Young folks weddings: match "projected" quality of life?

ennui

This thread is interesting. Limited finances has certainly made our wedding planning so far rather sad. I don't know how I'd feel if our financial future were more predictable. It's possible that my income could go up significantly over the next few years. It's also possible I could be unemployed next year. Even being in a field many would consider to be a good career, seven years after graduating and five years after getting my post-grad professional qualification, I have never had a permanent job and currently only have part-time work. My fiance is in very low-paid work and recently lost 3 months wages due to injury. I hope our financial circumstances will improve soon, but I don't feel I can gamble on it.

Since we got engaged, I have shed a lot of tears over dreams I'm having to give up in terms of how the wedding will be. However, I am absolutely certain I do not want to delay the wedding. The venue of my dreams was very important to me, but not nearly as important as our marriage. I wouldn't be surprised if I end up looking back in regret about elements of the day, but I'd rather that than regret putting off and putting off and putting off this commitment waiting for a change in circumstances that might never come.

ellay864

I first got married in 1989 on my 25th birthday, he was 27. Back then we had a choice of church or registry office wedding - that was it. We married in the local church with about 90 guests and had reception in a local hotel, then evening party with another 60 guests. We paid for it ourselves, didn't go mad on anything but I don't ever remember having to worry about whether we could afford it, we just went and did it. We were both in OK jobs, we probably could have splashed out more but didnt feel the need. My engagement ring was a simple sapphire and diamond ring, quite small, from Samuels. I loved it as it looked so pretty and even now I do wear it as a dress ring (am over the emotional attachment to it!) I'm sure back then it was much more simple. I don't remember even thinking about favours or chair covers or save the dates. Looking back I have no regrets about how the wedding went at all. I don't think I would have changed anything (except maybe choice of groom lol). Even now, 13 years after our marriage ended, I can honestly say that the wedding, how we planned, what we spent on doesn't hold any regrets at all, we got on with married life, had 2 gorgeous kids...that one day was special in its own way but what followed meant much more, for good and ultimately bad.
2nd time round I've got a hubby who was up to his eyes in debt and we've been together 8 years now working on getting his finances sorted. He proposed with a ring that is nothing in terms of material value but the way he proposed (long story, surprise trip to Switzerland, top of a mountain) means more to me - I maintain my engagement rock was pretty amazing as it was the Eiger! Nothing will spoil those memories - I don't need flash jewellery for that. Our wedding cost more than we'd originally thought but I got sick of people implying my second wedding meant less and should be very modest. If anything it meant more - we'd both had failed marriages behind us, this time round we knew what we're letting ourselves in for, we've probably both put more thought into it. I wanted a day that was memorable and for me the venue was the special thing. we had to compromise as we couldnt afford the zoo for the whole day so had an evening do elsewhere but that was worth it. of course I wish we'd had the funds to have the whole day there but that doesn't mean I regret anything we did at all. Our day was beautifully personal, with a reading we chose, another that a friend wrote for us, vows that we wrote ourselves and a song my DH wrote and recorded for me playing as we signed the register. All of our guests commented on the relaxed nature of the day and that meant a lot to us. It was a very special day but ultimately it is just one day. In context of our life together, the challenges of integrating 2 familes (2 sets of kids to get together) finding another chance of happiness after both having been badly betrayed before...that's what counts now, our marriage and I'm sure I'll have no regrets over what we could have done differently on that one day

Alikay

When we got married 25 years ago there wasn't such choice of venues, styles etc. It was Registry Office or church, and where I lived, either a big crowd at the village hall or a smaller group at a nearby hotel. We had family coming from all over, so chose the hotel so they'd get a hot meal to make it worth their journey:D.

I don't remember things like favours being the norm, cakes were white and either 2 or 3 tier, and wedding photos were the standard set of poses in a white album.

We did have a lovely day, but luckily didn't have all today's choices to agonise over, and I think our wedding was pretty similar to most friends' and family members' days. I seem to remember my main stress being a zit appearing on my chest on the morning of the wedding!:rotfl:

wanchai_2

sugarwalsh wrote: »

If Idio had said 'Do you think there might be aspects of your wedding you may regret in future life because you may have different earnings?' then I would understand that. We may earn more, we my earn less, therefore we could all 'regret' the decisions we make. However, he didn't.
Normally I don't take issue with what Idio says, but I do on this thread. There is a lot of emphasis on having a 'better' career, which he seems to equate to a better life. He talks about getting into debt to have a wedding which reflects the life he 'aspires' to. I personally don't like this stance at all.
Quality of life and whether you have a 'good' one is not measured by the money you earn or the money you spend on your wedding. To me life is not about striving towards the future because it is a 'better place'. It is about living in the here and now, appreciating what you have and loving those around you. It is about accepting that whilst money helps to make life a little easier, it is not necessary to earn vast sums. So long as you have a roof over your head, food, water and your health, they really should be all the things which matter.

I realise that probably sounds all hippy - but 4 kids down the line and having recently lost a friend to cancer - I think I am beginning to understand what this things called life really is all about. It strikes me Idio could do with looking inwards rather than outwards too.

I absolutely agree. It's the 'higher earnings = better quality of life' bit that really puzzles me. Status doesn't matter. Your health and being surrounded by people you love are all that really matter. I know that OH and I are doing well financially but our wedding will certainly be a lot less showy than others we have been to where I know for a fact that half the cost has been put on credit cards. I would feel ill waking up the next morning knowing that I'd borrowed thousands to pay for one day.

Bottom line: you will have better financial circumstances for the rest of your lives if you don't get into debt for your wedding.

BabyBoots

Idiophreak wrote: »

If you get married quite young, probability is that you'll be earning less and have higher debts than you will for the rest of your life - so the wedding day you end up with may reflect your circumstances at a relatively short period of your life, not the whole thing...and you only get one shot!...

both the wife and I have pretty good career prospects and I'm always one for "backing myself" to do better. I really quite disliked the idea that, in forty years, I might look back and go "I can't believe I proposed with such a cheap ring" or "I can't believe I settled for...x, y, z to save a few pounds"...

Anyway, anyone see what I'm getting at, at all?

I hope I understand the point of this. If I can paraphrase: did you set your budget bearing in mind the money at your disposal at the time, or how much you expected to have at your disposal longer term?

I certainly had the longer term in mind, rather than immediate finances, in setting our wedding budget. I have a good job now, and savings in the bank, so arguably I could afford to spend around the UK average on a wedding.

However, unlike Idiophreak, I'm less confident of having more money at my disposal in future. My income is growing much less than inflation, I expect to stop working for a while in the next few years to have children, redundancies are being threatened, and I have my savings earmarked to eventually move to a bigger house, if possible, bearing in mind the cost of the aforementioned. Therefore I'm having a less expensive wedding than is average in this country, because I have other priorities for my cash.

I can see the OP's point, that if you have good reason to think you will have more money in the future, you might stretch yourself more in the cost of your wedding than your current circumstances might suggest.

Just as we all choose to do different things to earn money, we all have different priorities for spending it, and there's obviously no right or wrong way to set your wedding budget.

Idiophreak

sugarwalsh wrote: »

If Idio had said 'Do you think there might be aspects of your wedding you may regret in future life because you may have different earnings?' then I would understand that. We may earn more, we my earn less, therefore we could all 'regret' the decisions we make. However, he didn't.

Err, I pretty much did... re-read the OP

"How much did/do you think about how you'd look back on your wedding when you made decisions, particularly around the budget?

If you get married quite young, probability is that you'll be earning less and have higher debts than you will for the rest of your life"

Of course, you decided to derail the thread and talk about other stuff, but hey-ho.

sugarwalsh wrote: »

Normally I don't take issue with what Idio says, but I do on this thread. There is a lot of emphasis on having a 'better' career, which he seems to equate to a better life. He talks about getting into debt to have a wedding which reflects the life he 'aspires' to. I personally don't like this stance at all.
Quality of life and whether you have a 'good' one is not measured by the money you earn or the money you spend on your wedding. To me life is not about striving towards the future because it is a 'better place'. It is about living in the here and now, appreciating what you have and loving those around you. It is about accepting that whilst money helps to make life a little easier, it is not necessary to earn vast sums. So long as you have a roof over your head, food, water and your health, they really should be all the things which matter.

I realise that probably sounds all hippy - but 4 kids down the line and having recently lost a friend to cancer - I think I am beginning to understand what this things called life really is all about. It strikes me Idio could do with looking inwards rather than outwards too.

Yep, sorry to say it, but all sounds *very* hippy to me.

I think about the things I enjoy in life - travelling to be with my friends and family, travelling for fun, for that matter. Spending time with my wife and family and - brace yourself, having cool stuff too (OMG I'm going to be lynched)...and I look to the future, the things that are important to me - providing a stable home environment for my children, giving them a good education, giving them stuff that I didn't have as a child....Money is *far* from the most important thing to me, but it helps me to do the things that are really important to me, so naturally I seek more of it when possible. I don't think that looking to up my income is something I should be particularly ashamed of.

It was important to me that my wedding fits into my life as a whole, yes. Clearly it's not important to you, which is fine...but I don't think it's as vain and mental as you're making out to consider it. It's just about proportionality. I was in a position where I could spend less and have a wedding that was fine, but wasn't exactly what we wanted - or we could go "all out" and have exactly what we wanted.

If doing the latter had left me crippled by debt, if I thought it was going to take my whole life to pay the thing back - I wouldn't have done it...but that wasn't the case.

If my career goes badly, if I look back, find that I ended up working minimum wage for 40 years, could never afford another foreign holiday, can't afford to do things to further my children's educations...and think "you know what....I spent £XXk on my wedding." -I don't want to say I'd regret it...because it was a fantastic day and whatever happens I'll have the memories - but whether I'll think I could have done things differently...

So, my *only* point I ever tried to make regarding wages, quality of life or whatever other quote you want to throw at me - was that I "backed myself" to live a life in which the amount I spent on my wedding seems appropriate. In that context, I consider my current and future earnings to be very closely linked with my wedding budget.

As I've said time and time again, the debt doesn't even come into it. If I'd saved up 20k, spent it all on a wedding then had a really bad run of luck and not earnt much the rest of my life life - I honestly think I'd still look back and think "I could have done X, Y or Z" with some of that money.

Finally, FWIW, I'd like to dispel the apparent assumption on this thread that I had some kind of crazily extravagant wedding to match my future billionaire lifestyle - this just wasn't the case. Our wedding was very relaxed, very informal and just a good laugh. The "extra" money that I committed to the thing, considering my broader financial circumstances, wasn't spent on horse drawn carriages, flocks of doves or fairy lights for the wife's dress - it was simply spent inviting more friends and family to share our day.

Idiophreak

BabyBoots wrote: »

I hope I understand the point of this. If I can paraphrase: did you set your budget bearing in mind the money at your disposal at the time, or how much you expected to have at your disposal longer term?

:TThanks for helping me out.

Again, I'd refer to the OP. "I couldn't think how to phrase it"
(and clearly, I didn't do a very good job)

wanchai_2

Ok, just so we can make an informed comment - how much did your wedding cost, how did the costs break down and how much did you borrow?

Idiophreak

wanchai wrote: »

Ok, just so we can make an informed comment - how much did your wedding cost, how did the costs break down and how much did you borrow?

I'd rather not discuss overall numbers to be honest, I'm vary weary of the inverted snobbery on these boards - and you've given people a rough idea of the budget anyway (which is fairly poor form, given that I PM'd you that information in the first place, but we all make mistakes)

But I can say:
Our wedding probably cost around the average.
Certain material things were well above average (particularly the engagement ring and wedding gifts).
Our honeymoon was well above average.
Most of the overall cost of the wedding day went on marquee hire, food, wine and staffing.
We had a band.
We had a good photographer.
We had nice flowers.
We had a very inexpensive cake, very inexpensive car and no favours at all. We did all our invites etc ourselves.
We had 120 people (including children) for the whole day.

Of all the costs, proposal, wedding and honeymoon, around 20% became debt.

We had around £1000/month disposable income at the time of the wedding, without trying particularly hard - rather more now.

Is that everything you need to know to make an informed judgement of my wedding?

wanchai_2

I can't remember you PMing it to me, but if you did - sorry! I will delete it from my earlier post, and would have done so sooner if you'd said. I only had a vague recollection of the cost but I knew from other threads that it was pretty high.

It's easy to shout 'inverted snobbery' but I don't see much evidence of that in this thread. Just a few posters disagreeing with you. You're the one who aske for opinions after all - and you've made some judgements of your own about 'cheap rings' etc.

p.s. I've said this before and I'll say it again as I don't want us to fall out (!) - I like that you are one of the few male contributors to this board, and you are almost always a voice of reason and give a different perspective. So I hope that I am not causing offence here.