Looking for help from those with an Asperger partner.

*Robin*

FlacosFloozie, SmallL and londonsurrey, have tried to pm you (but "sent" box says it's empty so ??).

Gazing_On_Sunsets

Someone with Aspergers (depending on where on the spectrum they are, of course) can learn. They can learn socially appropriate models of behaviour, generally. But you do have to be absolutely clear on what you want and expect and why, you have to be as logical as possible.

People with Aspergers still all the usual feelings but they just don't always get expressed in the more recognisable ways. A lot goes on in the head and sometimes they can forget the rest of the world doesn't know what's "obvious" to them. A partner with Aspergers, for example, may have told their partner that they love them - and that's it. They've been told. As far as the Asperger's person is concerned, well, the partner's been told so they know and they don't need to be told again. Ever. It's rather clear-cut.

Control of something....well there's a lot of issues there. You need to talk with him about what and why. You've not given details so maybe what I say is not relevant. But it's funny how being in control of something is very important and it can have a lot more layered relevance to that person than what's on the surface. It might not be *whats* being controlled as much as just the control.

No-one likes to be told to change and someone with Aspergers can be as stubborn and contrary as anyone else....

purple.sarah

I am the one with Aspergers in my relationship but I found this information online that I thought might help.

From the perspective of a person with Aspergers I thought these points were particularly useful:

• "Be explicit, clear, concise, logical and non-emotional
• Say what you mean and mean what you say
• Be very clear to state all expectations and needs, even if it seems obvious...
• • AS traits are exacerbated with stress and increased anxiety

• Do not attempt to negotiate when stress or anxiety is high, theory of mind/empathy at a minimum, talk calmly when the stress has passed
• Do not take things personally because lack of perspective and heightened emotion can lead to blaming
• Communicate clearly, verbally or in writing, about your perspective during a calm time"

I also agree with the advice "Don’t go it alone! Get help from professionals who understand AS and its impact on marriage." Perhaps you would both benefit from seeing a relationship counsellor who understands Aspergers.

You mention you are in a situation where your husband must relinquish 'control' which he is resisting. Relinquishing control can be scary for anyone but especially someone with Aspergers who may already find the world frightening and confusing and feel like they do not have much control in their life. If he is refusing to 'let go' of something maybe it is because he is afraid of the alternative or the uncertainty. Maybe he needs time to get used to the idea, in the past I have rejected suggestions from my husband before realizing he was actually right! I am sure the situation is very frustrating for you but your husband is probably frustrated by his feelings too and not trying to annoy you. I hope you two can work it out. If I can offer any help or insight please PM me.

Doom_and_Gloom

My fiance is on the autistic spectrum - aspergers.
It is difficult at times living with him but then I am also (I don't have aspergers but I have mobility issues).
PM me if you want to. If I can I will try and help.

PasturesNew

Well, I'm an Aspie, but I've no partner and don't live with an Aspie. I'm a hermit.... I'm rubbish with people, so can't share.

purple.sarah

VfM4meplse wrote: »

Whilst you have my total sympathy, I'd be fascinated to know how anyone engages emotionally with an individual with Asperger's.

I've had an experience with a sociopath and the answer was to get rid asap. I appreciate that Aspergers is quite different though.

I'm sorry to hear you had that experience but someone with Aspergers is very different to a sociopath. I don't know much about sociopaths but I have read that they feel absolutely no guilt and cannot love. I have Aspergers and I am capable of both of those feelings.

Pechow

As another person with Asperger's, reading this thread and the replies in it is quite interesting, in various ways!

If I could add anything to the discussion, it would be this: to anyone reading, please keep in mind it is a spectrum disorder, and as such not all people with ASDs are the same. Some pass for 'normal' members of society that have a few weird quirks, some can barely function, and there is a huge variety in between.

Karb

I have Aspergers, but it's fairly mild. Happy for you to contact me via pm.

aspergerssupport

*Robin* wrote: »

Don't want to splash our problem on the public board, but if you've clicked on this thread because you too are living with a partner who has Aspergers, then I'd love to hear from you by pm.

Am in need of some effective coping strategies from someone who truly understands the difficulties.

Thanks for reading.

Hi, I have been living in an NT/AS relationship for 8 years and after lots of hard work I have a successful marriage for both myself an my aspie husband. There are many coping strategies that enable you to communicate effectively with each other. In order to give you some more specific advice can you tell me a bit more detail about where you are struggling.

*Robin*

Thank you so much to everyone who posted here or pm'd me. I apologise sincerely to those I didn't have time to get back to: When I started this thread my DH and I were on the brink of a crisis. The flashpoint arrived, threw us down a metaphorical waterfall, and now in the aftermath we are managing to communicate more effectively.

I have learned from the excellent advice given, to split up what my DH could only see as one insurmountable problem, into many smaller challenges. We are tackling these separately now which does seem to help DH get his head around what is happening, and must be done.

One particular challenge we are facing is not unusual among Aspies: Insomnia.

Like many others, DH has terrible problems falling asleep and staying asleep. 35 years ago he found a solution inside a green bottle. Ever since, he started drinking after getting home from work and slowly consumed one to two bottles of wine a night. Every night. My objections were met by a brick wall; a minimum of one bottle a night was non-negotiable.
In fairness DH never became unpleasant or violent; he'd just spout increasing garbage until wobbling up to bed - where he'd sleep soundly for exactly eight hours.

The effects of such consumption are predictable, and indeed DH now has liver disease. For the past couple of months he has not been able to drink. Quite aside from all the problems of his illness, DH feels he is slowly being driven insane because the ability to sleep for longer than a couple of hours a night has left him.

So I'd like to ask the AS people who are affected by insomnia, please: How do you cope with it? Have you found anything - less damaging than alcohol - that works for you?