Relationship trouble

poppyboopoppy

He was engaged about 8 years ago and they were booking things, she cheated on him and went off with the other bloke and is now married with 2 kids. She cheated on her husband and one of the kids isn't his although he stayed. He didn't sound bitter when he told me about it he just said he is glad he found out what she was like before making the commitment. He also says he would never have met me if that hadn't happened.

We have spoken about winning the lottery before and he does say we could get a bigger house with some land and then we can get some dogs. He always involves me in the future if we manage to get on the subject.

He works hard and has plenty of money saved, no debts. I have no debts and manage to save too so thats not a problem. He comes home saying hes tired so that he can slob out on the sofa, if his mate rings to go the local he perks up and goes out after eating whatever i have made for him. This only happens once a week if that but it annoys the hell out of me when i ask to go to the pub hes too tired. Maybe we should call it a day and i can find someone that has time for me. I have never been in this situation before. I have lived with 2 guys before him and both of them were chatty and all over me, they both cheated which is why we split then i just dated weirdos til i met 'the one'

poppyboopoppy

Scooby i have tried to talk to him i just thought someone might have some dealings with this sort of thing so could advise me a little. I don't see the point in shooting anyone down, thanks anyway

peachyprice

Perhaps the reality of living together isn't quite what he thought it would be. 18 months is still a relatively new relationship so you must have moved in with him quite quickly.

Maybe he thought those heady days of first love would last forever, but in reality they just don't when everyday life takes over.

Has he ever lived with anyone before?

londonsurrey

poppyboopoppy wrote: »

He comes home saying hes tired so that he can slob out on the sofa, if his mate rings to go the local he perks up and goes out after eating whatever i have made for him. This only happens once a week if that but it annoys the hell out of me when i ask to go to the pub hes too tired. Maybe we should call it a day and i can find someone that has time for me.

I agree that it can be not only annoying, but smacks of disrespect and being unappreciated.

There are two issues here:
1 - you have to make the decision as to what his true "non-honeymoon" nature is, and whether it's what you want.

2 - don't make the mistake I did, which is to be a thoroughly amenable wife/daughter. Consciously find things to do for yourself - I went to belly dancing classes, and joined an environmental group and a performance group. It was a bit weird when I'd always been thinking of others, and I found it a bit of a stretch to be purely "selfish", doing things that were just for me, and didn't benefit anyone else, or bring money in for the home.

Basically, have reasons for going out, and he's not invited!

poppyboopoppy

We both have houses so we spend most of the time at his place nowadays. We used to always stay at mine but just before Christmas he asked me to stay at his and we could rent mine out.
We haven't rented mine out yet as i still have lots of things there that need sorting out but we will get there.
He lived with a couple of girls before and one had a daughter so he isn't new to sharing.

Wickedkitten

I work too and come home and run around after him so he doesn't have to do anything.

Has anyone got any ideas of how to get him to open up as i feel that he is acting like a growing teenager talking to his mum.
I have asked him whats wrong but he just says he feels pressured and storms off.

This is going to come off as harsh and I'm not having a go, but you are not not his mother and you're not his housekeeper so why are you doing everything for him? This is a 39 year old man who I'm assuming was managing to take care of himself before he met you, yes?

Personally you need to back off a bit from doing everything from him and I know you said you feel like you can't talk to him, but you need to because you only fully have your side of the situation to go by and you really need to get his before the resentment builds up to the point where it breaks you two up.

LandyAndy

annie_d wrote: »

When you are all settled and snuggly in the evening say, "Ooohh what would you do if you won a million pounds?"

Do his answers begin with, "I would.." or "WE would.."?

:rotfl::rotfl:

'I would give it all to you.'

Mojisola

londonsurrey wrote: »

Consciously find things to do for yourself - I went to belly dancing classes, and joined an environmental group and a performance group. It was a bit weird when I'd always been thinking of others, and I found it a bit of a stretch to be purely "selfish", doing things that were just for me, and didn't benefit anyone else, or bring money in for the home.

Basically, have reasons for going out, and he's not invited!

I would try this first...

Wickedkitten wrote: »

you are not not his mother and you're not his housekeeper so why are you doing everything for him? This is a 39 year old man who I'm assuming was managing to take care of himself before he met you, yes?

Personally you need to back off a bit from doing everything from him and I know you said you feel like you can't talk to him, but you need to because you only fully have your side of the situation to go by and you really need to get his before the resentment builds up to the point where it breaks you two up.

combined with this advice.

poppyboopoppy wrote: »

We both have houses so we spend most of the time at his place nowadays. We used to always stay at mine but just before Christmas he asked me to stay at his and we could rent mine out.

We haven't rented mine out yet as i still have lots of things there that need sorting out but we will get there.

If that doesn't change his attitude/behaviour, I would move home for a spell and see if the relationship is better if you live separately.

By that stage, I'd also be seriously considering whether he was worth all the effort!

scooby088

I think any new relationship we have, we do take baggage with us into any new relationship that's a fact, it makes us more wary about letting our guard down. From what you have said OP he feels strongly enough for you to talk about marriage and even purchase a ring, but in his mind that commitment also associates cheating from a previous partner. I know not everyone is the same but then again he has been hurt in the past. Maybe this has a bearing on his mind as to why he pushes you away, if so only you can reassure him that nothing like that will happen again.

Mojisola

scooby088 wrote: »

I think any new relationship we have, we do take baggage with us into any new relationship that's a fact, it makes us more wary about letting our guard down. From what you have said OP he feels strongly enough for you to talk about marriage and even purchase a ring, but in his mind that commitment also associates cheating from a previous partner. I know not everyone is the same but then again he has been hurt in the past. Maybe this has a bearing on his mind as to why he pushes you away, if so only you can reassure him that nothing like that will happen again.

But until the man will talk to her, she's rounding in circles trying to guess what the problem is. It may be something completely different.

For a relationship to work, there has to be communication between the couple.