Gambling problem, debts, suicide, affairs, marriage break up HELP

lor6126

FATBALLZ wrote: »

Other retail companies can refuse to serve customers for whatever reason (except racist/homophobic etc ones), are you suggesting bookmakers have less power than other retailers?

Don't get me wrong, if people want to waste their money I don't care, but the above sounds dubious to me.

hi,yes in theory so can we, but what i meant was its not for the bookmaker to decide how much a customer can afford to gamble and im sure no other retailer has ever barred a customer for spending too much money. We are, however required to suggest places to go for help if we suspect there may be a problem.

londonsurrey

It sounds like he actually did her a favour, finally leaving her. I only wonder that she didn't do it first!

mydadhasagamblingproblem

I am going to try to speak to the bookies owner tomorrow ( small family owned business ) as advised by gamcare - as while he is not self excluded they have more of a social responsibility.

Gingernutty - mum has a fixed income and has never had any contribution from him so finances for her are ok, house is soley in her name and mortgage is small so that is safe. No debts are in our names but I do understand your point re desperation ( he's not clever enough for that level of deceipt) I am fairly financially savey so we'll all be ok (except for him). Think bankruptcy may be coming for him, think unsecured debts stand at £50k as far as I know, that doesn't include all the £100's he owes every Tom, !!!!!! and Harry.

Always_alone thanks for sharing your story, I don't feel so alone, sorry for your loss. I fear the same conclusion if the gambling doesn't stop. Take care of yourself and thanks so much for having the courage to share your story.

For those who ask why mum didn't put him out sooner, she wasn't strong enough. She feels shame, as if she is to blame. Her mother passed away recently so I think that gave her a wake up call and changed her outlook.

I really appreciate all your comments. Its helpful to see all the different points of view.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

I'd be concerned that he might try and force the sale of the house/get half of any inheritance that's on the way. A gambler denied their usual source of income is going to be a damn sight more interested in gambling whether or not she will give in yet again, or whether the judge will award it to him than scuttling away with nothing. It's a much higher stakes game, but that's just going to give him a bigger rush.


Like any addict - threats, punishments, blackmail are all part of the arsenal. And no act is too heinous to exclude.


Not to forget that you may like to think he's too thick to do anything else, but he's scammed a whole bunch of women out of thousands for years and years with next to no consequences. He's smarter than you believe.

mountainofdebt

lor6126 wrote: »

my dad, the shops probably have had a word with him, but unless he agrees to self exclude, their hands are tied.

As a bookmaker manager, i would have already pointed him in the direction of gamcare and suggested he self exclude but we have no more power than any other retail organisation over what an adult does with their money.

I feel for you though, i see many like him.

What total horse manure.

I used to work in a bingo hall and we had to be on the look out for problem gamblers (usually with the game machines that were on site) and if a friendly talk between the manager and the customer didn't work, the manager could exclude the customer for a set period

onlyroz

He has to want to stop. All you can really do is encourage him to seek medical help. Depending on how close you are and how willing he is, you could also try to help him control his money (e.g. taking possession of his credit/debit cards and cash etc).

Personally I would not recommend cults like GA, but instead go for proper therapy (e.g. CBT) which would require him going to his GP and admitting his problem.

But the bottom line is that you can't force somebody to quit an addiction, all you can do is support them if they genuinely want to quit for themselves.

Pollycat

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

I'd be concerned that he might try and force the sale of the house/get half of any inheritance that's on the way. A gambler denied their usual source of income is going to be a damn sight more interested in gambling whether or not she will give in yet again, or whether the judge will award it to him than scuttling away with nothing. It's a much higher stakes game, but that's just going to give him a bigger rush.

I'm no expert on family law but if your Mum & Dad have been married for over 30 years and he's lived in the house with her, even if his name isn't on the deeds, I'd be inclined to pop to a solicitors for advice on where she stands financially - unless anyone on here can confirm without any doubt whatsoever that he won't be entitled to any part of the house or any money that might be due from your Grandmother's estate.

mydadhasagamblingproblem

Pollycat thanks for the input.
He owns another house ( he thinks we don't know about) so if he goes that way she could go for half of it and half of his business I suppose.
He has no proof of ever making any payment towards the house so I think this should be ok - but if anyone knows otherwise I would love to hear your view.
Re Grans estate there is nothing after funeral expenses paid - she was a tenant and had no savings to speak of. Again thanks to everyone for their imput - it means alot.

Pollycat

mydadhasagamblingproblem wrote: »

Pollycat thanks for the input.
He owns another house ( he thinks we don't know about) so if he goes that way she could go for half of it and half of his business I suppose.
He has no proof of ever making any payment towards the house so I think this should be ok - but if anyone knows otherwise I would love to hear your view.
Re Grans estate there is nothing after funeral expenses paid - she was a tenant and had no savings to speak of. Again thanks to everyone for their imput - it means alot.

That may be the case but what if his house is remortaged to the hilt?
And the business is worthless?
Can your Mum prove that he's made no contribution?

I think you said that he may have to consider bankrupcy.

Your Mum may find she has lost half of her house and gained half of something that's not worth much.

I think you should advise your Mum to clarify her position.

I found this by Googling, I was looking for something different about a friend's marital split and remembered your post;
http://www.d-w-s.co.uk/articles/protecting-home-rights-under-family-law-act-1996

Here's the relevant bit quoted (I've no idea if this is accurate or I've taken it out of context but it would be sufficent for me to trot hot-foot to a solicitor):

It is a common misconception that if only one of you has his/her name on the Title Deeds, or one of you brought the property during the marriage that their partner has no rights and no financial right to claim. This is not the case, as the law assumes various rights of occupation, as detailed above, especially if there are children of the marriage involved.

MissMonkeyMoo

Hi, Most of what I'm going to say may echo the above but....

Your first priority must be your health and that of your baby. As hard as it sounds, you have to realise that your father is a very selfish man who has put his wants and desires ahead of his wife and children. Did he give any thought to your wellbeing or security when he gambled all that money away? As someone who has been there first hand with an ex partner, I have looked into gambling addictions, I do understand it is like a drug and I know how difficult it is to stop but ultimately he love for you and your siblings should be enough for him to want to get help and stop. I am not saying that it would then be easy or that he could change overnight, but just that the basic desire to want help should be there because as a parent you put your child first no matter what.

Your Mum definitely needs to go and get legal advice on where she stands. Jojo is right, your Dad will explore every avenue to obtaining money that he can and your Mum needs to take steps to ensure that the family home is safeguarded. The fact that it is only in her name is irrelevant.

I really do feel for your situation because all said and done he is your Dad and you love him. It is understandable that you want to help. My ex ran up debts of £30k in 3 years when I was with him. I thought something was going on but every time I asked him he denied it, said I was paranoid and that if he had a problem he would tell me. We had a joint account and all the bills and mortgage were still being paid so I had no proof that money was going elsewhere. When he finally broke down in tears one night and told me the extent of his debt, I found out that he had taken out credit cards and loans to fund his habit. Any time he won anything, he went and spent the money rather than pay it back. I stood by him initially - he wanted to put the debt on the mortgage but I told him that he wasn't doing that and he had to pay it all back himself even if it took years. We went to GA meetings, I took control of his finances and had to buy things for him - he wasn't even allowed 30p for a newspaper. he towed the line to begin with, but then he started doing cash deals at work and going and spending the money as he wanted. I have no idea if he was gambling with the money as well, but he didn't want to go to GA anymore and after a year I finished it. Even after telling me how much he didn't want to lose me and how sorry he was, he continued to lie and cheat. I bought him out of the house and he used some of the money to pay off some debts. I know he continued to gamble so he never really learnt his lesson. Sorry, didn't mean to bang on about my own experience, but wanted to let you that I have been there and so I do understand what it is like. The person in question has to WANT to get help; you can say whatever you like to him but the chances are it will not persuade him that he needs to stop.

You and your family need to safeguard against any financial threat that he poses to you; stay strong together but let him go on his own path for now. If he comes to you asking for help to beat his gambling addiction then it is your choice if you will be there for him or not. But you cannot fight this for him.

All the best.