Young folks weddings: match "projected" quality of life?

Em88

I think we fall somewhere in the middle of most people on this thread. We got together very young (I was 14 DH was 15) both went to separate unis (some distance apart) and missed each other massively. We got engaged while we were freshers, with me choosing a lovely (but realistically inexpensive) ring. We knew we couldn't afford to get married for some time and that didn't bother us. Just over 5 years later we got married last month Our wedding was very kindly paid for mostly by my FIL (who could easily afford it). We did not compromise on anything and had exactly what we wanted, so our day reflected us perfectly, and I can honestly say that our wedding will fit in with our (even) now much better circumstances. I am on track to have potentially a very good career, as is DH and so within the next 10 years or so we could afford a much more expensive wedding. The only thing I would do differently is have been able to paid for our guests travel and accomodation. We had a small wedding (19 guests) not to keep costs down but because that is the type of wedding we wanted. What I am trying to say is we sort of went along the lines of having a wedding in line with our expected lifestyle but not because we wanted to make sure it 'fits' in with out life as a whole but because we simply didn't compromise on anything. As it happens even since last month DH has recieved a 10% payrise and I have agreed a 35% payrise for when I qualify in July so we are already better off than we were. The only thing we are doing differently as a result is getting a lovely wedding album, with more pages, done now rather than saving up and getting it as a present to ourselves for our first anniversary.

EDIT: I don't regret my engagement ring being inexpensive at all and would never want to change it because of everything it represents, i.e. that time in our lives. I simply got a more expensive wedding ring with diamonds in it that bring out the small diamonds in my engagement ring.

jtr2803

I'm another that can't quite grasp the point (sorry!).

I wouldn't class myself as young, I'm 30, OH is 32 but we have a fairly nice lifestyle and could happily afford a wedding costing upwards of £10k, but that's not what we want. I understand backing yourself to become or earn more, but I don't equate any of that into the looks or cost of my wedding....my career and my wedding bare absolutely no resemblance to each other at all.

I have read some posts on this thread as reading that a wedding and it's associated costs, and how it looks, somehow reflects how 'well' the couple are doing in their lives.....I think that's a completely wrong way to look at it. Everyone has different priorities and I really don't buy into this whole 'your wedding is the most important day of your life' rubbish either! It will be one of the happiest and most significant days of my life, but it won't be the most important. Personally, I couldn't plan my wedding around how I might be doing financially in 2/3 years time because absolutely anything can happen. How many threads have been posted on this very forum where B&G were in good jobs, booked the venue and everything based on what they thought they could save and then had something go wrong and been in turmoil over how to carry on?

Ours will be a small wedding, because that's what suits us, and as long as I come away as Mrs Apple, and our guests are well fed and watered, I couldn't care less how cheap it is, how it looks to anyone else, or whether it 'befits' the fact I earn a decent salary.

findingmyownway

OH and I are late (very late!) 20s and getting married this year. We are marrying to our current lifestyle (which incidently is very good due to us both having post grad qualifications and jobs). We could afford to spend much more on the wedding if we wished (currently looking at about £10K) but see no need to when there are so many other things coming up in the next few years we want to use our money on (bigger house, kids, maternity leave etc).


I can't imagine looking back in 10/20 years and wishing we'd done things differently. I doubt I'll remember a lot of the details - but hopefully I will remember being happy and enjoying the day.


I think anyone who does look back with regret is perhaps missing something in their current life? Focussing on the 'wedding' rather then the 'marriage' is something often evident in the planning stage... maybe if the marriage isn't great 20 years down the line then its easy to look back and blame the wedding rather than deal with the true issues. I honestly believe that someone in a happy marriage will always have other things to spend their time thinking about (maybe all those nice family holidays they can now afford!) and won't be whistfully looking back at the past with regret.

findingmyownway

Also - in my limited experience of weddings, its the cheaper more informal ones which are the most fun, and the crazy expensive ones have an undercurrent of scepticism amongst the guests - almost like the couple are judged to be papering over the cracks in their relationship with expansive castle and magazine-style weddings.

I'm not saying that's fair, but from my experience there is more than a grain of truth.

findingmyownway

And another thing (sorry, I'm on a roll!)

If you pop over to the 'waiting for a proposal' thread you will see there are lots of women who would love to get married, but their OH's aren't doing the deed. Some of their OHs have used the "I want to wait until we can afford a really special ring" line and it doesn't really go down very well. They would genuinely be happy with a haribo ring.

So in the case of the poster who waited 10 years to propose and have the wedding he felt was worthy of his social status, how would you feel if your wife had been miserable for years 3-10, waiting for a proposal that never came? If you were going to be together for ever anyway, then why not spend those years in wedded bliss rather than making her wait while your procrastinate and save to be able to afford to give your guests a free bar?

duchy

I've attended weddings that could be described as aspirational -eg the couple are punching above their current weight financially and invited people they want to impress socially or within work. To be absolutely honest I've enjoyed weddings where the bride and groom have made their wedding about their guests rather than about themselves more !

Also as I've grown up I've realized that just because we plan things a certain way -it doesn't mean things will turn out that way. I know couples who finished uni were well qualified in their field-and then realized the thought of working in that field for another forty years filled them with dread-and went off on an entirely different tack with very different expectations and didn't ever want to be the kind of high earner with no satisfaction (and money alone wasn't enough). Then there's ill health , we all assume that because we're in good health at twenty it will continue and we will be able to work/earn as we plan.

Expectations are one thing-certainties are another.

Idiophreak

findingmyownway wrote: »

So in the case of the poster who waited 10 years to propose and have the wedding he felt was worthy of his social status, how would you feel if your wife had been miserable for years 3-10, waiting for a proposal that never came? If you were going to be together for ever anyway, then why not spend those years in wedded bliss rather than making her wait while your procrastinate and save to be able to afford to give your guests a free bar?

If my (then) girlfriend were miserable about it, I'd probably have proposed earlier. As it was, however, we were pretty much on the same page about everything...although, I admit, having the ring etc was probably slightly more important to me than her - but last time I checked there were two people in a relationship? Surely the man has some kind of right to an opinion on when and how he proposes?

My waiting to propose, also, wasn't about being able to afford a wedding that was worthy of our status, more just about being able to afford the wedding we wanted...and when we were a) children and b) students we weren't exactly rolling in money.

We were quite happy living in unmarried bliss, so we waited until we'd bought a home together and could afford the wedding we both wanted before we got engaged.

Idiophreak

findingmyownway wrote: »

I think anyone who does look back with regret is perhaps missing something in their current life? Focussing on the 'wedding' rather then the 'marriage' is something often evident in the planning stage... maybe if the marriage isn't great 20 years down the line then its easy to look back and blame the wedding rather than deal with the true issues. I honestly believe that someone in a happy marriage will always have other things to spend their time thinking about (maybe all those nice family holidays they can now afford!) and won't be whistfully looking back at the past with regret.

I don't think this is necessarily the case. I'm not expecting people to be weeping into their handkerchiefs, cursing the heavens on their deathbed because they only had 3 rounds of canap!s, not 5...

LEJC

Surely its all about personal preferences...the type of wedding you have the cost of it and the even the ring you propose with....

I guess in the world of this thread I'm classed as "an oldie" not just in terms of age I was 24 when we married but more the fact thay I'm not recently married....we celebrate 19 years in a few weeks time....so weve not just the wedding or the honeymoon but a lot of life together too...

I/we had the wedding we wanted....as it happens it was very nice...but I dont look back on it as any sort of day to aspire to or befitting of our means now etc....I look back on it as the day we married...but it also sits up there with the day our child was born...the day he took his first steps etc...etc...but that might be because we are a lot further down the life path than the majority of the other posters on this forum and believe me as you travel together through life you probably will think less and less about the actual day and the money you spent on it and more and more about your shared experiences since...I can still recall every aspect of the wedding day,I'm very sentimental where things sre concerned,and yes I can still remember the financial cost of it..it was split between both sets of parents and us...but the main thing is I look back on it with fondness and love spending it with our loved ones and friends at that point in our lives.

On the subject of the proposal...yes you do only hopefully get one shot at it...and Ive well documented here over the years my lack of a proposal...but do I feel I missed out...not at all...and whilst I have a very beautiful engagement ring,I also own a rather stunning eternity ring and many other beautiful rings...some expensive and some very inexpensive...but all given with the same love and commitment to signify a special point in our relationship....so again for me its not about something being expensive or not...

In fact my non proposal story is still recounted occaisionally and for me is just as romantic as any "rom com"....6 weeks after meeting we were sat having a general where do you see you life taking you type of conversation, and he asked did I want to get married...I answered yes not realising that was his proposal and carried on with life...3 days later he arrived at my parents house unannounced to take me shopping for the ring ! he likes to now recount the story that we were engaged for 3 days before I even realised it...the wedding was 15 months later

Hopefully when I'm looking back in another 20 or even 40 years time it wont be with a regret that we didnt have this or that ....but that I've shared lifes ups and downs with the man I love....and for me theres no price I can put on that...

laurabllue

Torry_Quine wrote: »

You are a snob by your own definition I'm afraid. By the time we'd known each other 10 years we'd been married for over 8 years. I have to say I wouldn't go out with someone for 10 years as that says to me that this isn't the person I intend to spend the rest of my life with.

I'll have been with my OH for almost 10 years when we get married next year. In this day and age, establishing a career and buying a house isn't as easy as it once was and we prioritised buying our own place over getting married. This didn't mean that we didn't intend to spend the rest of our lives together.

I don't see anything wrong with that at all. Maybe it's a generational thing, but we got together at 19 and have lived together for the last five years so we're definitely commited to each other, we didn't need to rush down the aisle to prove it.