Partners Unreasonable Ex...Where does He stand?

FatVonD

clearingout wrote: »

there is no law stopping either parent introducing a new partner as and when they see fit. Much of it is down to personality and whether or not the parent concerned is capable of putting the children's best interests first. The simple fact of the matter is many mum's end up having to introduce new partners quicker than they might like to because of simple logistics - if they want a relationship, it can be hard to balance that around working and caring full time for the children so the two become quickly inter-twined.

What she said ^^^

OP, I imagine him seeing his children in the family home was an arrangement that existed and worked well for them before you were on the scene and it makes perfect sense to me being as how he doesn't currently have a proper home of his own to take them to.

Can I ask, OP, if you have children of your own?

Mojisola

gibboking wrote: »

At the moment after paying everything out he is only left with £100per week to live on - he is never going to be able to get a place of his own etc.

Are you sure he's only handing over what the CSA says he needs to? If he only has £100 a week left, that doesn't sound right.

BitterAndTwisted

The OP is sounding VERY defensive. If someone comes on and asks a load of strangers for their opinions it's foolish to get all cross when they say things that aren't correct because they're based on assumptions. Assumptions which were arrived at because not enough information was given in the first place.

After only four months I would be staying right out of it. Only the parties concerned know why the current arrangements were arrived at, and if this fella isn't happy with it, he's allegedly a grown man and should be able to voice his dissent with-out needing his hand held.

And I really wouldn't give a fig whether this harpy is bad-mouthing me to anyone or not. She would be nothing to me.

If she's claiming benefits that she's not entitled to because she's working and not declaring it, just bloody shop her.

Mojisola

gibboking wrote: »

Well, we have know each other for 18 years (we were each others first love, too young to appreciate it back then, but recently got back together after leaving bad relationships) we have been together for 4 months now.

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

After only four months I would be staying right out of it.

They may only have been together now for four months but they've known each other for years. That makes things a bit different to a very new relationship.

If I was getting together with a man with children, it would matter to me how the relationships were being managed.

clearingout

never ceases to amaze me how many of us ex wives have
a) abused our children 'cos we want to move on and have a new partner ourselves (and always the ex partner's new lady who is reporting this, never the ex himself, more often than not a new lady who doesn't have children of her own)
b) are defrauding the benefit system one way or another

I mean, if we all had a £1 for every time we'd seen that story on here, I think we'd all be very rich....!

Sorry OP, I don't mean to be rude. I know there are genuine cases and that ex's can be a pain. If you're looking for advice, recognising that there is more than one side to a story is probably the best advice you'll get.

FBaby

It is difficult to comment because the statement below makes no sense at all.

gibboking wrote: »

At the weekend it was arranged that on the sunday when my partner has his children, that he would bring the children over and I could meet them - they were all excited when he went to colect them. THEN the Ex turned round and said that I could only see them for 15 mins, and then changed her mind totally, took the kids inside and refused to let him have them at all.
She is now saying that I can never meet them, telling them all kinds of horrible thngs about me - she doesn't even know me!!.

Why would she be ok with them meeting you, but suddenly out the blue say only for 15 minutes (why is it ok for 15 minutes rather than more or not at all), and suddenly, she changes her mind and it becomes not at all.

To be honest, what it sounds to me is that your partner is very much telling you what he wants you to hear and believe rather what the true situation is. I suspect he is being very selective as to what he tells you and withdraw the bit that might put him in the best of light. You are still at the stage of the relationship where he will still want to impress you.

It seems that you are building the full picture of the situation from what he is reporting to you only, and that might not be reflective of what things really are. There are quite a number of typical statements coming out, that he is only left with £100 because of all what he gives her, the on-off nature of the relationship, the fact it would appear she was supposedly ok with you meeting the children and out of the blue changed her mind, her speaking badly to the kids about you (how do you know?), the statements around her committing fraud (again, how do you know having never met her).

I personally would take it all with a pinch of salt and let him deal with it all. You might discover home truth at a later stage.

shegirl

Op,sorry,but you should be staying out of it.With having a 4 month relationship it really isn't anything to do with you.Yes he can tell you things and talk to you but really,you should stay out of it and not be involved.

duchy

I'm a little confused if you've "known this man for eighteen years" and he has three children -it seems a little odd you don't know his wife (or children)-Do you perhaps mean you knew him eighteen years ago and have recently got back in touch ?

I'm thinking there are three sides to this story-his side, her side and the truth and he's perhaps at the very least putting the best possible spin on his actions to keep you sweet. Please be careful -rebound relationships can be tricky. People can change a lot in eighteen years.

sharrison778

Its probably fairer to say that both ex wives and new partners sometimes get unfair criticised/stereotyped on these board.

From my own experience and seeing what others have gone through, I think a lot (note, not all) of men handle money and child care arangements with their ex badly - but with good intentions. In most cases these fathers are trying to cope in a situation where there are no clear cut rules and they just want to make things as easy as possible for their kids. Sometimes this may seem like passive behaviour to outsiders.

OP, I dont mean this to sound like I am dismissing your relationship but 4 months is not a very long time in the big scheme of things. You need to let your OH work this out on his own for a bit longer.

If you want a long term future with your man, you have to understand that his ex will always be around. She's the mother of his kids. And as much as it might frustrate you, picking a fight over meeting the kids at 4 months is just not worth it. In the longer term, the less acrimonious things are between you, your partner and the ex - the better for all involved.

And if you think you've waited a long time.... I've been with my partner nearly 2 years and I still havent met his kids. I'm waiting til their divorce is final and the kids have time to sort their feelings about that. Maybe I'm old fashioned but I sortof view it as a way of showing respect to their marriage. I know thats a bit contradictory since we got together before they got divorced but the kids dont know that....

But if she's badmouthing you to the kids, its your OHs job to correct the record. Now.

FatVonD

OP, you say she's never met you but she's badmouthing you. You've never met her and you're on here doing exactly the same. All you know of her is what your boyfriend has chosen to tell you about her and his is possibly the most biased view you could possibly canvas. She only knows of you what he's told her so you may like to ponder on that for a bit too.

Re her changing her mind over the meet, she may well have had in her mind them meeting up with you for coffee in town and then he turned up and said he was taking them round to your house which is altogether much more involved for a first meet. Meeting a friend briefly to just dip a toe in the water is way different to spending time in somebody's home.

I asked yesterday whether you had children of your own because I was much happier with my son meeting his dad's current partner as she had a son the same age and was a mum herself than some of the younger childless girls he dated (including a long-distance internet romance that bought clothes for my son before she'd even met my ex husband, let alone my son!) who thought it would be fun to play mummies and daddies with my (our) child.