Debt free wannabe, getting in more debt, urgent help

Lucy1982_2

Oh Sweetheart!

You really are having a tough time of it aren't you.

My ex gambled, I didn't realise until we split up just how bad the problem was. We had been due to get married and I had a loan in my name, when we split and I asked him to set up a monthly payment into my account he refused as he had run up so much gambling debt while he was serving in Iraq. This doesn't help but gamblers don't think about anyone else. He left me with £5,000 debt (Which I inceased on my own :mad: )

But you need to remember the 2 most important people are you and you little one. Please don't let him ruin your life.

I'm very new to this, but I can only agree with everyone else, change your passwords, account numbers. Perhaps even speak to your bank and explain the situation. They may be able to suggest further security measures so he cannot access your money.

I would also suggest not giving him large amounts of money, he is going to have to rebuild your trust in him.

This is going to be hard work, but hopefully it'll be worth it in the long term. I think the key is your determination. Keep at it and things will work themselves out.

Keep smiling

catewithers

Willsnarf1983 wrote: »

ok i get what you mean catwithers but what about someone that has lung disease through smoking, you have a choice not to smoke or smoke yet if you got lung cancer you wouldn't run away would you

thats all i am trying tog et across and please don't get em wrong the OP needs to look after herself and her daughter first but being a compulsive is not as black and white as people like to make out

Will

I agree with you entirely - it isn't black and white. I have personal and professional experience of all sorts of mental health issues I do understand the complexity of the issues. However, someone who has contracted lung cancer through their own behavioural choices is not taking food/utilities/nursery fees away from their family/children. If he is not able to make a choice to stop gambling at this time then the OP has to control her financial situation in order to protect herself and it may come to the point that she has to end the relationship in order to do so. Having read her most recent post, it seems to me that there are many more issues in this relationship about trust and mutual respect that she is struggling with besides the gambling and all its implications.

Becks, I'm so sorry that things are so hard for you. I can't imagine what it must be like to be in this situation and I wish there was something practical I could do to help. Sending you big hugs.

It sounds like you're reaching a point where you're not able to cope any more with the stress you're under. Please make sure you have a good support network around you - friends, family, health professionals - so that you can protect yourself as much as possible from the stress.

I would suggest that you don't give him any money for anything anymore - not even if he needs to get a passport/paint for the house etc. Is he working? Is he not able to fund these things from his own wages? Have you been able to prevent him having access to your wages? Personally I wouldn't have paid for the same day service to get him a passport - you've already had to fill out the form for him, give him money to get one - which he's spent on other things! But I understand that you don't want to go on holiday on your own.

It also sounds like - from the little bit you said about the relationship in general - that he rarely does anything for you/your daughter/ the household. Maybe the time has come to weigh up if this relationship has ever been a healthy one for you to be in and what the chances are of it ever being a healthy relationship to be in.

I wish you well - hang in there - you can get through this. Keep in touch with us.

Becks_in_Debt

Thank you Lucy1982 I have changed my passwords, and he has no access to any bank account, his wages gets paid into my account and I give him money. I have spoke to my banks and they have been great, they havent been able to give me any more tips than what is on here, although Natwest did take my cheque book off me as earlier last year he forged my signiture on a cheque for £600

Lucy1982_2

Becks_in_Debt wrote: »

Thank you Lucy1982 I have changed my passwords, and he has no access to any bank account, his wages gets paid into my account and I give him money.

Sounds like a really good idea. It's tough, but will be worth it in the long run.

Keep us posted and if you ever need a moan you know where we are!

beanielou

Hi BiD
You are more easy going than me as I would have gone on hols without him!
Take care

beanielou

Hi BiD
You are more easy going than me as I would have gone on hols without him!
Take care

misspoppy

Hi Becks so sorry to hear that things are no better.

have you contacted gamblers anon to see if they have a support group for families?

I don't really have any other suggestions but there does come a time in your life when you have to think about yourself and despite what Will states you have done more than your fair share. If my partner had heart problems and still ate rubbish smoked and drank then yes I would leave, there is only so much you can take everyone has to take responsibility for themselves in your bfs case his family and he's not.

I hope you have a good holiday, try to keep a tight control on the spending money you don't want to be stuck abroad without any money and from the sound of things your bf would gamble it all on the first night given the chance.

Take care

Becks_in_Debt

Thank you cathwithers I am struggling to cope with all the stress, from being a mum, working full time, money, OH, housework, and now health issues that I had a few years ago seem to have come back, which is stressing me out intill I know for sure.

I haven't really got any one to talk to.
My family I try and leave them out of it, in the hope that if things do work out between us I dont want them always thinking bad of him, I have the odd cry every now and then with them when things get to much that I cant help it.
My friends, I have one really good friend, but I feel sorry for her she has got problems of her own without listening to me all the time, although I do e-mail her every day with a good old rant, she never complains, I have got another friend who is getting married in a few months time and she has got no time for us any more everything is all about "The Wedding", we cant just meet up like we used to and have a laugh, things seem hard work with her, doesnt help that I am suppost to be her bridesmaid and really cant get excited about it, how can I having so many relationship problems, she thinks money grows on trees, after me and other friend agreed to be bridesmaids she then said we had to pay towards the dress, she wants a hen party, and for us to go on a spa day £80 to use a pool, £2.50 i my local swimming baths, she wants me and other friend to stay in the hotel on the night of the wedding so we can all have breakfast together the day after the wedding, where's the money tree any body.
I have got loads of other friends but they all still live at home with the parents, so dont really understand about money and all that yet, plus they are friends with my OH brother's g/friend, so risk of getting back
Health Proffessional, I have been back and forth hospital the last month and now they think a problem I had a few years ago has come back, no doubt it is the stress that has reactivated it, just waiting to hear more from them.

The reason I give him money is because is stresses me out me having to do everything, I want to trust him so he can take some of the burden off, and it is not left to me to do all the shopping either after work or at weekends.

Thank you

Becks_in_Debt

Thank you beanielou, if he doesnt get a passport me and DD are going on our own and I have told him that, and if he doesnt get a passport I have told him to pack his bags and get out the house for when we get home

misspoppy wrote: »

Hi Becks so sorry to hear that things are no better.

Thank you misspoppy NO I will have a look on there website and see, I didnt think they did one for families, only for the perosn with the problem
I hope I have a good holiday as well I have been looking forward to it for so long and now all this, I will keep a close eye on the spending money, we shouldnt need mega loads anyway as we are half board and there is loads to do around the place that doesnt cost money bu twill keep us entertained.

Lucy1982_2

It doesn't get any better does it.

Yet again I can sympathise. My Cousin is getting married in just over 2 week and pulled the same trick on us. The dress, shoes, etc have cost me about £220 (not that I was counting) she even wanted to split the £25 cost of having the woman lace us into our dresses!!! :mad: :mad: I mean £25 in the grand scheme of this 'event' is nothing!! Needless to say we are not having her!

She had great plans of a spa weekend (again cost of about £150) I said I couldn't afford to go. In the end so many people objected to the cost we went out for dinner on the Friday night and then drinking on Saturday. And had a wonderful time

You need to try and take a stand, if you can't afford it then there is nothing you can do. My cousin understood and I am sure your friend will to.

I haven't told my family about my debt problems as it would only worry them, however I have told my best friend and she is keeping and eye on me. At the end of the day you are not alone and we will all help as much as we can!