when she cools down tell her that it's intolerable, that she needs to address her abusive behaviour or you're off. Easier said than done once you're concreted into a pattern, I know, but you need to for your own sanity. Let a professional or a family-member help her because you can't.

fluffnutter

HeatherintheHills wrote: »

Next time she starts a rant take a deep breath, tell her calmly that her behaviour is now unacceptable. If that doesn't shock her into silence and she continues ranting, say nothing more, go to your room (you have your own?) barricade the door, put some headphones on and ignore her.

When she has calmed down tell her you both need to think about finding independent places to live as soon as possible because you refuse to put up with her behaviour any longer.

If you don't accept her rants it makes them pointless. She may get that sooner or later.

It's sound advice but it's also incredibly difficult to put into practice. We forge the patterns of our relationships quite early on, and simply changing your behaviour is very, very hard.

Guilt, emotional blackmail, expectation, habit are all part of why we can't just say 'stop doing that'. If it were that easy, no one would allow themselves to be bullied and no one would be a bully.

I should imagine that the OP will feel tortured if she simply ignores her friend's rants and locks herself away, particularly if she feels that her friend's illness is at the root of this. She probably feels that it's her role to support her friend regardless and that in locking herself away she's stopped doing this. I should imagine this will make her feel incredibly guilty.

Furthermore, what will the friend's reaction be? Who knows? A sensible person might think 'hmm, I've overstepped the mark here'. But I can't see this happening. The friend seems so deep in her own misery and bad behaviour that she's far more likely to either fly off the handle or go into a massive sulk. Both of these are horrible situations to deal with, and I can understand why the OP might well find it easier to keep the peace.