Relationship trouble

poppyboopoppy

Hi i am feeling a little bit lost and unsure what to do. I am 40 and my boyfriend is 39. We have been together about 18 months.

When we first got together there was an instant attraction and we have been so happy together. Recently he has withdrawn from me, not giving me more than one word answers and just being grumpy. Now we have both been in long term relationships before but never married or had kids. As our relationship grew we talked about getting married and kids, he went out and bought a ring which i only know about because he left a receipt in the kitchen. I never asked him anything and just waited for him to propose. Six months has passed and he hasn't asked me, we had a lovely romantic holiday just after christmas and he had loads of chances to do it. He is always tired when he comes home and i don't push him into talking i just chat about everyday things that we used to always chat about when he came home. If his phone rings or one of the neighbours is chatting to him he is all smiles and laughter so theres something that i've done to make him hate me.

He used to rush in from work and grab hold of me kissing and cuddling, now i get a peck on the cheek if i'm lucky on his way out to work. I work too and come home and run around after him so he doesn't have to do anything.

Has anyone got any ideas of how to get him to open up as i feel that he is acting like a growing teenager talking to his mum.
I have asked him whats wrong but he just says he feels pressured and storms off.

Sorry for it being a bit vague but i don't know how to put it, alll i know is if it carries on like this then i'll be gone and i don't think i'll find anyone like he used to be. Believe me i have dated some weirdos lol

19lottie82

hmmmmm it could be a number of things tbh.......

is he depressed? people can seem ok with others but take it out on those closest to them?

do you think there is a possibility that he's cheating on you?

poppyboopoppy

I had thought about him cheating but there are no real signs of this. I see him during the day as i am mobile so i know the jobs he is on. Hes hiding it very well if he is. He never stays out after work and if he goes out its to our local pub.
I suppose the depression would make sense but i need him to open up first so that i can suggest he sees the doctor. Its not like we argue he just clams up around me.

SavingPennies_2

Acting different in front of the neighbours doesnt necessarily mean he's upset with you. Ive done it plenty of times, it's just some people dont want to show thier true feelings in front of people they dont know so well. He could be putting on an act for them.

Or is he getting cold feet about marriage and babies, after all given your age I assume you will be wanting to move quickly? Theres only one way to find out, bite the bullet and ask him..

londonsurrey

poppyboopoppy wrote: »

If his phone rings or one of the neighbours is chatting to him he is all smiles and laughter so theres something that i've done to make him hate me.

That would be crediting you with too much power. TBH I suspect that the odds are that he's simply gotten comfortable and taking you for granted. He'd probably act like this with any half compliant female, now that he doesn't feel the need to impress you and the honeymoon hormones have worn out. In other words, you're getting a glimpse of what the next 40 year with him will actually be like!

How does his dad treat his mum, and how has he treated his mum and his ex-girlfriends?

This is a bit of an extreme example, but I know of someone who was told by her OH that she was a bit like an old pair of slippers, not up to much, but too comfy to warrant throwing away. Gee thanks!
She tartly responded that had he considered that the old slippers might be happier on more appreciative feet. That threw him.

poppyboopoppy

I have never even considered getting married or having kids until i met him. I still don't feel the need to rush its all him wanting these things which has made me want them too. I can see us having a long happy life together if i can get him to open up.
He always says if i have a problem i can speak to him but recently i can't.

quantumleap

Could it simply be that he has been unmarried and without children for so long that the very real prospect of it all happening has made him panic a little. I think this is much more likely than sudden depression to be honest.

Perhaps he bought the ring and then it suddenly dawned on him what might happen - wife, kids, serious commitment. I'd imagine it's a frightening prospect for a guy who hasn't had to think of these things until almost 40 years old.


I'm a 38 year old man by the way and whilst I am married with 3 young kids, I didn't get married until 30 and didn't have kids until 31 and I can tell you it scared the bejesus out of me!!


Have you approached him about that?

annie_d

When you are all settled and snuggly in the evening say, "Ooohh what would you do if you won a million pounds?"

Do his answers begin with, "I would.." or "WE would.."?

SavingPennies_2

poppyboopoppy wrote: »

I have never even considered getting married or having kids until i met him. I still don't feel the need to rush its all him wanting these things which has made me want them too. I can see us having a long happy life together if i can get him to open up.
He always says if i have a problem i can speak to him but recently i can't.

Hm don't know what to suggest, sounds like a) hes got cold feet about the relationship or b) theres something else playing on his mind..money/a problem at work? You mention he's always tired when he comes home..

scooby088

Rather coming onto an internet forum to garnish advice, wouldn't it be wise to discuss this with your partner. A lot of relationships are let down with the lack of communication about what everyone wants. I will probably get shot down for what I have just said. I am sorry but talk to your partner and don't let things fester in your mind.

Mojisola

poppyboopoppy wrote: »

I have asked him whats wrong but he just says he feels pressured and storms off.

This makes things very difficult. If he won't talk to you, there's nothing you can do to help him or change things at home.