Picking partner over children

GobbledyGook

It's so frustrating when you see someone doing something and you can't say anything - even though they just don't seem to be seeing the damage they are doing.

All credit to you though OP - my "father"'s wife didn't even want anything to do with his children when they were together, far less after they split!

fluffnutter

So... what to do about it then? I can see why you're still involved with his kids and it's great that you get on with their mums too. But is it healthy for you to be in a position where you run the risk of feeling angry all the time with your ex? Sounds like you're over the relationship so it seems a shame that he's still annoying you. It's always better to move on if you can. But whilst these kids are in your life, and he's behaving like this, it's always going to be frustrating. Seems like you can't win. To truly be shot of him do you need to stop seeing his kids? Not a nice thought. And if you're not prepared to cut all ties with his kids, you need to find a way of being able to deal with him that doesn't leave you angry and annoyed.

freshstart11

fluffnutter wrote: »

So... what to do about it then? I can see why you're still involved with his kids and it's great that you get on with their mums too. But is it healthy for you to be in a position where you run the risk of feeling angry all the time with your ex? Sounds like you're over the relationship so it seems a shame that he's still annoying you. It's always better to move on if you can. But whilst these kids are in your life, and he's behaving like this, it's always going to be frustrating. Seems like you can't win. To truly be shot of him do you need to stop seeing his kids? Not a nice thought. And if you're not prepared to cut all ties with his kids, you need to find a way of being able to deal with him that doesn't leave you angry and annoyed.

I generally don't get angry with him. I hate him what he has done to me, cheating etc BUT since I left him I tried to help with any thing I could, bills from when I was there I took on myself so he could start again staying in the house, giving him advice on a girl he fell for...I am truly shot of him, when he picks kids up from me its civil there are no personal issues with us anymore we are long over that.

Just this one thing is upseting and its not even at him its at anyone who could do this to a child. If a friend was doing it I would be going ape at them

Missli

There's not a lot you can do, although he should have kept casual relationships apart from his life with his children, as not fair at all. Why keep introducing new people into their lives, if not stable (very important for children).

His new girlfriend sounds well liked, but it will impact on the children if they split up after a few months. Just be there for them when they want, come what may. It will benefit them no end. No point in worrying over what can't be changed.

freshstart11

GobbledyGook wrote: »

It's so frustrating when you see someone doing something and you can't say anything - even though they just don't seem to be seeing the damage they are doing.

All credit to you though OP - my "father"'s wife didn't even want anything to do with his children when they were together, far less after they split!

Thanks


Exactly my point, if it was my brother or best friend male/female I would feel exactly the same! It just happens to be my ex, I wasnt asking what I should do cos I know its not my choice and the mothers have already taken action.

I am just wondering if anyone had the insight why someone could do it? Just escapes me!

freshstart11

I honestly am not asking what I could/should do, I did warn it was a rant at the start. Just needed to let it all out, so next time I do need to talk to him about whatever I don't blow up at him cos it will not help anyone if I do.

Four_leaf_clover_2

How old are the kids? One day they will tell him themselves exactly what they think of the way he treats them and the priorities he has. You are best staying well out of it and just being a part of the kids lives as a constant and someone they can rely on. Got a feeling they are going to need you alot.

GobbledyGook

freshstart11 wrote: »

Thanks


Exactly my point, if it was my brother or best friend male/female I would feel exactly the same! It just happens to be my ex, I wasnt asking what I should do cos I know its not my choice and the mothers have already taken action.

I am just wondering if anyone had the insight why someone could do it? Just escapes me!

Chances are he doesn't even realise he's doing it.

Some people just get so caught up in the whirlwind of "but this is the real thing and it's going to last" they forget that they thought that the last time as well.

Sadly the kids will get used to it. Both of my "parents" were like that. One of the final straws in my grandparents taking custody of us was that they heard us counting the days until my mother's inevitable split with her lastest vile boyfriend. Even at 7 we knew they never stayed for longer than 52 days after they moved in. (52 wasn't regular days or a rule - he was just the longest one).

j.e.j.

freshstart11 wrote: »

My ex husband has 3 kids, 2 girls & 1 boy (girls have 1 mum, my stepson another) He stopped all contact with his son a few months ago, as he picked his girlfriend at the time over him.
We split up slightly over a year ago, I have been in one relationship since, kids and their mums all love him (I still have access as get on very well with the mums) he has been in 8 from what I have heard from the girls & friends. He now is with a new gf

blimey, talk about make life complicated! :eek: :rotfl:

Honestly, I don't mean to sound rude, but given his track record what are all these women doing getting involved with this guy. The man seems to have a canny knack of getting other people to run round after him and take responsibility, while he does as he pleases.

As to how can he do that to a child, he doesn't seem to have that insight. Don't get me wrong, there are some wonderful fathers out there, and I'm not saying for a minute that all men are like him, but generally I think it's fair to say that men don't have the same emotional tie to a child that women do.

This guy just sounds like an utterly irresponsible, selfish person.

Four_leaf_clover_2

I agree with what you are saying to a degree j.e.j. I think the way a person is towards their child has less to do with gender and more to do with how they were raised. From my own experiences and watching friends and family members, people seem to parent in a similar way to how they were parented.

Men do have a very different approach to looking after kids to women, which I find quite refreshing.