Husband and ex husband!

Grumpygit

DylanO wrote: »

You certainly know how to pick them!

Do you know.....I had exactly the same thoughts earlier

emweaver

You say you know him and believe he done nothing wrong but I have been in a position recently where someone related was accused everyone said he didn't do it we know him etc when he did! You cant be 100% sure he is innocent.

Grumpygit

And you're quite right emweaver and I suppose it takes the proof right in your face to change your mind about someone - even someone that you know well.

BitterAndTwisted

What I really, really don't understand is why, when you were told that you and your child would be interviewed by SS about an allegedly sexual matter you went straight round and discussed it with the perpetrator. What did you think this would achieve? As it happens, nothing: he denied anything happened and something has. So, he's betrayed his partner, been dallying with jail-bait and he's now a bare-faced liar. And you wonder why your husband is angry. If you're lucky, he's actually furious with your ex and you're getting it in the neck purely by association.

coolcait

A sexual allegation, involving a 17 year old. A person under the age of majority.

How old was that child when the alleged sexual activity took place?

From what you have told us, the husband you should be listening to is the current one. Not the ex.

I don't understand the thought process that led you to go straight to your ex to tell him that you knew he was facing allegations of a sexual nature.

Very odd.

gravitytolls

Grumpygit wrote: »

It's the denial that he knows what it's all about that is not on when the social worker has said that he does know (unless of course they have been misinformed....highly unlikely) I didn't press the point earlier when I spoke to him as, as far as I knew, they told me the nature of the allegation before they had told his wife (rightly or wrongly) and I didn't want to "warn" him so he could talk to her before the social worker did (the social worker and wife were meeting later)

I know that you will never know anyone 100% and anyone is capable of anything, but would you say the same thing about your OH?

I am not defending him as such, because if the allegation is proved and he is prosecuted and found guilty, then he deserves to be punished

It's fine, of course you don't believe your ex would abuse his position as an adult with a child, even one over the legal age of consent...because if you did, you would be suggesting (even if only to yourself) that you chose a man of dubious character to father your child.

It is a perfectly natural instinct to refute such an idea, particularly as you have allowed unfettered access to your child. Don't beat yourself up because you believed him, don't beat yourself up if it turns out he's not who you thought he was. You loved him once, you had a child with him, of course you trusted him.

Chin up, store the whole experience under lessons for the future.

As for your OH, he's just scared, tell him how you feel, that you're scared and confused and you could do with his support. Even if he's still sulking, you know he'll get over it, and just try to remember that he's likely to feel uneasy about SS in his home in case they try to paint him in some way unsuitable, there've been some unsettling press stories in recent weeks, and he could just be afraid of what he may find out and afraid of what SS may think of him.

SophieCat

I think you should just let social services get on & do their job & concentrate on your current husband & your child, instead of running back & forth to your ex.

Your current husband is probably feeling a bit put out & overwhelmed by the situation. If your ex is lying, it will come out eventually. For now, you should distance yourself from him/take a step back, & let his current wife deal with things.

Grumpygit

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

What I really, really don't understand is why, when you were told that you and your child would be interviewed by SS about an allegedly sexual matter you went straight round and discussed it with the perpetrator. What did you think this would achieve? As it happens, nothing: he denied anything happened and something has. So, he's betrayed his partner, been dallying with jail-bait and he's now a bare-faced liar. And you wonder why your husband is angry. If you're lucky, he's actually furious with your ex and you're getting it in the neck purely by association.

It was my OH's idea to go and see him and talk face to face with him and find out what was going on.

As it happens (and you're quite correct) he has lied to me - this only came out yesterday

he is not angry with me talking to him he is angry because he said that I didn't tell him that SS were going to be talking to my child at our house when I did

Grumpygit

coolcait wrote: »

A sexual allegation, involving a 17 year old. A person under the age of majority.

How old was that child when the alleged sexual activity took place?

From what you have told us, the husband you should be listening to is the current one. Not the ex.

I don't understand the thought process that led you to go straight to your ex to tell him that you knew he was facing allegations of a sexual nature.

Very odd.

My ex told me last weekend that an allegation had been made but didn't know what

The incident has happened in the last 6 months so I do not know if the allegation has been made by someone who is 17, 16 or may have been almost 16 (found this out yesterday)

it is all very odd, you're correct but I didn't deserve what my OH said to me yesterday

BitterAndTwisted

No, you didn't but the only sensible way to approach this is to try and calmly discuss it with him. His reaction to believing he was not told something very important is strange and I suspect there's much more to it from his point of view than just what you think it is.

Your husband's advice to discuss these allegations directly with your ex was very, very poor indeed. It's a pity that you acted on it.