Partners Unreasonable Ex...Where does He stand?

BitterAndTwisted

You both left unhappy relationships to be together? So, in her eyes you could be the guilty home-wrecking biatch if the separation came after the new romance. I don't blame her for being angry with you and it must be a terrible temptation to bad-mouth you when she's still so angry. It's only been four months now so you really should say out of it as much as you possibly can. If he didn't spend time with his kids she wouldn't be able to work at all and then it would cost your OH a whole bunch more to cover that income. For someone in a fresh and new relationship you sound rather resentful and that's not a good place to be. Perhaps he was perfectly happy with the arrangements until you put your oar in, I dunno

duchy

Sounds like it's early days -if he essentially left her for you no wonder she isn't your biggest fan -and if only four months on you're trying to tell him how to organize when and how he sees his children-Maybe she has a point. Yes I am biased -My husband was blatently chased by a woman at work -and when we split I made it clear that I didn't want our son to have contact with her (I knew it wouldn't last and it didn't) or any future girlfriend until it was a stable relationship-and really four months is nothing-I was looking at six months to a year. My ex has respected that and his first concern was to make sure he had a stable home so his son could visit and stay (something I fully supported).

Your boyfriend hasn't got a home to bring the child to-surely that needs to be a priority rather than a temporary arrangement of expecting a child to be disturbed to make room for him.

He needs to
1 Regulate child support properly
2 Sort out legally what happens with the family home especially if there is a mortgage
3 Find somewhere to live so he can have normal access visits

2 and 3 can't happen until 1 is sorted so he can calculate a proper budget.

However it is early days -four months is nothing but it is time if the split is final that he and his wife start finding a workable solution so they can both get on with their lives instead of this odd limbo arrangement where he only sees them on what is now her "territory". That may need solicitors or not-but I think your intervention and involvement is not going to help so I'd keep well out of it and stop adding to the pressure by expecting involvement with the kids so early on in your new relationship. Time will solve a lot of issues especially if she is already starting to move on herself but forcing things now won't do you any favours.

Del_Astra

In defense of the OP, the mother has a new man in her life and living in the family home, we don't know how long that situation has been going on for. Its possible the mother was that one that caused the split, not the OP.

We don't know all the facts and are indeed only getting 1 side of the story, its very hard to offer advice, I think the 3 points highlighted by dutchy seem the most sensible way to progress.

OP whilst it must be hard and difficult for you, I would tread carefully for the time being and try not to get wound up / distressed by it.

rokchic

hey Gibboking quite an awkward one situation for you, I'm new here so hope I dont get into trouble for saying this but .......

I have never seen how it is fair that mum with care can introduce kids to new man or many new men in some cases !! but seem to then to also be able to control who the dad can introduce into their chidrens lifes ....... surely if mum can have a say in dads choice of suitable people to be around the children, then surely dad can have a say in mums choice of appropiate people to !!

In most cases I would like to think that neither mum or dad would choose people to spend time with their children that were not appropriate .........

the_cat

I'm afraid I have some sympathy with the wife actually..... I wouldn't want my kids meeting their dad's latest fling after just 4 months tbh (I'm not saying you ARE just a fling btw, just that the mum could easily see it as that) Equally as a dad I wouldn't be too chuffed if the situations were reversed.

The fact is that neither of them have the authority to impose this ideal on their ex, but I would fight the big battles first and in time once the contact and maintainance is more settled (preferably set by a court) and after a bit more time in your relationship, then start to see them.

It's a difficult line to tread. Your partner doesn't need her permission to do anything but to push it too much will only sour relationships.

When that happens the biggest losers will always be the children

gibboking

Hey thanks for all of the comments.
just want to make a few things clear:
1 - both of our relationships had broken down BEFORE we got together - there was NO BIG AFFAIR.
2 - I dont resent my partner having his children at any time whther it is for his ex to work or not - any contact he can have is great.
3- She has NO REASON to be bad mouthing me at all - I have had no contact with her whatsoever!
4- I simply posted on here ofr advice NOT JUDGEMENT!
5 - She is working 'unclaimed hours' and getting benefits that she shouldnt be getting, which is maybe why I do sound resentful about the working part.
6- I'm not desperate to meet the children - it should happen when everyone is ready - we thougt we were at that point and she changed her mind. But it has been ok to introduce her new partner having him stayover and going on day trips etc.
7- the reason my partner has to stay in the house when he has them is cos she doesnt want him bringing them to see me (which he wouldnt do anyway)

Emmzi

he should stop messing about and sort custody. He won't be able to move on while she is holding the kids over his head, and an agreement stamped by the court that he can do what he likes with them and take them where he wants as equal parent is required. This may mean less flex for her - bit every stubborn action has a consequence.

gibboking

Also, Their relationship had been rocky for many years and had been on and off for sometime. So its not like I even came along and ruined any chances of them working on the marriage.

She is getting in excess of £600per week in wages, benefits and free housing. as she is working and getting paid for part time hours and the getting paid cash in hand for the excess hours she does. If she is reported then she will loose that money and come after my partner for even more - and he is paying what he should b according to the CSA calculator.

I like the way that some of you are quick to judge a situation!

MissMonkeyMoo

hey, i can sympathise with you, I went out with a guy that had separated from his wife, was renting a house and had been doing so for several months before we got togehter. His ex would only let him have the kids twice a week - on a Tuesday for two hours and on a Saturday for a few hours. he wouldn't introduce me to them or even tell his ex about me for over a YEAR for fear of how she would react. he thought that she would stop him from having the kids as she had threatened to do that several times.

it is good that you are not rushing into meeting them, but I can certainly understand your frustration that the mother is allowed to have a new partner but your OH is not! Unfortunately, this is how people react in such situations because they feel it gives them some sort of control.

Your ex needs to start keeping a record of everything that happens - he needs to log down when he has the kids, where, arrangements, text conversations, verbal conversations etc. believe me, this might seem OTT now but you have to be prepared for the fact that this could go down a very length court battle and if your OH has been collecting 'evidence' from the start it will make things a lot easier. His ex cannot dictate who he introduces the children to, and if she is claiming benefits and the like when she shouldn't she is going to be unwilling for you ex to persue access through the courts. I am not sure how CSA payments are determined, but I don't think your Oh will get hit for more money if she stops work. If your Oh can demonstrate unreasonable behaviour - and that he has been more than willing and amiable to arrange childcare/take childrens feelings into consideration, no court is going to stop him from having access or restrict your involvement either.

best of luck.

clearingout

rokchic wrote: »

I have never seen how it is fair that mum with care can introduce kids to new man or many new men in some cases !! but seem to then to also be able to control who the dad can introduce into their chidrens lifes ....... surely if mum can have a say in dads choice of suitable people to be around the children, then surely dad can have a say in mums choice of appropiate people to !!

there is no law stopping either parent introducing a new partner as and when they see fit. Much of it is down to personality and whether or not the parent concerned is capable of putting the children's best interests first. The simple fact of the matter is many mum's end up having to introduce new partners quicker than they might like to because of simple logistics - if they want a relationship, it can be hard to balance that around working and caring full time for the children so the two become quickly inter-twined.

In my case, my ex husband introduced our children to the 'other woman' just 8 days after he had walked out on me swearing blind there was no one else. And he told them to keep it a secret from me. Needless to say, they didn't! This is all about his personality (he can do whatever he likes, it's none of my business, basically), the fact that he had moved in with her and wanted our children on a shared care basis so he had no choice but to introduce her immediately. It was a very wrong move for many, many reasons.