Debt free wannabe, getting in more debt, urgent help

rustybucket

What makes me mad is the fact he said to you he needed to draw money out for your birthday present; and you get nothing. He strikes me as an uncaring, selfish person who cares only about feeding his addiction. You can't make him stop gambling, HE is the only one that can make that decision. Is it the right thing to do staying with him just because of the situation you're in? I hope this does not sound too blunt or cold, i'm so sorry you're having to go through two big stresses, gambling and debt. I hope you get this sorted soon, good luck.

Willsnarf1983

Becks_in_Debt wrote:

No i would of stayed with him if it was a actual medical problem, but although i know it is a mental illness and intill he can admit he has a problem he cant do anything about it. But he admitted he had a gambling problem last year, i ended the relationship and he begged me and admitted he had a problem, both families were informed as he was constantly borrowing money off his brother, it even got to the stage where he got hold of my cheque book and forged my signiture to pay into a friends bank account, i informed the bank it wasnt my signiture but i couldnt really take the father of my daughter to court up on fraud charges so i dropped it, which has resulted in me not being able to have a cheques book with that bank. for my daughters sake i let him have the bank cards because he was doing so well and i really thought i could trust him, if he was that much of an addict, surely he would be selling our electrical goods or what ever he could to sell to help with his addiction. All bank accounts are in my name and his wages are paid into my account so that i can make sure the people we owe money to get paid, and they come out on pay day, not enough time for him to get to the money that way.

The words in red contradict each other, it is an 'actual medical problem'.

As for admitting that he has a problem, maybe he just admitted it to keep you and to keep everyone at peace. Sometimes people need to hit an absolute rock bottom before they can see what everyone else sees

As for what a compulsive gambler is its a whole differant ball park, Compulsive gamblers are people that believe they cannot gamble money and he is showing exhibits of this by stealing all the money in your account and as for not selling your electrical goods....well give him time.

Look after yourself and your daughter but please don't turn your back on him if you can

Will

ilovegreatdanes

i am sending you a big hug.the only thing to do is to be cruel to be kind.while he gets away with "The trust" thing he will play on it forever.i would tell him that you will give him x amount of pocket money for the week or the month and when its gone its gone.ask him to go to ga and if he wont then theres not much left except for him to leave.cant imagine what you are going through and just want you to know we are all behind you.good luck and kind regards.

MoneySavingMum_4

If it's your account he's accessing then cancel the cards. If it's a joint a/c then open a sole one in your name and start getting your salary paid there instead. You really have to protect the basics for yourself and the little one. I know it's easier said than done, but you have to start putting yourselves first.

Becks_in_Debt

I know it sound like i am contradicting myself when i say "No i would of stayed with him if it was a actual medical problem, but although i know it is a mental illness". No matter what i write it is not going to put that right, or make it sound any better, sorry, i know what i mean.

Snaggles

Don't feel bad Becks, I think your reaction is perfectly natural, and contradictary thoughts and feelings are part of dealing with what you are going through. I know if it was my husband going out gambling our food money away, I would find it pretty difficult to accept it was a 'medical problem' too.

As far as what he has said about trust, he needs to understand that it has to work both ways, and once it has been damaged, it takes a long time to rebuild. You have to protect yourself and your daughter first and foremost, so I think taking his cards off him is a good short term solution.

catewithers

It's ok Becks, I think I know what you mean.

It is an actual medical problem in the sense that it's a mental illness and mental illness is a medical problem.

However, it's a medical problem that he has some choice about. He could choose to seek help and work at overcoming his problems. A heart condition that affects his health and quality of life is not necessarily something he can do anything about.

Obviously that's a very simplistic way to look at it and there is far more involved in making that choice etc. etc. But I think that's what you mean... please correct me if I'm wrong!!

Aside that, I just want to send you a big hug. I can't imagine how difficult things must be for you at the moment.

X

Willsnarf1983

ok i get what you mean catwithers but what about someone that has lung disease through smoking, you have a choice not to smoke or smoke yet if you got lung cancer you wouldn't run away would you

thats all i am trying tog et across and please don't get em wrong the OP needs to look after herself and her daughter first but being a compulsive is not as black and white as people like to make out

Will

Becks_in_Debt

Hi I just thought I'd let you all know how things are going.
Well I thought things were going well, end of march I gave OH money to go and get his passport sorted (i filled out the form for him, he just neede to go and get a photo sorted and go to the post office, nothing to hard) along with some money to get some bits and bobs and paint to decorate the kitchen, after i gave him the money I rang him up and told him not to buy paint as we had car tax and mot due this month, when I asked him for the £100 back he said he would giv it to me when the car tax is due, that day come and gone, he just said there is not really alot left, i have spent it on Mcdonalds and stuff.
Since last friday we have had a mare of a time, the car failed it's mot and then OH broke our only car key, a mechanic said they would do it for £35 (great) and a vehicle locksmith said he'd do it for £140 (being a DFW i went for the £35 one), well the mechanic come on tues afternoon, drilled away at the barrell, as 1/2 the key is stuck inside the ignition, we now have to start up the car with a screwdriver in the left hand and the 1/2 key in the right, 15mins it took me this morning to start the car, I was sat on my drive way in tears this morning, by the time I got to my daughters nursery I left the car running run her inside and went back to the car, there was no way I was turning off the engine.
We go on holiday in 11 days time, and on tuesday morning i mentioned to my OH that his passport hadnt turned up yet and we will have to chase it, he then told me tuesday night after the car had been fixed that he hasnt sent off for a passport and he doesnt have the money for it (yet again £200 disappeared), so a holiday where it was going to be tight anyway, is even tighter, we have had to dip into the spending money to sort out the car and now £108 to get a passport sorted (same day service). No matter how many times I tell him I am fed up with the lies, he carry's on with them, he does nothing for me around the house, he has more days off than me, yes he works 12hr shifts but he still has more time at home to peg washing out, clean, tidy, iron, mow the lawn, but he does nothing,

Becks_in_Debt

Sorry just really wanted a moan, having a rough time at the minute, loads is getting me down, other stuff not money related though and sure you dont want to be bored with it all.