At what age did you allow your child out on his own?

CATS

Hi All,

I was just after an indication of wether I am being reasonable or not. My son is 12 years old, 13 in August, he has started moaning that I do not give him enough freedom and that ALL his friends are allowed out on their own shopping etc. Now, we live about 5 minutes from cinema, bowling and parks. I allow him to the cinema, bowling and park on his own with friends and I give him a time when he needs to be back. His friends live near by and I allow him to their houses also, again with a time to be back by. I also allow him to play outside our street and usually call him in by 7:30pm at the latest. Now I can see him from my window, although he sometimes pops to the shop (newsagent 2 mins from house) without telling me :mad:

His big issue is that he wants to go to the town centre in the afternoons (not all the time) or weekends to go shops. I dont really like the idea of him going to the town centre on his own, now I know its only about 15 mins from my house but I just dont feel comfortable. He says that he has stopped hanging around with some friends because they go and I dont allow him, this made me feel a bit bad but I still think I am being reasonable, I dont want him to go out just to roam the street like he had no place to go

He is my only child and I am a bit concerned that I am being over protective. He has asked to go much further afield which is a big NO and of course that makes him unhappy. He has recently asked if I could take him and his friends and drop him off at Thorpe park and then collect them in the afternoon, I am not sure if he is too young for that also ?:o

I am dreading this whole teenage stage so some feedback would be very welcomed. Am I painicking for no reason?

HappyMJ

Your house...your rules...but I think when they start high school then they can go out on their own during the day and early evening. The curfew times would then get progressively later each year until they have total freedom at 18.

I'd let him go to Thorpe park.

Owain_Moneysaver

well I was allowed to the corner shop at about 5, in fact the teacher would send 2 of us to the shop for ice lollies in summer.

what is so awful about shops and not parks/bowling etc?

CATS

Owain_Moneysaver wrote: »

well I was allowed to the corner shop at about 5, in fact the teacher would send 2 of us to the shop for ice lollies in summer.

what is so awful about shops and not parks/bowling etc?

Hi Owain, its not the corner shop that bothers me, as long as he tells me he is going, it's going to the town centre, big, noisy, big shopping centres, loads of people, cars ,buses etc

is that still too OTT?

meer53

I think you're being over protective. Making him come in at 7.30 is, in my opinion, ridiculous. My daughter is 11, and quite often, on Friday evenings and at the weekend, she'll play out until it starts to get dark !

If it's affecting his relationships with his friends i think you should relax a bit more and give him a bit more freedom, otherwise you might find he disappears without telling you. I would let him go to Thorpe Park.

gingin_2

My son is 12 and it is hard as a parent to give him freedom but I do do it, because it's my problem not his!

My rules are take your phone and answer if I ring/text, let me know where you are going and when you will be back - and I expect him to be home on or before that time, unless I receive a call/text. In return he gets to go just about where he wants. We live in the centre of a city so it's very easy to get where he wants, so it does make me more relaxed. He doesn't ask to go out in the evening time, so that is not a problem yet.

FBaby

On the basis that he is keen and confident, I would say yes to all he is asking. I think it is all reasonable.

My DD was 12 in December and has been walking to school on her own since September (so 11). Since then, she has gone further afield, and goes to town to meet friends regularly (medium size town). She has also walks her 9 year old brother to his friends a good 20 minutes walk away and they have gone to the park on their own when they are with their dad (in a small town). My son started walking on his own from school to an activity 2 months ago. It's only a 10 minutes walk in a residential area, it did make me a big anxious but he was keen and is doing brilliantly. I'm really glad I agreed to it.

I don't think age has that much to do with it, the first times are always nerve wracking, but once they get on with it without any incident/trouble, it is actually very rewarding for both the child and the parent.

newcook

From about 8 I was walking to school alone (15 minute walk and busy main road to cross), at 9/10 I was going to the town centre where the swimming pool was (had to go by bus) 11 I was going into the city centre to go shopping with my friend who got a different bus to me so we always arranged to meet at a certain place!
By 13/14 I was allowed out to the local social club (about 10 minute walk away) and was allowed there until 10pm unless I was able to get a lift back.

Let the apron strings out a little and let him get a bit streetwise – otherwise it will end up backfiring when he is older and wanting to be driven here, there and everywhere and at all hours of the day and night!

Jinx

I think you are panicking a bit CATS. I bet your son is a sensible lad and if he has a mobile and reasonable friends then I think you should be able to lighten up a little.

I live in Scotland where you can marry and leave home at 16. So when my daughter went to secondary school I had to give her the life skills which would enable her to do that. Among her friends she had the most freedom because I had taught her to use buses/trains/planes, read a timetable accurately - what to do in an emergency etc. Don't get me wrong, I still worried but I had to try and be reasonable about it. Shes now 20 and lives in London and I'm so glad I am confident in her skills.

I actually think it would be easier to loosen off in baby steps now than wait until there is a full scale rebellion that you cant control in a few years time.

CATS

aaarrrggghhh, it is so difficult, only thinking about it makes me hyperventilate!!!
the first month that he started going to school, 15mins by bus my productivity level at work dropped from around 2pm as I couldn't even take breath until he called me to tell me he was at home!!

I dont know how am going to cope, this is going to be very difficult but as my mum would say, "pay back for when I was that age"

heretolearn_2

I know it's hard as a mum and everyone has the right to set their own rules, but yes, I think you are being ridiculously over-protective/restrictive of him. the in by 7.30 is very odd at his age, ok in winter when it's dark, but why in summer? And as for popping in to town etc, why not? What is it you are really afraid of? He'll do something really stupid/get lost/go shoplifting/jump into a strangers car? The way to teach him not to do stupid things isn't to lock him in your house, talk to him, teach him, show him the right way to do things and handle problems then show him a little trust. Or are you afraid because you think he'll be in danger somehow/you just don't want him out of your sight? That feeling is NEVER going to go away until you start letting him out and move your parenting experience along. You will feel exactly the same even if you started letting him out at age 14, or 16, or 42. Letting go a bit is scary but it's part of being a good parent and not a stifling one.

What age were you allowed out and about? Maybe your parents were very overprotective too so you think it's normal. If that's the case, try and re-think - well, you are I suppose, as you are asking here. Well done for looking at the situation and not just going with your gut reaction. You do sound like a great mum, just let him go a bit. Otherwise he won't gain the skills he needs, and he'll be a mummy's boy you'll be begging to get out of your house when he's middle aged :-) Also he's going to start feeling very resentful if he isn't allowed a normal life - and going out on his own IS normal.

Take a deep breath and get over yourself, basically, he isn't a baby, he's going to be fine, the more you do it the easier it will become. Can you look at this thread and see you are being a little bit silly? I also would let him off checking in with you after school. It is NOT so difficult and I hope you were joking about hyperventilating or you really do have a problem. We all get nerves the first few times, no matter what their age. I've seen kids treated like this and it has a terrible effect on them if the parents can't get a grip. And the kids just start sneaking out and parents really don't know what's going on, so it's counterproductive for safety.

Sometimes constant checking just raises your stress levels. It took me a few years to get my parents to accept that I will NOT be ringing them when I get home after a visit to let them know I drove home safely. (and this was in my 30s!) As it was actually causing them terrible stress waiting for the call imagining me dead in a car crash or stranded somehow without petrol or phone (and god, if I forgot!). Whereas now I just say goodbye, end of visit, off I go, they forget all about me and go and watch TV or something. End of stress for all of us.