Looking for help from those with an Asperger partner.

*Robin*

Don't want to splash our problem on the public board, but if you've clicked on this thread because you too are living with a partner who has Aspergers, then I'd love to hear from you by pm.

Am in need of some effective coping strategies from someone who truly understands the difficulties.

Thanks for reading.

VfM4meplse

Whilst you have my total sympathy, I'd be fascinated to know how anyone engages emotionally with an individual with Asperger's.

I've had an experience with a sociopath and the answer was to get rid asap. I appreciate that Aspergers is quite different though.

Tiddlywinks

*Robin* wrote: »

Don't want to splash our problem on the public board, but if you've clicked on this thread because you too are living with a partner who has Aspergers, then I'd love to hear from you by pm.

Am in need of some effective coping strategies from someone who truly understands the difficulties.

Thanks for reading.

There seem to be loads of websites that offer some insight. I googled 'aspergers+partner' and this was the first of many:

http://www.experienceproject.com/groups/My-Spouse-Or-Partner-Has-Aspergers-Syndrome/168826

http://www.aspires-relationships.com/

Afraid I have no first hand experience but I worked with someone whose partner had aspergers and it was frustrating sometimes for her to cope with the lack of empathy she needed when things got tough.

Like not getting a promotion and feeling upset but her partner stating matter of factly that it was a long shot anyway and probably didn't fit her skill-set and then going back to his computer or telling her she was putting on weight without realising the impact of the statement etc. She found it hard to understand that her partner wasn't making judgements about her, just being factual, and that was his way.

VfM4meplse wrote: »

I've had an experience with a sociopath and the answer was to get rid asap. I appreciate that Aspergers is quite different though.

So why say it? It sort if suggests that the same "get rid" applies which is not helpful to someone looking to connect with others for support.

*Robin*

Tiddlywinks, thanks for your very sympathetic reply. Yes I have seen both those sites, and more, in my search for information. The first site you linked to seems to be somewhere to rant, to tell the world your story - which will not help, unfortunately. The second is like all the other specialist Aspie forum-type sites I've come across; very slow. The latest post on that second link was on April 5th.

I thought it might be worth asking here as MSE is such a brilliant source of knowledge and support for - well, pretty much every subject!

The odds on there being at least a few MSErs with Aspie partners seems likely.. Isn't it?

Tiddlywinks

There are definitely mums on here with experience but I'm not sure about partners - maybe they have just not mentioned it.

Are there any groups local to you for people with aspergers? They may be able to put you in touch with others in the same situation.

Otherwise, why not post on here anyway - you never know, someone might use google in the future, find this thread and then you can have a conversation.

I really hope you find someone else to share with because when you need to talk, you need to talk.

Humphrey10

*Robin* wrote: »

if you've clicked on this thread because you too are living with a partner who has Aspergers, then I'd love to hear from you by pm.

Am in need of some effective coping strategies from someone who truly understands the difficulties.

I used to. All I can say is, never again.

re: coping strategies - it's not your problem, you are not the one with the mental disorder. If the person with the problem, the mental disorder, takes the view that he/she is perfect and gifted (because there are loads of websites out there that say 'aspies' are wonderful and gifted) and the WHOLE WORLD should adjust to them, rather than them adjusting to the world, there is nothing you can do.

when_will_it_end

wow are you my sister?

she finds it very very difficult sometimes, we have many many chats
she has found that learning at much as possile about it and learning to read between the lines whilst bitting her tongue helps, sometimes, i my self dont think i would cope a well as she does, my hat goes off to you

blissfulbabe

Humphrey10 wrote: »

I used to. All I can say is, never again.

re: coping strategies - it's not your problem, you are not the one with the mental disorder. If the person with the problem, the mental disorder, takes the view that he/she is perfect and gifted (because there are loads of websites out there that say 'aspies' are wonderful and gifted) and the WHOLE WORLD should adjust to them, rather than them adjusting to the world, there is nothing you can do.

Aspergers is NOT a 'mental disorder', it is better described as a developmental disorder (the same as dyslexia and dyspraxia). It is a disability that can cause great distress to both the person and the people who care for them.

Living with and/or working with Aspies can be both wonderful and frustrating at the same time but the biggest cause of frustration and worry are attitudes like the one expressed above. Aspergers is not a choice and it is not curable - to imply that Aspies believe they are perfect and therefore the cause of their problems is both unkind and unfair. Many people with Aspergers are very aware they are different and are seen as strange - but they simply can't work out what they need to do fit in.

We live in a society that, on the whole, accepts we should make adjustments for people with disabilities such as visual impairment and mobility difficutlies and both legally and morally we are required to make adjustments for hidden difficulties, including Aspergers. Perhaps one adjustment should be not to be so judgemental about people with Aspergers?

Humphrey10

blissfulbabe wrote: »

Aspergers is NOT a 'mental disorder', it is better described as a developmental disorder (the same as dyslexia and dyspraxia). It is a disability that can cause great distress to both the person and the people who care for them.

OK, mental disability if you prefer - it is classed as a disability, and it is mental not physical. But personally I don't believe everyone with asperger's syndrome should be considered disabled, there are degrees of it, which is why personally I think 'disorder' (as in ASD) is better than 'disability'.

blissfulbabe wrote: »

Living with and/or working with Aspies can be both wonderful and frustrating at the same time but the biggest cause of frustration and worry are attitudes like the one expressed above. Aspergers is not a choice and it is not curable - to imply that Aspies believe they are perfect and therefore the cause of their problems is both unkind and unfair.

You've just described living or working with someone with Asperger's Syndrome as wonderful. Many parents describe their children with Asperger's as 'a gift'. You've used a cute pet name 'Aspie' to describe a disability. You can see how this sort of language leads some (not all!) people with to come to believe they are god's gift to the world.

blissfulbabe wrote: »

Many people with Aspergers are very aware they are different and are seen as strange - but they simply can't work out what they need to do fit in.

My problem is when they are told what to do to fit in, but choose not to do it out of arrogance. Again this is not all people with Asperger's. Tiddlywinks used the example of someone telling someone else they had put on weight. That's OK the first time, but if you say to them 'don't tell people they are fat, it's not polite', and the response is 'politeness is nonsense, it just lying, I tell the truth, I will tell fat people they are fat if I want, I don't care what you neurotypicals think' - that is NOT OK.
'I don't see why I should' was the response I often got from the evil, aggressive, arrogant !!!!!!! in question. Of course you don't see why you should, there is something WRONG WITH YOUR BRAIN, that is why I am kindly telling you and trying to help you, eg you should not answer the door in your underwear, you might not mind but other people do!

blissfulbabe wrote: »

We live in a society that, on the whole, accepts we should make adjustments for people with disabilities such as visual impairment and mobility difficutlies and both legally and morally we are required to make adjustments for hidden difficulties, including Aspergers. Perhaps one adjustment should be not to be so judgemental about people with Aspergers?

If someone in a wheelchair came up to me and demanded I carry them up a flight of stairs I would refuse and have a very low opinion of them.
If someone with Asperger's Syndrome behaved inappropriately in a way they had previously been told not to, I would have a very low opinion of them.

The person I was in a relationship with, I gradually came to understand they were horrible, evil, nasty, selfish, aggressive, and many other undesirable things, anyone can be a !!!!!!! you don't have to have Asperger's Sydrome to be a !!!!!!!, and not everyone with Asperger's Sydrome is a !!!!!!!. But the main problems were traceable back to the Asperger's and how it had been managed when this person was younger.

*Robin*

Tiddlywinks wrote: »

There are definitely mums on here with experience but I'm not sure about partners - maybe they have just not mentioned it.

Are there any groups local to you for people with aspergers? They may be able to put you in touch with others in the same situation.

Otherwise, why not post on here anyway - you never know, someone might use google in the future, find this thread and then you can have a conversation.

I really hope you find someone else to share with because when you need to talk, you need to talk.

Unfortunately we are quite isolated at the moment and I don't know anyone else in RL in a similar relationship.

Basically we are in a situation where DH must relinquish 'control' which he is resisting with as much effort as he can, even though it is clear to the whole family that this decision is causing a lot of suffering.

To my shame I have found myself almost bullying DH in an attempt to get his co-operation. That's no good so I'm looking for inspiration; a strategy or logic-key I can use to explain so that it makes sense to him - hopefully another person in my position will read this and understand, having been through a similar scenario with their Aspie partner.

londonsurrey

*Robin* wrote: »

Basically we are in a situation where DH must relinquish 'control' which he is resisting with as much effort as he can, even though it is clear to the whole family that this decision is causing a lot of suffering.

I suspect that you might have to go into more specifics to stand any chance of useful suggestions.

That comment about it being "clear to the whole family" concerned me - it sounds like you may not fully realise how irrelevant this can be to an aspie. Right is right, and the whole world is mad if they disagree.


Just to show you how irrelevant the world can be - when I was a about 5-7 years old, my mother would sew me the most fantastic concoctions to wear.

Decades later, she wrote numerous letters to me about these dresses, how much work she put into them, how I really stood out from the other girls, basically how they enabled me to show off.

From my point of view, I remember interesting features of the dresses being pointed out, and I remember enjoying various functional bits, like some overskirt "wings" you could flap and pockets that were tulip shaped.
As for showing off to the other girls, well, from my point of view, "What other children?" I was scarcely aware of them a lot of the time, let alone feel any need to show off to them. Lol. My mother had projected her showing off proclivities onto me, and fundamentally not understood the kind of critter she had produced.

I'M AN ASPIE. OTHER PEOPLE DON'T EXIST MOST OF THE TIME.