Advice for a parent of a 13 year old....

anniemf2508

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Be careful if you have an ex partner.

Any attempts to deal with an adolescent bundle of dirt, body odour and rubbish strewn everywhere in those circumstances will possibly lead to accusations of child neglect and abuse, as whilst it is allegedly your job to clean up after them without the slightest murmur of dissent, if you upset said adolescent in anyway, such as by getting irate about finding used sanitary towels on the living room floor or by insisting they sleep in their own mess rather than throw the bed across the room and sleep on the sofa in front of the telly, you will instantly be regarded as the only person in the wrong. Oh, and it will be your fault if the adolescent says they are picked on at school for being dirty - presumably you are supposed to manhandle them into one of your two bathrooms and forcibly wash them.




Everyone else, let them do what they want or don't, you have the choice. But with a nasty ex waiting in the wings, whatever course of action you take is going to be undermined and misrepresented.

I don't have an ex partner so this is not a problem

anniemf2508

Seanymph wrote: »

Why do they need to go 'in the right place'?

They are her clothes, her room, her responsibility.

Why don't you fold, take in and leave on the bed - keep a weather eye for them going straight to the floor and being recycled to the laundry basket mind you - but I don't understand why you would give her some responsibility, complain that she isn't doing enough, but not allow her to put her own clothes away.

It doesn't matter to you which drawer they go in...... that's what I meant when I said I try to focus on the big stuff.

Her room, her problem. At least in this house it is.

if i'm taking the time to wash her clothes and fold them i'd like to know they are put away properly....i don't want her leaving the house in clothes that look like they've been picked up off the floor cause shes scrunched them up in a drawer.

miss_hh

anniemf2508 wrote: »

if i'm taking the time to wash her clothes and fold them i'd like to know they are put away properly....i don't want her leaving the house in clothes that look like they've been picked up off the floor cause shes scrunched them up in a drawer.

Again, you are treating her very childishly. Will you also be dressing her as an adult? She needs to learn how to put clothes in her drawer and if they do get wrinkled - out comes the iron....

I wash my daughters clothes, fold them, and then set them on the stairs leading upto their bedrooms. If is their responsibility to lift their clothes and put them away. If they dont, well then they will have to iron them.

You need to promote more independence in your daughter. She will need to learn this not only to become an independent adult but also so that she will be able to cope with running a house, a family and also her job when she is an adult. A hard task for any women.

AllyS

My daughter is 13 and I don't 'make' her do anything. She does earn extra allowance though by doing certain chores each week, keeping her bedroom tidy, hoovering once a week and dusting once a week. Her brother(younger) has the same chores once a week and I do it the rest of the time. Again I explained I couldn't do everything around the house, work and study, so please now they are a little older can they help me out once a week. Personal hygiene that is up to her, when she started getting a little smelly, I explained that I could smell her and so could others, could affect friendships, boyfriends etc.. I explained to her that it would probably be a good idea if she bathed everyday and carried deodrant I have never actually said she 'must' do it. She brushes her teeth once a day, but she doesn't need a brace so her issue is slightly different.

What I guess I am trying to say is explain things to her and let her make her own decisions that is what we need so as adults and in my opinion adolescence is guiding and teaching them the right skills for adulthood. Being a parent of a teenager is difficult and if I hear 'OMG Mum, do I have too!!', mainly at simple requests like, please can you get so and so one more time I could lock her in tower for a thousand years!! :rotfl:

I wouldn't put her clothes away for her either, my DD's is normally all over her bed everywhere, and her messy bedroom does drive me mental, because it is not to my standard (this is where a bedroom door comes in handy), but funnily enough when friends visit her bedroom ends up immaculate

P.s. with the homework issue, if they don't do homework they get punished at school. I have never once nagged my daughter about homework, she just gets on and does it.

POPPYOSCAR

miss_hh wrote: »

Again, you are treating her very childishly. Will you also be dressing her as an adult? She needs to learn how to put clothes in her drawer and if they do get wrinkled - out comes the iron....

I wash my daughters clothes, fold them, and then set them on the stairs leading upto their bedrooms. If is their responsibility to lift their clothes and put them away. If they dont, well then they will have to iron them.

You need to promote more independence in your daughter. She will need to learn this not only to become an independent adult but also so that she will be able to cope with running a house, a family and also her job when she is an adult. A hard task for any women.

I quite agree!!

My daughter has told me that she is going to employ someone to do the housework and cook when she gets older.

I told her she had better work very hard at school, get herself a good job then or failing that marry someone very rich;)!!

AllyS

anniemf2508 wrote: »

if i'm taking the time to wash her clothes and fold them i'd like to know they are put away properly....i don't want her leaving the house in clothes that look like they've been picked up off the floor cause shes scrunched them up in a drawer.

But surely that is for her to learn, if she looks untidy it is her fault not yours, you know you have done it that is the most important thing. If you are happy putting away her clothes until she leaves home then there is not problem, but if you do mind I would start trying to care a little less about if her clothes are screwed up

AllyS

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

I quite agree!!

My daughter has told me that she is going to employ someone to do the housework and cook when she gets older.

I told her she had better work very hard at school, get herself a good job then or failing that marry someone very rich;)!!

We had this argument with my daughter, she messed up the toilet and completely refused to clean it, it was really bad! So I said what is going to happen when you are older and she said you can come round and clean it for me Mum!! Well for the next 30 minutes she had a lesson on how to clean a toilet and afterwards she said 'oh, that was ok, I thought you had to clean it all off with your bare hands' :rotfl:

LadyMorticia

My foster parents made me have a chart at 16. Oh, the horror! I didn't even struggle to do my chores or anything. I did them all happily!

cookie_crumbs

Q: does your child give you the glazed eye look when you 'nag'them...if so I can help

TheConways

Believe it or, I actually had the opposite problem as a 13 year old with my parents. My parents have a slightly hippy-ish outlook, and dislike deodorants for the chemicals they contain (neither of them seem to sweat much, whereas I did massively as a 13 year old!), taking excessive baths/showers (need to save water!), and also thought I should not be shaving my legs at 13 (I was at school in the US at this point, and was mercilessly teased by the other girls who were shaving since the age of 11..)


Personally, anything my parents told me to do as a 13 year old was met with very strong resistance. I was messy, and I had my head in lots of places.

I'm a big believer that the more responsibility you give to a teenager, and the more you treat them like an adult when we're that age, the more they step up to the plate. It sounds like your reward chart system has entirely the opposite effect - making her look like a child, so she acts like one.

Some ideas
- Go for a shopping day together and pick out some new clothes. Get her hair done at a nice salon with a trainee stylist so it doesn't cost a bomb.
- Don't clean her room/iron/wash etc. I understand you want her to look nice (she's your daughter... No parents wants their daughter to look scruffy), but the more you push, the less inclined she will be to do it if she's stubborn. It might be a month of pain, but after that time, she will wise up
- Be thankful she's not looks obsessed!! So many girls are today. She hopefully sees that its what is on the inside that is important.
- Is she lethargic? Or just scruffy? If she's lethargic and doesn't care, she could be depressed. With so many hormones running around, it wouldn't be surprising.
- Have a cup of tea out and about together and have a chat. Explain your fears/concerns. See what she says. Don't be accusatory. Ask open, and not closed questions.


Don't forget that teenagers aren't rationale.. If she mumbles "I dunno", maybe she doesn't know why she likes greasy hair and smelly breath!