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Relationship & Money Woes
PazDeLaHuertaFan
Posts: 68 Forumite
I can't believe I'm going to write about this but it's anonymous so here I go.
My OH has been out of work since October 2011.
He made a decision to quit his job after he was accused of sexual harrasment, he didn't even go to the final meeting to find out if he had been "found guilty" or not. He just handed in his notice and I supported him on this decsion as due to various reasons neither of us believed he would get a fair hearing.
We are living on my benefits, he doesn't claim anything.
My problem is that he will only apply for managerial postions(which he is barely qualified for)and will not even entertain the idea of manual labour, bar work etc. His day consists of playing online games and applying for the occasional job. We are barely making ends meet and as well as paying our joint bills i.e gas and electric I am also having to pay his car insurance, overdraft charges and he has landed me with an old tax bill which he could and should have paid when he was working but didn't so now I pay it to prevent the arugments that would ensue if I stopped paying. The car tax is due next month and when I told him I didn't know how I could afford it, he just sulked and wouldn't speak to me.
The final straw for me came when he used money from my Paypal account to buy himself computer games. I earned that money by selling my stuff. It was not his to spend.
I do love him but I have had enough of this situation. I have supported him for six months and nothing has changed in that time. He lives in my flat so if anyone was to move out it should be him, but with no job and no money he would have nowhere to go.
I don't know what to do, I think I just needed to vent but any advice given would be gratefully received.
Thank you.
My OH has been out of work since October 2011.
He made a decision to quit his job after he was accused of sexual harrasment, he didn't even go to the final meeting to find out if he had been "found guilty" or not. He just handed in his notice and I supported him on this decsion as due to various reasons neither of us believed he would get a fair hearing.
We are living on my benefits, he doesn't claim anything.
My problem is that he will only apply for managerial postions(which he is barely qualified for)and will not even entertain the idea of manual labour, bar work etc. His day consists of playing online games and applying for the occasional job. We are barely making ends meet and as well as paying our joint bills i.e gas and electric I am also having to pay his car insurance, overdraft charges and he has landed me with an old tax bill which he could and should have paid when he was working but didn't so now I pay it to prevent the arugments that would ensue if I stopped paying. The car tax is due next month and when I told him I didn't know how I could afford it, he just sulked and wouldn't speak to me.
The final straw for me came when he used money from my Paypal account to buy himself computer games. I earned that money by selling my stuff. It was not his to spend.
I do love him but I have had enough of this situation. I have supported him for six months and nothing has changed in that time. He lives in my flat so if anyone was to move out it should be him, but with no job and no money he would have nowhere to go.
I don't know what to do, I think I just needed to vent but any advice given would be gratefully received.
Thank you.
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Comments
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What does he bring to the relationship? Obviously nothing financial atm, so what else? Does he do all the housework, childcare (if there is any)? Is he supportive and helpful? You don't need to answer these questions here, but maybe something to think about for yourself. Is he pulling his weight (emotionally, if not financially)?
Personally he'd be out the door if it was my house. I'd be happy to support my OH when looking for work, but he'd have to actually be looking and serious about applying for things.
I take it you're not able to work?0 -
Could you sit him down and say you know he is struggling at the moment but here is a list of unacceptables and acceptables and here is a deadline for changing behaviour?
What concerns me is you saying you paid bills to stop the arguments ensuing.
His life and his bills are his responsibility, no matter how much in love you are.0 -
What does he bring to the relationship? Obviously nothing financial atm, so what else? Does he do all the housework, childcare (if there is any)? Is he supportive and helpful? You don't need to answer these questions here, but maybe something to think about for yourself. Is he pulling his weight (emotionally, if not financially)?
Personally he'd be out the door if it was my house. I'd be happy to support my OH when looking for work, but he'd have to actually be looking and serious about applying for things.
I take it you're not able to work?
I am not able to work(long story)and we have no children, unless you count the dog. :rotfl:
He only helps with housework if I "nag" him then he moans that I nag! I don't feel like he is being supportive at all. I do love him and that is why I have continued on this path for the past six months but I am beginning to realise that love can only do so much. I have an appointment with the DWP with regards to whether or not I'm still entitled to my benefits, he told me to "milk it"!
I'm beginning to think he's just a lazy sod.
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Could you sit him down and say you know he is struggling at the moment but here is a list of unacceptables and acceptables and here is a deadline for changing behaviour?
What concerns me is you saying you paid bills to stop the arguments ensuing.
His life and his bills are his responsibility, no matter how much in love you are.
That sounds like a good idea.
I'm really scared though. I don't want the arguments, I hate confrontation.0 -
What would worry me is the sexual harrassment bit!
Did he just not go as he knew he was guilty? Or is there more too it than that£608.98
£80
£1288.99
£85.90
£154.980 -
thatgirlsam wrote: »What would worry me is the sexual harrassment bit!
Did he just not go as he knew he was guilty? Or is there more too it than that
He said he was too embarrassed to go and I believe him. He could barely talk to me about it, I also know him well enough to know he doesn't make lewd comments, which is what he was accused of.
Perhaps he should have gone to the meeting, but it was made pretty clear if he was found guilty, he would be fired.
He thought it was better to quit while he still had the option.0 -
PazDeLaHuertaFan wrote: »He said he was too embarrassed to go and I believe him. He could barely talk to me about it, I also know him well enough to know he doesn't make lewd comments, which is what he was accused of.
Perhaps he should have gone to the meeting, but it was made pretty clear if he was found guilty, he would be fired.
He thought it was better to quit while he still had the option.
But he might have been found not guilty! Unless he actually did the deed, of course...... He sounds like a coward.
I'm sorry, but he is using you. If he isn't prepared to do any job available (which he should - has he no pride, leaching off you?!:mad:), then he should sign on and contibute to your household. If he isn't prepared to do that then you should give him his marching orders - not your problem where he goes.
You may love him - doesn't sound like he loves you. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but I'm cross on your behalf
Look, the man is bone idle, selfish, abusive and a bare-faced thief to boot. Why on earth would you carry on enabling his appalling and selfish behaviour that is eventually going to make you cut your own throat.
That's not love or at least, not as I understand it.
Send him home to his mother before he brings disaster to your door....0 -
I'm really scared though. I don't want the arguments, I hate confrontation.
Whilst your not addressing the issue he wont change his attitude to money.This is a system account and does not represent a real person. To contact the Forum Team email forumteam@moneysavingexpert.com0 -
paddy's_mum wrote: »I've corrected this for you
Look, the man is bone idle, selfish, abusive and a bare-faced thief to boot. Why on earth would you carry on enabling his appalling and selfish behaviour that is eventually going to make you cut your own throat.
That's not love or at least, not as I understand it.
Send him home to his mother before he brings disaster to your door....
Believe me I've already thought about booting him out, as for his mother, she's in SA and he would never go back there.But he might have been found not guilty! Unless he actually did the deed, of course...... He sounds like a coward.
I'm sorry, but he is using you. If he isn't prepared to do any job available (which he should - has he no pride, leaching off you?!:mad:), then he should sign on and contibute to your household. If he isn't prepared to do that then you should give him his marching orders - not your problem where he goes.
You may love him - doesn't sound like he loves you. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but I'm cross on your behalf!
Don't apologise, I am happy that you cared enough to even reply.:)
I know I will be financially and probably emotionally better off without him, I'm just very scared of being alone again after 2.5 years....0
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