Advice for a parent of a 13 year old....

spidersandsprinkles

I was just like this at that age, and it was only 10 years ago so I remember it pretty clearly.

As for the hygiene bit, maybe drag her along to the supermarket with you and let her choose some toiletries that she likes. Its amazing what some nice smelling shampoo and shower gel can do to get someone enjoying a shower. Maybe chuck some facewash etc in there for good measure.

When it came to chores, the one thing I can suggest is, if she refuses to do it, or sneaks away when you ask her to help, don't just do everything yourself and complain afterwards. This never worked with me. It took my many years to realise how much work my mum did around the house due to us just hiding in our rooms and letting her get on with it (which happened daily due to her not wanting to cause an argument).

With the clothes washing, keep an eye on this. If I forgot to take my clothes down to wash, or couldn't remember what was clean or dirty I'd just do nothing. Probably from embaressment. So it would get to the point where my mum would have to come in and pick all my dirty clothes off the floor and wash them which in my eyes was even worse. Somehow I didn't learn! Definitely teach her how to use the washing machine so if its gets out of hand she doesn't to approach you and get an earful she can just put them in herself.

The one thing I did without complaining was the ironing, when I started high school every sunday night I have to iron everyones school uniforms and my dads work clothes too. Maybe it was alright cause I could stand back afterwards and see my handy work hanging there.

I guess at that age its slightly a case of feeling like you achieved something or learned something. You washed and ironed and put on some nice clothes, you washed your hair and styled it nice?

miss_independent

OP, do you think your daughter could be depressed? Some things that you mention remind me of myself and all my parents could do was criticize me for being lazy until about 15 years of depression came crashing down on me last year and I had a nervous breakdown - they were the first people to say they wished that they had done something years ago as looking back I clearly started suffering from depression as a child and its obvious to them now, its not their fault but they feel pretty guilty.

You mention WoW, I myself hate it and what its doing to lots of people, I believe its destroying a whole generation of people's lives - they are living virtual lives instead of their actual lives due to it being so addictive and when they aren't on it they are preoccupied with it. Is your daughter happy and vivacious or sullen and listless. Does she have hobbies (apart from WoW)? Friends that she socialises with outside of school? Does she have energy? Does she get out in the fresh air enough? Does she exercise? Is she healthy? Is she motivated? What is it that she does INSTEAD of her homework? Her not doing her homework was the red flag for me. It would suggest that she doesn't care about getting in trouble, getting behind and not doing well at school. It would suggest she doesn't care about her future very much. Which is sad.

Just another thing, please don't think I'm being picky, but on the nights she doesn't have homework (and to be honest they should be few and far between!) why does she HAVE to do practice work or extra reading? I know that you mean well but she is less likely to pick out a book to read for enjoyment if she feels she is being forced to read. At that age, even though it is well meaning, it will be viewed as a punishment by a sulky teenager. Personally, on nights she didn't have homework, I'd probably encourage her to do something fun, go for a walk, bake a cake, have a nice soak in the bath or do some thing she might see as worthwhile and good for her self esteem (except WoW lol!). I can just remember feeling I had no life during the school week and on nights I didn't get homework I felt like I'd got out of jail! If my mum had then said that I had to do "practice work", I would have probably hated her for the rest of the week!

I may be barking up the wrong tree entirely with the depression thing but I'd hate to see a young girl go through what I went through, not knowing what's wrong with herself and miss out on some of the best years of her life.

anniemf2508

miss_independent wrote: »

OP, do you think your daughter could be depressed? Some things that you mention remind me of myself and all my parents could do was criticize me for being lazy until about 15 years of depression came crashing down on me last year and I had a nervous breakdown - they were the first people to say they wished that they had done something years ago as looking back I clearly started suffering from depression as a child and its obvious to them now, its not their fault but they feel pretty guilty.

You mention WoW, I myself hate it and what its doing to lots of people, I believe its destroying a whole generation of people's lives - they are living virtual lives instead of their actual lives due to it being so addictive and when they aren't on it they are preoccupied with it. Is your daughter happy and vivacious or sullen and listless. Does she have hobbies (apart from WoW)? Friends that she socialises with outside of school? Does she have energy? Does she get out in the fresh air enough? Does she exercise? Is she healthy? Is she motivated? What is it that she does INSTEAD of her homework? Her not doing her homework was the red flag for me. It would suggest that she doesn't care about getting in trouble, getting behind and not doing well at school. It would suggest she doesn't care about her future very much. Which is sad.

Just another thing, please don't think I'm being picky, but on the nights she doesn't have homework (and to be honest they should be few and far between!) why does she HAVE to do practice work or extra reading? I know that you mean well but she is less likely to pick out a book to read for enjoyment if she feels she is being forced to read. At that age, even though it is well meaning, it will be viewed as a punishment by a sulky teenager. Personally, on nights she didn't have homework, I'd probably encourage her to do something fun, go for a walk, bake a cake, have a nice soak in the bath or do some thing she might see as worthwhile and good for her self esteem (except WoW lol!). I can just remember feeling I had no life during the school week and on nights I didn't get homework I felt like I'd got out of jail! If my mum had then said that I had to do "practice work", I would have probably hated her for the rest of the week!

I may be barking up the wrong tree entirely with the depression thing but I'd hate to see a young girl go through what I went through, not knowing what's wrong with herself and miss out on some of the best years of her life.

I suffer from depression myself and have done for years so i kind of know the signs to look for. She knows she can come to me if she has a problem...we've always been really close and we can be quite open with each other.

As for her playing Wow...i know some people see this game as awful but we do restrict her playtime so shes not on it constantly in her free time, both me and her dad play too so in a way its a social thing between us.
She does have other hobbies and she is really quiet active and has a pretty healthy diet.
Shes still making new friends at the mo as we had to move her out of her last school due to a bullying issue.....she has been ALOT happier since we made this decision.

As for the extra practice work when she doesn't have homework, we were advised by her teachers of extra bits she could do as shes finding alot of the class work easy (shes working 2 years above what she should be in maths). At the moment she reads most evenings through her own choice...shes reading a chapter a night of Harry Potter to her brother (her choice not mine).

balletshoes

anniemf2508 wrote: »

if i'm taking the time to wash her clothes and fold them i'd like to know they are put away properly....i don't want her leaving the house in clothes that look like they've been picked up off the floor cause shes scrunched them up in a drawer.

I think generally you're doing a great job annie, but I also think you maybe need to let go a little and not expect so much perfection from your teenager.

for example - even if you do put her clothes away for her, thats no guarantee they're going to stay nice. My DD is 11, she puts her clothes away nicely in exactly the way I've folded them - and then when she wants something she rummages about in the drawer, scrunching all the clothes up in the process! I don't sweat this stuff, theres no point unless you want to be constantly folding and ironing clothes.

Also, the extra schoolwork you expect her to do if she has no homework - to me this sounds like a punishment in itself, and I'd lay off that, suggest it to your daughter as an option, her decision, and leave it at that. I personally wouldn't be including that in her weekly expectations that she has to do.

Maybe if she didn't have quite so many rules to adhere to every week, she'd be more accepting to the ones she's left with?

I like the idea of taking her shopping and allowing her to get shampoo etc specifically for her hair type, and only to be used by her.

LittleMissAspie

My hair also looks like I've dipped it in a frying pan two days after I've washed it, whatever shampoo I use (I'm always trying different ones, hardly ever buy the same bottle twice in a row) and I'm 34. Some people just produce more grease.

Oh and my boyfriend stuffs his clothes messily into his drawers after I have carefully folded them for him, and he is 30! We don't own an iron but it would be pretty pointless to use one anyway. I blame it on drawers actually, I have never kept clothes in drawers, always hung them in a wardrobe. I don't really understand why people use drawers, at best the clothes are still going to have a line where they've been folded.

gibson123

Annie sounds about right to me. I think you sound like a good mother. I just think you need to let things go a bit and realise that at 13 she is probably needs to be trusted and expected to do the right thing. I agree with others about the privacy of the bedroom up to a point. I let my daughters room go until it gets disgusting, then threaten to clean it up myself. As she is used to her room being private and she knows that I clean up her room with a big black bag which I just sweep everything into she panics and cleans it pretty quickly. Forget about rewards, she should do chores because she is expected to pull her weight. I now share chores with my daughter, basically if I am doing chores she is too. It really helps and motivates them if you can chat while changing the beds or hanging out the washing together. We also put on her favourite music and dance about the house when working together. In return my daughter gets to manage her own money, she gets an allowance of £150 per month to buy everything she needs. We do argue but no longer sweat the small stuff.

coinxoperated

:rotfl: can't help but remember myself at 13. Trying smoking, drugs, sex, drinks. You have it easy lady!! Wait till the serious stuff comes up!

On a more helpful note: I work with children in residential care and most are teenagers. Serious issues with hygiene and cleanliness. I would suggest telling them how much pocket money they can have each week if they do what has been asked of them (20p teeth brush x 7 days = £1.20) bed on time by say 9:30-10 for a 13yr old? (20p each time = £1.20 per week) shower every other day and wash hair (40p = £1.20 per week) etc etc. you could buold this up to about £10 a week of your finances allow it, and by doing this you can make her learn about independence and choices and saving. Open a bank account with her and show her that she can save 1/2 of her money in there for something big (game, trendy clothes etc).




There is the other route - let her stink. Give it 2 weeks and someone she has taken a like too will make a nasty comment. She'll scrub like never before then!!! Or maybe let her choose what she wants to use in the bathroom? A nice shower gel that is just hers or hair conditioning treatments you leave on for 30 minutes while sat in the bath (surely just sitting in water is better than nothing aye!)

Just please make sure you ensure she talks to you. A big mistake my mum did was almost alienate me by being over protective. I did a LOT of things no 13 yr old should do, and although I've 'turned out ok', it would of been nicer to have a mother I could talk to before she died hen I was 15.

Anyway good luck!

anniemf2508

coinxoperated wrote: »

Just please make sure you ensure she talks to you. A big mistake my mum did was almost alienate me by being over protective. I did a LOT of things no 13 yr old should do, and although I've 'turned out ok', it would of been nicer to have a mother I could talk to before she died hen I was 15.

Anyway good luck!

This is one thing i wanted to make sure of...i never had a great relationship with my mum, never felt i could talk to her about anything and still don't really. My dd knows i'm always here and will always listen and try and help if i can.

jellyhead

At 13 I was having so many arguments with my son, it seemed like we hated each other at times

Fast forward to age 15 and he showers every 2 days and does his homework - he has seen the light and decided what he wants to do next year, and knows that he needs to revise in order to get the grades required for 6th form. He now doesn't like the feel of dirty hair, and he has a girlfriend so he wouldn't want her to think he was unclean

The bedroom is still a mess - he hasn't yet seen any point in having a tidy bedroom. He is slowly learning that if he throws his jacket on the floor then the headphones that are in his pocket will stop working when they get trodden on, so he has agreed to hang it up (he has a peg on his door, so it's still in his room) but he is so stubborn that he resents being told to do things for the sake of it, if he doesn't see the point.

But anyway, things will get better soon, I'm sure

anguk

I've had two teenage kids, they're both adults now (youngest is 18) and I think the best thing you can do is pick your battles. I never bothered with how their rooms looked, I just closed the door, if they wanted to live in a pigsty that was up to them. If things weren't put in the laundry basket then they weren't washed and it's no good whining if something they wanted wasn't clean. I'd put clean laundry on their bed for them to put it away, if they didn't or it got crumpled they either had to wear it creased or iron it themselves.

We've never had the hygiene problem here, a gay son and a girly daughter meant it was difficult to get in the bathroom at times because they were always in there preening. Kids are funny creatures, they'll have a bedroom like a hovel, lie on the bed doing what seems like nothing all day, yet get up 2 hours early to preen themselves for school! The main thing to remember is it's not forever, in a few years time they'll move out!