Husband and ex husband!

Grumpygit

Hi

AE time again........

Today, my OH has gone totally off it with me resulting in him telling me to F off (several times) and just won't listen.

The background is....

I have been told that my ex has had an allegation made against him of a sexual nature and that social services had spoken to him, wife and their child and they would want to speak to our child. He assures me that it is untrue.

I was called in to see SS during the week and they advised that they couldn't tell me anything other than an allegation had been made and just wanted to chat to me about him, our child etc

That night, I went to see him and basically asked what was going on and to tell me the truth (his wife was not at home) and that had he done anything wrong with anyone.

He assured me no and I do believe him (so does his wife) I gave him the opportunity to tell me anything as I told him things that I knew about him since we split up but hadn't spilt the beans to his wife - therefore saying look, if you have done something stupid with someone (meaning adult here) then let me know as it would put my mind at rest - he says no and he doesn't know what it's about or any other information.

The whole thing just doesn't stack up - I know that he wouldn't do anything to a child (I know what you're saying, but I know him you don't) and if there was any major suggestion of that, he wouldn't be still in his family home with his child etc, but if something had happened with an adult (indecent exposure/assult or worse) then why would they want to talk to the kids?

Anyway, both conversations were repeated to my OH and also the details of when they would be speaking to my child.

He denies that I told him the meeting details (but I did) and has really gone off it today and is now not talking to me etc and has been stomping around the house big time - calling me a liar and saying that he had it up to here etc etc and that I am on my own with this one he doesn't want to know and accused me of interferring in their lives and saying that it wasn't our problem but theirs (ex & his family) and that if he knew that SS were meeting at our house to see my child then he would have stopped it and said that the meeting should be somewhere else (even their house)

Erm....his step child (my child) lives with us so doesn't that make it my/our business/problem? I sure as hell want to know what has been said.

I have found out that the allegation involves a 17 yo and that he knows exactly what the allegation is etc yet when I spoke to him earlier he still denied knowing anything!

Whilst any sexual allegation is bad and cannot be tolerated and if it's true and proved then he deserves everything that he gets, I feel somewhat relieved that it's to do with an adult (almost - if you get what I mean) and not a child - the line of legal and not legal has been crossed.

Please don't flame me for the two paras above anything of that nature is bad but I have my child to think about.

I can't believe that my OH is being like this - he was moaning that we would have to deal with the immediate aftermath of the visit (there hasn't been any - my child is ok). Whilst I realise that in the coming days, there may be questions or things on their mind which they need to discuss, then fine - but isn't that still aftermath just delayed?? Does he expect them not to talk about the visit or ask questions? Or does he think that all questions should be directed to my ex??

he is being such an twit about this that I just can't put into words how disappointed I am in him, angry with the carp that he has come out with and just downright upset with how he has spoken to me......in fact, I am numb with his reaction - I just can't feel anything - I haven't eaten all day as my insides are churning over both of them - current twit and ex twit (please substitute twit for any really bad names that you want)

I don't know what I want from this, just wanted to vent really

Thanks for "listening" to my rambles and sorry it's so long

xx

l33na

Ikwym re the 17 yr old being less scary (for you as a mother).
I know of some 17 yr old and actually some girls as young as 12/13 that are very advanced if you know what I mean.
Thoug two things that are niggling Is one that he did not admit to you to knwing the allegation and SS involved in a case involving a 17 yr old.
Firstly why would he not tell you unless he is hiding something. I know members of my family who work with young adults and the men do really be careful not to put them selves in situations that can put them in difficulty if an allegation is made.
Also I think SS only be involved up to the age of 16 unless the person is vulnerable ( learning difficulty etc)
I hope you get this sorted and to your oh you came with a child in this relationship and he should see ex as the child father and not your ex so issues do involve your family.

quintwins

Grumpygit wrote: »

Hi




He assured me no and I do believe him

The whole thing just doesn't stack up - I know that he wouldn't do anything to a child (I know what you're saying, but I know him you don't) and if there was any major suggestion of that, he wouldn't be still in his family home with his child etc, but if something had happened with an adult (indecent exposure/assult or worse) then why would they want to talk to the kids?



I have found out that the allegation involves a 17 yo and that he knows exactly what the allegation is etc yet when I spoke to him earlier he still denied knowing anything!

Whilst any sexual allegation is bad and cannot be tolerated and if it's true and proved then he deserves everything that he gets, I feel somewhat relieved that it's to do with an adult (almost - if you get what I mean) and not a child - the line of legal and not legal has been crossed.


xx

Your right we don't know him however reading threw this i find these paragraphs tend to contradict themselves, this is a very stressfull situation and it is hard to get things right in your head as to what you beleive.

However social servoces will be involved due to there being children in contact with him, regardless of if there has been any cause for concern (if it makes you feel better i was dealing with something similar this time last year, and i had 1 visit and a letter 6 months later saying my case was colded and that was it so there may be no aftermath as such, i acually found it reassuring that there so thorough with my kids safety).

Your hubby is prob building up walls to try and protect his family, it's natural instint and many people are terrifed of social services being involved, however if you've done nothing worng you have nothing to worry about.

As for the inccident well you'll just have to wait and see how it all turns out.

Janepig

I'm a bit confused by the OP, but from what I can make out, I would not be happy that the ex seems to have sworn blind he didn't do anything but now it's been found out that he has. Personally also, I wouldn't be letting anyone interview my child about anything until I knew exactly what was going on. Particularly if it's of a sexual nature.

And I'm also a bit confused as to why the OP seems to be sticking up for the ex partner. In my experience, anyone is capable of anything, so to say that you know they wouldn't do anything to a child is nonsense imo. It's more often than not the most unassuming people who commit these types of offences, and it comes out of the blue.

Jx

McKneff

Janepig wrote: »

I'm a bit confused by the OP, but from what I can make out, I would not be happy that the ex seems to have sworn blind he didn't do anything but know it's been found out that he has. Personally also, I wouldn't be letting anyone interview my child about anything until I knew exactly what was going on. Particularly if it's of a sexual nature.

And I'm also a bit confused as to why the OP seems to be sticking up for the ex partner. In my experience, anyone is capable of anything, so to say that you know they wouldn't do anything to a child is nonsense imo. It's more often than not the most unassuming people who commit these types of offences, and it comes out of the blue.

Jx

I agree with the above, however much anyone protests that they know this person would never do such a thing they are deluding themselves. Anyone is capable of anything, we cannot ever be aware of what is is anohter persons mind, we can only go on what they tell us and your ex is telling a few porkies till he gets backed into a corner then he has to tell the truth.
Concentrate on your own husband and family, and to be honest, if my OH told me to F off, even once, I would, no messing. It would mean no respect to me, cant do with that.
I'm 62, he's never dared say it yet, cos he probably knows I would.

meritaten

It sounds to me as if your ex is terrified! either he has done something and is scared of being found out - or he is innocent and is savvy enough to know that just being accused is bad enough. you know your ex - but it is hard to differientate isnt it?

you are being interviewed probably as character witnesses. unless either you or your child 'flag' a problem.
keep calm hun - whatever happens to your ex does NOT impact on you! its HIS problem!
I know you believe he could not do this (whatever THIS is) but, all you can do is tell the truth as you believe it to be. the rest is up to the justice system.

and it ISNT up to us on MSE to decide guilt or innocence here! we have no information on that! all we can do is support you hun.

Grumpygit

quintwins wrote: »

Your right we don't know him however reading threw this i find these paragraphs tend to contradict themselves, this is a very stressfull situation and it is hard to get things right in your head as to what you beleive.

However social servoces will be involved due to there being children in contact with him, regardless of if there has been any cause for concern (if it makes you feel better i was dealing with something similar this time last year, and i had 1 visit and a letter 6 months later saying my case was colded and that was it so there may be no aftermath as such, i acually found it reassuring that there so thorough with my kids safety).

Your hubby is prob building up walls to try and protect his family, it's natural instint and many people are terrifed of social services being involved, however if you've done nothing worng you have nothing to worry about.

As for the inccident well you'll just have to wait and see how it all turns out.

I suppose what I am trying to say is that I know he wouldn't and i believe him, but when someone implies (ie Social Services wanting to talk to the children) you sort of wonder or doubt

Grumpygit

Janepig wrote: »

I'm a bit confused by the OP, but from what I can make out, I would not be happy that the ex seems to have sworn blind he didn't do anything but now it's been found out that he has. Personally also, I wouldn't be letting anyone interview my child about anything until I knew exactly what was going on. Particularly if it's of a sexual nature.

And I'm also a bit confused as to why the OP seems to be sticking up for the ex partner. In my experience, anyone is capable of anything, so to say that you know they wouldn't do anything to a child is nonsense imo. It's more often than not the most unassuming people who commit these types of offences, and it comes out of the blue.

Jx

It's the denial that he knows what it's all about that is not on when the social worker has said that he does know (unless of course they have been misinformed....highly unlikely) I didn't press the point earlier when I spoke to him as, as far as I knew, they told me the nature of the allegation before they had told his wife (rightly or wrongly) and I didn't want to "warn" him so he could talk to her before the social worker did (the social worker and wife were meeting later)

I know that you will never know anyone 100% and anyone is capable of anything, but would you say the same thing about your OH?

I am not defending him as such, because if the allegation is proved and he is prosecuted and found guilty, then he deserves to be punished

Grumpygit

meritaten wrote: »

It sounds to me as if your ex is terrified! either he has done something and is scared of being found out - or he is innocent and is savvy enough to know that just being accused is bad enough. you know your ex - but it is hard to differientate isnt it?

you are being interviewed probably as character witnesses. unless either you or your child 'flag' a problem.
keep calm hun - whatever happens to your ex does NOT impact on you! its HIS problem!
I know you believe he could not do this (whatever THIS is) but, all you can do is tell the truth as you believe it to be. the rest is up to the justice system.

and it ISNT up to us on MSE to decide guilt or innocence here! we have no information on that! all we can do is support you hun.

Thanks....I know that it's his problem and that it won't impact on me (other than we have a child so it would impact them and therefore me)

I can well imagine that he is scared and he has every right to be it's just that I gave him the opportunity to come clean and he didn't and knowing what I know now really !!!!es me off

I didn't used to like his wife but I have every sympathy for her now because even it it all goes away the memories of this time will always be around and she has to live with him and them.

DylanO

You certainly know how to pick them!

Grumpygit

Dear all

Thank you so much for your replies, I know that I have picked out the odd bit to reply to.

OH still isn't talking to me - been quite peaceful and productive - I iron like a demon when I am angry and just finished three big baskets of ironing so there has been a plus (of sorts!)

And my user is aimed at the OH not me - I am hardly ever grumpy