Gambling problem, debts, suicide, affairs, marriage break up HELP

mydadhasagamblingproblem

My dad has a massive gambling problem. He recently left my mum after 30 + years of marriage because she would not lend him any more money. He's been having affairs for years - wracking up debt with various other women ( £30k we know about, he doesn't know we know this ). He owns a property he thinks we know nothing about ( mortgaged and remortgaged . He's running his business into the ground and he has threatened suicide. What do I do ??

Dad has always had a compulsive side, he took up gambling properly about 7/8 years ago and since then it has got gradually worse. In the last few years he got a £50K personal injury claim and it's all gone. In the last few months he won £10K on a Thursday and it was gone by the Sunday. He owns a small business which is going well except he gambles the money as soon as it comes in leaving no money to pay wages - then he asks my mum for money - she started saying no in the last few weeks, he left her this weekend. She's ok about it, she's had he fill of the lies and affairs. The house is in her name and he owes her approx £5K which she can cope with.
He is starting to get to the end of all available credit lines as everyone knows he has a problem and it seems he is starting to hit the wall re money - he has threatened suicide lots of times in the past but I don't think he's serious.

We have the same family doctor who I am going to see as soon as the surgery opens - don't know what he can do but maybe give me some advice.

I'm also going to write him a carefully worded letter telling him how I feel about his actions but obviously not too harsh taking into account his present mental state.

I'm at my wits end. I can't sleep ( I'm pregnant with my 3rd child and could do without the stress ) I just don't know what to do. We have all ( My mum and sisiter and me ) tried to tackle him about the problem, mentioning it any time money conversations comes up - but he's in denial. I asked if he'll self exclude but he don't think he needs to. He gambles over the counter in the same 3 shops - can't master online thankfully. I think the shops should have a duty of care to do something when someone has this level of a problem but apparently profits means more than people these days.

I welcome any advice no matter how off the wall - I'm ready to try anything.

Thanks for taking the time to read this.

p.s. I am an active MSE member but have opened a fresh account to deal with this matter.

kate1976

All I can recommend is http://www.gamcare.org.uk/ good luck and hugs

Emmzi

you need to stop making it your problem, remove support, and let him hit the bottom. easier said than done, but he has free will.

Focus on looking after your mum.

thorsoak

Sadly, although he is your dad, HE IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM! As others have said, concentrate on your own well-being, and the well-being of your mum - your dad is an adult, he is also an addict and he has to face the consequences of his own actions.

If you have written him a letter, then that might be enough for him to look at what he is doing to you/your mum - but from what you have posted, it wouldn't seem very likely.

Unless and until he accepts he has a problem, then there is very little you can do - apart from not funding his habit, and ensuring that your mum/their business is ring-fenced against him.

mydadhasagamblingproblem

Thanks for everyones comments so far

Thorsoak - the business is solely his to lose !!

Pollycat

I agree with Emmzi & Thorsoak, don't make this your problem.

Until your Dad acknowledges that he has a gambling addiction, things are unlikely to change.

Your letter may have some impact, but if it doesn't I think you should concentrate on your own family (and Mum), especially as you need to minimise stress at this time.

lor6126

my dad, the shops probably have had a word with him, but unless he agrees to self exclude, their hands are tied.

As a bookmaker manager, i would have already pointed him in the direction of gamcare and suggested he self exclude but we have no more power than any other retail organisation over what an adult does with their money.

I feel for you though, i see many like him.

Gingernutty

I can only echo what everyone else is saying - as long as he's not dragging you all down with you, it's his call.

Only HE can stop and only then when he realises it's a problem.

All you can do at this stage is try to make sure your Mum is 'safe' with a roof over her head and an income of some description.

Is the house your Mum is living in 'safe' from his debts? Are any of you going to start being chased for his debts?

You all need to check your credit ratings - someone that desperate for money could, conceivably have borrowed money in your names or committed other frauds.

Always_Alone

I don't usually respond to threads, but this feels a bit too close to home for me.

Apart from the affairs bit, i could have written this post. My dad gambled for as far back as i can remember, the family home remortgaged multiple times, my mom working 3 jobs as she was the only one who had money long enough to pay for bills, seeing my dad on his knees begging my mom for money to carry on etc. My dad also threatened sucide on a number of occassions.

Only thing was, my dad actually followed through with his threat I don't think he meant to, i think it was a cry for attention but we didn't get there in time

I was always a daddy's girl, always always stuck for him, even though i could see his faults. I cried with him, begged him, blackmailed him, bribed him, tried every available emotion i could to make him stop and realise the effect he was having on the family....nothing worked. Ultimatley, he was selfish and even having his kids beg him to stop fell on deaf ears

I think what i'm trying to say is unless HE sees what he's doing and HE wants to stop, there's nothing you can do. I know how hard it is, i've been there, and was there virtually everyday for 26 years

Things for me didn't work out so well, so i am sending you massive hugs and praying for a different resolution for you.

If you need to, PM me xx

FATBALLZ

lor6126 wrote: »

As a bookmaker manager, i would have already pointed him in the direction of gamcare and suggested he self exclude but we have no more power than any other retail organisation over what an adult does with their money.
.

Other retail companies can refuse to serve customers for whatever reason (except racist/homophobic etc ones), are you suggesting bookmakers have less power than other retailers?

Don't get me wrong, if people want to waste their money I don't care, but the above sounds dubious to me.

maypole

I speak from personal experience.

If he has left your mother, then it saves her from having to put him out.
A gambler has to admit there is a problem and then accept help. If they won't do this, there is not a thing on this earth that you can do. They have to hit rock bottom and even then some will not accept help.
They are in denial, they are the most accomplished liars and the money they win is not to buy stuff, it is for gambling again.

It is the most difficult thing to do, but you have to walk away before the gambler makes you ill too. You have done everything you can, it is not your fault.

The worst thing to do is give them more money, it is not helping them, they just gamble it, they will lie through their teeth to get it with the most convincing heart rending tales.

I've been there. Believe me the pattern is exactly the same. They are nice when winning and very depressed when losing.