SIL cheated on DD

marisco_2

This is going to be extremely difficult for your daughter OP. However if her husband and his parents are determined to go for custody of the child, your dd has to come over whiter than white.

The courts will not care that your dds husband has had an affair or that his mother encouraged it. I am not saying that is morally right but their consideration will be only for what is best for the child, not its mother. If your dd wont allow any access to the paternal grandparents and appears to be unreasonable over this, it could be viewed as negative to the little boy.

I think the way her husband and his family have treated your dd is appalling. However when I read that she doesn't want the grandparents to have any contact with their grandson it didn't sit well with me at all. His relationship with them is a seperate entity to hers. By law he has a right to have relationships with all his relatives unless it can be proved that he would be at risk from them.

Tish_P

Has your daughter been the primary caregiver up to now? If so, his attempt to get custody will probably be unsuccessful as courts place a high value on continuity.

Even if your SIL's mum is the worst person EVER, try to keep a level head and don't vent about her to your daughter (or grandson when he's older). Her behaviour, bad as it may be, is not actually relevant to any of the problems at hand and won't affect any of the important decisions about custody, finances etc. that now have to be made. And don't forget that SIL is not a pawn! HE took the decision to start an affair when his baby son was in hospital. It sounds like you're trying to let him off the hook by giving her all the blame for that.

Best of luck.

juliep123

Hi
Just popped back to see how you are today.I have to say it sounds like your daughter is well out of it!
It maybe worth finding a family solicitor (i think you can get free advice or a free inital consultation) just to check her options re custody - hopefully it won't come to anything but better to be prepared just in case.
Best wishes to you both
Jules

jumpingjackd

Hi, thanks again for all your replies. Looks like the marriage is over and she is going to see a solicitor.
One of the reasons DD does not want MIL to have the child was he was very ill when he was born and frequently stopped breathing and was on a monitor for the first year. The hospital asked the family to watch a dvd on how to resuscitate a baby. MIL point blank refused, saying it was a piece of nonsense and anyway she had first aid training at work!
This is only one example of things she has done. DD not being vindictive, just concerned for her child.
Both parents work and I watch him plus 2 days at nursery.
I should add the SIL did not want his mother seeing child either.
Thanks again

Caroline_a

MiL sounds like a real nutter! However it also appears that she has engineered this marriage breakdown, but she will soon find that it will backfire on her. She will have to go to court to get access if neither SiL or DD want her to see her grandson, and it will be difficult for her if neither estranged parents want her to see him unless accompanied.

So she's shot herself in the foot basically. Silly woman!

skintchick

I agree with others that your DD should let MIL see her grandson, so she doesn;t appear unreasonable in any future court case, but she should make sure she has his passport safe. THe comment 'we only want the baby out of this' makes me very nervouss about what they might do.

HeatherintheHills

jumpingjackd wrote: »

One of the reasons DD does not want MIL to have the child was he was very ill when he was born and frequently stopped breathing and was on a monitor for the first year. The hospital asked the family to watch a dvd on how to resuscitate a baby. MIL point blank refused, saying it was a piece of nonsense and anyway she had first aid training at work!

What an unbelievably stupid woman!

If she cannot be relied on to do as a hospital asks for the welfare of her grandchild then no way should she have unsupervised access.

From the care arrangements you have described and MIL's approach, it is hard to imagine SIL being given custody.

clearingout

I agree with the comments above, having been through a residence 'battle' with my ex when our youngest child was a baby (others were just 2 and 5 at the time), that as long as your daughter has been the primary carer (which is what you seem to be saying), then it will go nowhere with the courts. However, you should be prepared for lots of mud slinging and every tiny little thing she ever did 'wrong' or 'bad thing said' around the baby will come back to haunt her. Just be ready for it as it's very distressing and an emotional rollercoaster. But it will work out fine.

Assuming everything you have said is correct (not doubting you!), MIL is a nutter (politically correct way of saying it!) and unfortunately is likely to fuel the fire as best she can. You have to hope that your SIL is big enough to stand up to her to knock it on the head.

Try Families Need Fathers for advice, as well as wikivorce.com. Both well respected communities in the separation/divorce/residence field. It will save you making expensive 'mistakes' with solicitors - use them as a first opinion and get a second from your solicitor when required.

I agree with sending the child with dad to mum's house for the time being. Express concerns in writing and make it clear that contact with grandma is fine on the understanding that she is not being left unsupervised with him - and in the same letter/e-mail, outline why (that she previously failed to take his health issues seriously and isn't appropriately 'trained' to deal with them). This way you have covered yourself from both sides - permitted contact but with trust in place and a reasoned explanation as to why you would be hesitant otherwise. You have to cover your back in this 'game'. Do nothing unless it is recordable via e-mail/text/phone. Say nothing at all that could later be used against you (so no 'you'll never see the baby again' in the heat of the moment!).

Should SIL's family keep baby following contact, you need to get into court immediately. Your daughter should warn her solicitor this is a possibility. They will know what to do - report to the Police (who will do nothing other than give you a reference number) and court on an emergency ex parte basis the next morning.

McKneff

I noticed in one of your posts that you felt like strangling him.

My daughter in law did this to my son, sodding off 250 miles away in secret, with my 2 small grandsons, I felt a lot more than 'strangling' her, and I bet you do too, but youre far too polite to say so.

Hope everything will be okay.

In our case everything came right five years late (wich was 10 years ago) I had a new lovely daughter in law and two more beautiful grand daughters.

It may take a few years but it will all turn out okay

jumpingjackd

Again thank you for all of your lovely words and advice, yes I do feel like strangling my SIL for being so stupid! He wants now to get back what he had! but its gone. Cant say I blame my daughter for her stance but do feel so sorry for her that she has to go through this after a relatively short relationship, why are people so stupid!

Quote: In our case everything came right five years late (wich was 10 years ago) I had a new lovely daughter in law and two more beautiful grand daughters.

It may take a few years but it will all turn out okay
So pleased for you that it turned out good, and hope this has a similar happy ending