SIL cheated on DD

jumpingjackd

First time posting on here and just wanted some views.

DD foned today to say she has asked SIL to leave as she has found out he has cheated on her for 2 years.
They have 2 yo son.
His family have never been supportive of them and her mil has said inthe past she would like to have her son with his ex and engineered several visits with them together. Clearly it worked as they have been seeing each other.
DGS was very ill when he was born and spent several weeks in hospital and this was when it started apparently. (with his mothers blessing)
My instincts are agreeing with her and say kick him out but there is a little child here who will miss his daddy, so should I tell her to try and patch it ot get on and make a new life?

GobbledyGook

I don't think you should tell her what to do either way. It's entirely her call and you should just support her.

The child will still have a father and he will be much better off with 2 seperated parents than unhappy together parents.

Tiddlywinks

By all means support your DD emotionally BUT stay away from giving any opinions of your SIL.

These are now her decisions / mistakes to make.

Also, bad mouthing her MIL will not really help - the MIL will not have had the power to break their relationship, your SIL had 'free will' and would not have been forced into anything he wasn't willing to do.

Relationships break down and sometimes no-one is to blame - the pressure of their child's illness may have played a part... who knows; only the two of them.

Support her but keep your opinions of her husband and his family to yourself as they will only cloud the issues for your DD.

jumpingjackd

Thanks, so far I have been totally supportive, asking if there is any way to sort it out, she says def not, I do agree but for sake of child I would like him to have both parents. DD will not agree to him seeing other grandparents although this was an issue before the problem of the affair.
His mother actively encouraged him to see his ex while his child was seriously ill in hospital

jumpingjackd

I simply dont know if staying together is the best thing for children or not. I did years ago and my 4 are happy enough, but is it enough? If there was no child inolved I would simply tell her to get rid but there is a little boy who wants his mummy and daddy!

pixelation

I agree with the comments above. Your daughter needs you to support her and care for her and her decision. She may change her mind later, so I suggest you do not badmouth SIL as that gets remembered.
Your grandson will be fine either way, but your daughter has decided she does not want to live with a cheating, betraying husband and that is her choice. Please support her.

Caroline_a

Please allow your daughter to make her own decisions. I served my ex with divorce papers and my dad told me to try again. I did, and 5 years later was in exactly the same position. It was far worse for all second time around, I have always regretted not following my first decision.

marisco_2

This news must have come as a horrible shock to you OP.

I aree with the advice already given, about not advising your daughter either way, over her relationship. Let your dd and sil decide between them how they wants things to progress. Just be there in the background to listen and offer as much support as you can when she needs it.

The little boy needs as much calm and normality as possible. Whether your dd and sil stay together or split up over this, their son still needs to have a positive relationship with them both. Even being as young as he is he will pick up on the upset and any negative feelings between his dad, mum and the extended family. This can be very damaging to little ones. Not at all easy but if you just focus on maintaining respectful interaction with sil, if only for your daughter and grandsons sake, the little boy will really benefit from this.

Slightly different circumstances in my case ,but I found myself in a similar position to where your daughter is now, a few years back. Can you offer to have the little boy stay with you for a couple of days, so your dd can have some time and space to think clearly and work through her emotions over all this? I certainly found that very beneficial at the time.

arbroath_lass

You simply cannot interfere in this. It does not matter what you think. Always remember you do not have the full story.

Your daughter is an adult it is her decision to make. If you try to tell her what she should do you will likely lose both your daughter and your grandson. Your daughter needs support not telling what to do.

This is a hard enough time for her without her own mother telling her she is wrong (she's not BTW - whatever she decides is right for her).

Your grandson will still see his family. The only thing I would say is try to highlight how important a relationship with paternal grandparents is. Maybe just in "I'd be devastated if I couldn't see DGS", though not in "you must" :eek: way. And do not talk badly about either your son-in-law or his family to anyone - this stuff always gets back.

January20

jumpingjackd wrote: »

I simply dont know if staying together is the best thing for children or not. I did years ago and my 4 are happy enough, but is it enough? If there was no child inolved I would simply tell her to get rid but there is a little boy who wants his mummy and daddy!

He still has his mummy and daddy!!!!

It will be much easier for him to go through this at 2 years old than say when he is 7 or 12 or 14!

Keep out of it and don't make the mistake of thinking that what were your choices should be your children's choices! That would be wrong and unfair.

juliep123

Hi
Really sorry to hear about your DD but agree that you mustn't get involved ( though if it was my DD i'd feel like strangling SIL and his mother)
Relate are very good and could maybe help your daughter sort through her feelings and it can be easier to talk to a stranger.
Best of luck
Jules