No contact with my lovely son

heretolearn_2

There are two sides to every story. This is a tricky one. All you can do is try and keep communicating with him and wait.

On the move, when we were teenagers one of our friends had their parents move away, I can't remember why. He chose to stay put as he felt that this was his home, he was at college, and all his friends were here. He didn't want to turn his whole life upside down just a couple of years before he'd probably expect to leave home anyway. But even though it was his choice not to go, he still felt upset and rather abandoned. It may not seem logical to us as adults, but it's upsetting the natural order of things; that parents stay home and the kids move out. when the parents move out and the kids stay put (sort of, even though moving to another house), it's confusing for them. At 18 we think we feel grown up, but we aren't, and our emotions and thoughts are not mature responses to pretty much anything!

Mojisola

lovelylife wrote: »

I was broken hearted and our son who was 18 at the time was my rock , he cut contact with his father and supported me emotionally and financially at the time,

Fast forward a few months I had to sell the house below market value as i couldnt pay the mortgage,

I promised our son a percentage of monies to see him through uni , but had to cut it by 5k due to the low sale value i got for the house (he wasnt happy my son),

How much money did he give you to keep things going through this difficult time? Was there any discussion about "you help me out now and I'll pay you back later" that he feels you've reneged on?

kwmlondon

I'm really sorry to hear all this. One thing I found when I moved to university is that it entailed a huge rebalancing of my relationship with my family. We went from being close but (by the end) quite fractious and uncomfortable to being a little distant then a lot closer as they got to see me for who I was, not who I'd been from a child.

All I can say in advice is that if you have put yourself across as clearly and as fairly as you can in a letter (which is a great way of communicating because you have time to take over the words and the other person has the chance to absorb the information and keep it) and made clear where you stand with him and left it open to him to contact you as, when and in whatever capactiy he feels he can then you've done all you can. Good luck.

lovelylife

Oh wow
Loads of replys , thank you and even to the ones that I dont always agree with , but Im open to all suggestions.
When my ex left us , he said he would pay all the bills untill the house sold as I had one of the businesses still running from the house on which we run jointly .
I was left the house by my dad in 2007 and had to remortgage it in my name due to him running up debts on his other business (yes it was stupid i know but he was the man i loved, trusted and adored for 22 years )
After 2 months he got a solicitor to put the charge on the house and demand half of the profits and the only way I was going to lift the charge was for him to take control of all the businesses and i pay the bills etc .
My son paid 1 mortgage payment , with all other debts in my name (from ex bills) I couldnt do it so had to sell to an online company at a great loss.
I had to move away as hubby or ex hub was rubbing my noise in it about him and his lovely gf and she was spreading rumours she was scared of me because im mentally unhinged and was going to kill her!!!
Now ive never made contact with her at all as I wasnt going to rise to their bait and get arrested , so they could rub their hands with glee.
My son was fine with this and i had to drop his sum by 5k and he was fine with it all.
We discussed it many a time and he understood and supported my move and was more than happy to stay at his gf as they were going to get a flat togther.
He decided to leave uni as he found the course boring !! and stay at the fast food resturant and go in management there , he wanted to buy a new car and clothes and couldnt wait untill money was transfered after the sale and was on the phone constantly.
The day ex walked out my son has had no contact with his father and he said its not because of the split its due to ex being a failure because of the debt and he dosnt want to be associated with him.
They were never close because everything my son did was never good enough for ex and i do think my ex was jealous because my son is a high achiver and quite driven.
My son is way older in his years than peers of his age group in some respects , but in others is very immature , but he can be cold and hard in his emotions like his father.
Well I have wrote the letter, i havnt been nasty or demanding in it , and will always leave the door open for him, no matter what , he is my son at the end of the day.

red_devil

let us know if he responds be nice to see a happy ending? Does he live far away?

Welshwoofs

Is it at all possible that he's spent this big lump sum you gave him on sale of the house? Just looking at the series of events as you tell them - he supported you for a bit, he seemed fine with the break-up, you gave him a lump sum on sale of the house and it was agreed he'd put money in your account for the car/phone, he moved in with his girlfriend, stopped paying for his car/phone and started avoiding you. He's now given up uni and is working in a fast food place.

Seems to me that things changed when he moved in with his girlfriend and I'm just wondering whether the novelty of living with someone for the first time has resulted in all that money being frittered away, him having to give up uni and work because of it (and also not being able to pay you) and also avoiding any hard questions by avoiding you.

lovelylife

I think he has spunked the money and I think GF has had her fingers in the pie as well . I did contact her dad a while ago, as I used to work with him many moons ago and asked him if he would pass a message on to my son a and asked if he was ok etc, he replied it was short and too the point and i just felt that , he didnt want me to bother him again !
I will let you know Red Devil, if I get a reply from him . ex was texting me yest asking had I heard from son and i said i hadnt , he was livid and reckons he is going to find him ..........good luck on that one, he is the last person he wants to see,
Thanks again everyone for taking the time out to post your thoughts xl