No contact with my lovely son

lovelylife

Hi Im a new poster so please be gentle with me
Last year after 20 odd years of marriage, my husband decided he wanted a divorce, he blamed me for the decline in our marriage and my lack of help in his failing businesses (£120k) of my money wasnt enough for him.
It transpires he was having an affair r, he tried to tell everyone i was mentally ill and had physically abused him and it scared him !!!!!
Well he wanted to leave in a week after the bomb shell was dropped.
I told him if he was going then he best go now , we had a massive row , he kicked my pup down the stairs , so I spat in his face , not nice I know but he had me by the throat and then threw me down the stairs and left the family home.
I was broken hearted and our son who was 18 at the time was my rock , he cut contact with his father and supported me emotionally and financially at the time,
Fast forward a few months I had to sell the house below market value as i couldnt pay the mortgage,
I promised our son a percentage of monies to see him through uni , but had to cut it by 5k due to the low sale value i got for the house (he wasnt happy my son),
My son moved into his gf house and was going to commute to uni.
At the time I was paying car insurance and his phone out of my account and he told me he was going to pay money into my account to cover these, over £250 a month.
I moved away as planned , but son wasnt paying his money into my account I asked him to do so , but he didnt !! so I sent him a text saying he needed to do this or i would cancel DD.(not nastily it was agreed by him before i moved)
He never did and sent me a snotty FB saying how unfair I was cancelling the DD.
Since the last FB message he wont talk to me he has changed his mobile number , but still has me as his mum on FB.
He wont speak to ex or any other side of his family, he has changed his double barrelled sur name to my maiden name.
I have sent him messages, not nagging or having ago but light hearted stuff. I tell him I love and miss him .
Ive jsut found i need a hysterectomy and am going in next month.
My son is my only blood family I have and he still wont answer me after I told him it would be good to speak.
My friends have tried to talk to him, but he just runs away.
I feel gutted and I know he is hurting , i want to help him as he helped me .
I love my boy so much. gave him everything i could and loved him with all my heart.
What did I go wrong.:(

debtfree2015_2

Sorry, I have no advise, just wanted to say I hope things get better. x

Northern_Princess

I don't think you did anything wrong, but it will be hard for your son coming to terms with his mum and dad splitting up. I was 23 when my parents split up and was devastated. Suddenly my mum and dad were at each other's throats and I was thrown into a position of being piggy in the middle of them. It wasn't a nice situation to be in. I remember not answering calls etc from both of them as each call always ended up mum is doing x and dad is doing y. I got fed up listening to them to be honest.

I'd say give him time, he needs to adjust to his mum and dad splitting up.

lovelylife

Thank you Northern Princess .
You could be so right as I used to be like that, but after a lot of turmoil and pain am in a better place , and am happy with my new life and I do tell him in my FB posts and I never mention his father .

Northern_Princess

lovelylife wrote: »

Thank you Northern Princess .
You could be so right as I used to be like that, but after a lot of turmoil and pain am in a better place , and am happy with my new life and I do tell him in my FB posts and I never mention his father .

After all the bitterness with my parents being at each other's throats, I never understood why they never mentioned each other after all the bitterness had passed. That hurt me as we had once been a happy family and they were both my parents no matter what had happened between them if you know what I mean. I separated a lot of years ago from my daughters dad and have never said a bad word about him to my daughter (although I think plenty).

Why don't you write your son a letter explaining the break up of your marriage was hard on you too but not belittling his dad? It's so hard to watch your parents move on after a marriage breaks up (it took me years to realise to come to terms with the fact my parents were actually happier without each other).

I can imagine it's not an easy situation to be in, I know when I separated from my daughter's dad how hard it was. I hope you get it all sort out, life is far to short not to put that olive branch out xx

lesalanos

maybe he is upset that you have moved away and does not know how to cope with that?? not sure how far away you are but if possible you could go and see him

an9i77

Can you write him a letter?

pinksk8

OP this must be a very hard time for you, considering you health problems. My only thought is that maybe your son is still reeling from the divorce and the situation with his car and phone, was his way of rebelling (although I doubt it was the issue). I would suggest sending him a message telling him, that it is now up to him to come to you in his own time, but you will be willing and waiting for him when he decides the time is right for him.

Hope you resolve this as it sounds like you have had a terrible time of it and need your new life to start...x x x

geminilady

Sorry but I do not think it is anything to do with the divorce,from what you have posted it is about the money,he expects you to continue to support him even though he has moved in with the gf.He did not transfer money into your account so you stopped the direct debit and he has gone of in a sulk.Have you told him you cannot afford to pay £250 a month bills for him?As a previous poster said you could try writing to explain,does he know you are going into hospital?

londonsurrey

Just leave the door open for him for if he ever decides to talk to you.

nuttywoman

geminilady wrote: »

Sorry but I do not think it is anything to do with the divorce,from what you have posted it is about the money,he expects you to continue to support him even though he has moved in with the gf.He did not transfer money into your account so you stopped the direct debit and he has gone of in a sulk.Have you told him you cannot afford to pay £250 a month bills for him?As a previous poster said you could try writing to explain,does he know you are going into hospital?

I agree with this post , and i know it must be hard for you but for once think of yourself and get over your op etc because if others have tried to get him to talk to you , and he won`t , then let him come round in his own time .He knows he`s getting to you by ignoring you & hope you`ll give in and start paying his bills again. Good luck xx